Young Writers Society

His name was Joseph Jeremiah Miller. His nursery had been painted blue, with childlike, cartoon images of Noah’s Ark filling the wallpaper borders and shelves. His white crib had been a family heirloom, and the mobile above it had dangled with small, plush animals. His tiny, blue one-piece had laid on the changing table, with matching booties. A receiving blanket had been draped over his crib. Everything was ready for his arrival.

But the baby had been stillborn.

Steven Miller stood before the open closet of what used to be the nursery. After his wife had returned from the hospital, he had found her in the emptied nursery, with a paint roller in her hand, covering with a colour of rich mocha the memories of a child she never had. But the closet had been spared the wrath of her pain, whether by some oversight, or her inability to completely erase Joseph Jeremiah.

The father of the child stepped into the small closet, now empty. He gently laid his fingers on the exaggerated figures and animals of the border. He didn’t stay the tear.

The choice of Noah’s Ark had seemed sweet back then. Upon further thought, he realized the morbidity of decorating a child’s room with such a violent story. But the thought of all the animals lining up seemed so perfectly innocent.

Steven rested his head against the wall, staring at the beige carpet below. He’d had dreams. Cliched and idealistic, but dreams which he had looked forward to. Teaching his son to pitch or punt, taking him to school every morning until he could drive, trying to help him with homework which Steven himself didn’t understand.

But the baby had been stillborn.

Steven willed himself to finally step from the closet, softly sliding the door shut. His bare feet shuffled from the coffee-coloured room, still smelling of paint. He loosened the tie around his neck, tossing his suit jacket on the kitchen table as he passed. The dishes of that night’s supper sat unattended to on the table, screaming of another silent night alone.

Laura had been gone when Steven returned from work last night. He didn’t know where she’d gone. Or when she’d be back. Or if.

Because the baby had been stillborn.




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If you have any criticism, I'd love to hear it. I've become accustomed to Snoink's critiques, so I can take it. ; P

I think I saw this on Flax!

But I noticed a couple of things now...

Okay, in the first paragraph you have "adjective, adjective" and then continue with the story. But you only seperate the adjectives if they're completely different! Since they weren't, you could have done "adjective adjective" without me spazing out. Commas are nice, but I think you have too many of them.

After his wife had returned from the hospital, he had found her in the emptied nursery, with a paint roller in her hand, covering with a colour of rich mocha the memories of a child she never had.

This seems awkward, and I think I know why. "He had found her in the emptied nursery with a paint roller in her hand, covering the wall with a rich..." You need to have a subject, otherwise she could be painting the nursery, the paint roller, or even her loving husband.

And this is such a sad sad story.

This was really short, and I think you could have expanded it some and made it even better.

But as it stands, I just have to say that I really enjoyed it. I really have no complaints about it besides the missing subject that Snoink pointed out. And I really have to give you props on having repeated the line "the baby had been stillborn" without it seeming forced or corny. Congratulations. I really haven't seen that many pieces where people have been able to pull it off.

btw Snoink - painting her loving husband?! lol. Great image.

This was well written, and Snoink, you can never have too many commas! Muwahahaha!

with a paint roller in her hand, covering with a colour of rich mocha the memories of a child she

I got your point to this, even if Snoink missed it. It IS awkwardly worded. Maybe "...with a paint roller in her hand, covering the memories of a child...with Rich Mocha." Or something to that extent. Inverted sentences work sometimes...very rarely, though. Because of the mood of this piece, I think it could handle an inverted sentence, but this one is particularly confusing.

with childlike, cartoon images

This is an example of the adjective, same adjective different word, thing that Snoink was saying. "Childlike" or "cartoon images" would suffice.

His nursery had been painted blue, with childlike, cartoon images

Actually, despite my love of commas, I think you could do without the one after blue. "His nursery had been painted blue with childlike images..." Or, you know, however you want to say it. I think that's simpler but just as effective.

Or if.

This two-word sentence isn't as effective as it should be. One, two, three word sentences are usually alone and extremely powerful, but this one isn't. I think it would work better to repeat "if she'd be back."

I really, really like this, though. Good work. Normally, I don't like repetitive phrases, but "the baby had been stillborn" was effective, but not over done.

I look forward to reading more of your work!

-Sarah

Ah, good, fresh critiques!

I have a question. I totally understand how weird that "with a paint roller in her hand, covering with a..." sentence. Do you think it would be sufficient just to say, "...covering the memories of a child she never had," or would that be even more confusing? Or is it too late and am I too hungry to be speaking straight?

Like this?

"After his wife had returned from the hospital, he had found her in the emptied nursery, with a paint roller in her hand, covering the memories of a child she never had."

Well, it would work, but I like the picture of creamy mocha. I mean, at first it was so childish, so serene. Blue with Noah Ark's animals on it. Cute! But the coffee colors is nice symbolism. I see it as a childish blue turning into a coffee-filled adult world. I like it and wouldn't change it, save for the fact of giving that sentence a subject.

One thing:

'Upon further thought, he realized the morbidity of decorating a child’s room with such a violent story.'

I like the idea of this, but I don't wholly agree with it. A lot of kid's rooms are decorated with Noah's Ark- when you look at the cute animals on the boat most people completely forget about the first part of the story...why they're there in the first place.

That's the only thing, if anything, that should be changed.

Well, that was sort of my point in adding it. So many people decorate rooms with a Noah's Ark theme. But in his current mind, Steve is seeing the darker side of such a seemingly sweet, everyday thing. Does it not seem that way?

You stole my idea from FREAK!

No, I think it's an awesome revelation. Too often people use "cutesy" stuff when the origins are hardly cutesy. Otherwise, I wouldn't have used the theme for my own story, eh?

; P

Haha! But remember, I haven't yet read FREAK!


Erm...

Nice. Definitely needs more to it, though. Maybe it could be a prologue, or something. I dunno. It had a sort of prologue feel to it. I would love to see you explore this idea more.