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Young Writers Society


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66 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 66
Wed Aug 31, 2005 7:27 am
Doubt says...



Alright here's a story I've started (it's not finished). All critisisms appreciated.

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Prelude

“I’m sorry, alright? We can’t be together, it’s not going to work, and I don’t trust you anymore!” Tom almost yelled through the ajar door.
“But… it was nothing, he meant nothing to me…” she attempted.
“It was obviously something otherwise, you wouldn’t have kissed him!”
“I was drunk…”
“No, you weren’t! Can you please just leave now?” Tom trembled. He still loved this girl.
“One more chance? I beg you!” The girl crying now.
“How the hell do you expect me to forgive you, I put all my trust in you and you betrayed it!” Tom’s eyes swelling and he felt like slamming the door right then but something wouldn’t let him.
“I won’t let you go Tom, I just… can’t! You mean the world to me; please let this one mistake slide.” Roxanne almost demanded in an adorable, trembling way.
“One big mistake” Tom spoke softly, to both himself and this girl in front of him, tilting his head down.
The girl looked but so softly into Tom’s eyes, obviously strong hearted and not intent on losing Tom right now. On her own little quest to win Tom back. This girl was strong and demanding but she did it in the sweetest way possible, which Tom admired greatly.
“Please, Tom? Please?” muttered Roxanne crying, her heart open for Tom.
Thoughts ran through Tom’s head, sprinting past “second-chance” and stopping right at “heartbreak”.
“This is crazy…” Tom blurted out, his eyes now freely sharing tears.
“I can’t but I do…” Tom sighed another sigh seeing how absolutely beautiful Roxanne managed to look tonight, despite everything. The running mascara look both suited Roxanne and appealed deeply to Tom.
He couldn’t help but instantly fall in love with her gorgeous pouting face once more. Memories of shared coffees, nights together alone and the blissful strolls on the beach at night instantly came back to Tom, and he realised he never wanted to lose this girl.
“I love you.” Breathed Tom to Roxanne, her head rested firmly on his shoulder soaked with tears. Roxanne looked up, right into Tom’s face.
On her toes now, Roxanne launched herself at Tom’s lips. Two young souls intertwined and brought together by love. Tom gladly kissed back.
This woman was all he could ask for from the very first moment they met in the coffee shop that day.

*

Chapter 1

A yawn leapt out from Tom’s mouth as he stood there waiting for his first wake up call for the day; his Large Cappuccino. He looked around, examining the many different peoples that inhabited his humble coffee place. The most notable being Josh, the slightly paranoid, but “not-a-bad-guy”, chap who sat in the seat right at the corner of the shop, with his Long Black, almost rocking on his chair. You could have as many conversations with Josh as the mind can comprehend and still know only a quarter of what he’s lived.
What Tom was certain of though was that Josh was a coffee addict much like himself, only more severe and had been since his teenage years. Josh would sit and home and write poems and listen to music, “high” on coffee and his own creativity. Josh had progressed over so many years of late night writings and loneliness from white coffee to black explaining it gave him “Just… more.” Which Tom translated in his mind as more creative energy. Tom - being somewhat of a writer himself - almost envied Josh. Upon reading some of is prosaic pieces and amazingly colourful stories Tom felt inspired and creative. Tom got so wrapped up into it once that he was 20 minutes late for work, discussing how poems should and shouldn’t flow. A conversation twice as interesting as it seems.
Another character, frequently visiting the shop is Jan. Jan’s a sweet girl, around 23 and works as a secretary, at a gym, close to the edge of town. Despite stereotypes, Jan both smokes excessively and drinks quite large amounts of Lattes. Do not let that sway you however; as Jan is one of the nicest girls you’ll meet. The first time Tom entered the coffee shop; he turned fast, in a rush to get to work and managed to spill almost his whole cappuccino over Jan’s training shirt, which to make it even worse was white. Jan’s response was the opposite of what you’d expect from a person who’s just been singed with newly made coffee and had their favourite shirt ruined.
“Yeouch!” Let out Jan receiving the hot coffee square in the chest.
“Oh my… I’m sorry… Oh man… I’m so, so sorry!” Tom was lost for words.
“Ah, ha ah hah hah ha hah.” Jan started to jump around, grabbing a napkin and tapping herself down in an attempt to dry off the coffee and cool down.
“Wow, what a jumpstart.” Jan blurted out. Not the response Tom was expecting.
“Smells good too,” Jan laughed, looking at Tom whose jaw had dropped.
Well then, what’s your name cutie?” Jan said letting her eyes run laps around Tom.
“Uh… Tom” Tom replied, still somewhat shocked.
“Cool name” Jan smiled. “Oops, I’m gonna be late, I’ll see you another time honey!” Jan said bouncing off through the door and off to work.
“See ya” Tom muttered still taken aback from the whole thing.

Thinking back Tom laughed at the whole situation, also glad he’d met this wonderful, lively girl.
“Order for Tom. Large Cappuccino” hollered the Coffee shop attendant.
“Uh, yep, thanks” Tom thanked the girl who had kindly made him his coffee.
Tom sat down, propping his coffee on the table still caught up in his train of thought.
“Psst, Hey Tom… Tom!” Josh whispered. “Get over here”
Tom hadn’t noticed Josh there. He must have stumbled in as Tom was having his little trip down Memory Lane.
“Come on then!” urged Josh.
Tom lazily picked up his coffee he still hadn’t had a chance to drink and pulled up a seat next to Josh, who’d, by his constant twitching, had obvious already had a drink or two.
“What is it buddy?” Tom asked Josh, feeling a bit lethargic and taking the first sip of his Cappuccino which thankfully was still hot.
  





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66 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 66
Thu Sep 08, 2005 5:58 am
Doubt says...



Alright. Not being pushy but could someone kindly critique it?
  





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683 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 683
Thu Sep 08, 2005 6:10 am
Emma says...



Its pretty good, but I don't like the bit with the describing of Jan, I don't know... I would like to know this girl in more time, slowly. In the first chapter there was alot of speech, maybe with more description and movement. I know I can see you have tried.

Its better than mine and I would love to know what happens next.
  








"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta