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Lives of the innocent.



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Sun Mar 29, 2009 11:49 am
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Faery007 says...



Hayleylucy


He is lurking. Sweeping through corridors in an unknown haste. He cannot be avoided neither can he be touched. There is a certain air about him, like uncharted waters or the missing melody from a song. Most are swallowed into his darkness, by curiosity, enquiring upon who he his and what he does. Some may recognize him, he has come before, taking children, adults alike.

The unknown figure, dressed in robes of majestic violet, glides across the corridor, effortlessly, a fatal grin upon his face. He has an aim, he has a purpose. He does not slaughter you, he takes your life away. He will be reaching his aim very soon, he sees the door in which the victim of death lies, and holds out is hand in a command. There is a door, a black door marked with an X. This door swings open at his silent command.

It is a circular room in which he enters, plunged into darkness at his presence. Heads turn and screams are masked by an effortless wave of his hand. For he is death. Invisible but nevertheless, there. Only one will die tonight he thinks to himself, smiling malevolently. The one that will die is an old man, crinkled with time, he is at his deathbed surrounded with sorrowing gatherers, peacefully mourning. Death draws closer, holding out his hand in a false sense of security. Stealing his last breath. The man falters and finally, closing his eyes for the last time, Death takes him.

Death has conquered, consuming all in the end. Taking lives of the innocent and taking minds of the unexpected. Death is coming, be aware, but be ready.
  





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Sun Mar 29, 2009 3:16 pm
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Antares says...



I like this. Just a few things though...

The unknown figure, dressed in robes of majestic violet, glides across the corridor, effortlessly, a fatal grin upon his face. He has an aim, he has a purpose. He does not slaughter you, he takes your life away. He will be reaching his aim very soon, he sees the door in which the victim of death lies, and holds out is hand [s]in a command[/s]. There is a door, a black door marked with an X. This door swings open at his silent command.


Instead of 'victim of death' why not 'his victim'? I'm not sure about 'There is a door, a black door marked with an X.' I'd try something like 'There is a door: black and marked with an X.'

Death has conquered, consuming all in the end. Taking lives of the innocent and taking minds of the unexpected. Death is coming, be aware, [s]but[/s] be ready.


Good last last line but I'd lose the 'but'.

Good work. :)
'Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.'
'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.' David Coleman
'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.' Ian Wright
  





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Sun Mar 29, 2009 4:02 pm
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Rena0421 says...



I would only take the 'but' out of the last sentence.
But it was good besides that one thing.
rena;;let the future pass and don't let go
  





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Fri Nov 04, 2011 12:51 am
snickerdooly says...



Hey I know this was posted quite a while ago but I was peeking around in your portfolio and came across this awesome piece of writing! I thought the entire thing flowed very well and the grammer and punctuation was amazing (I don't know how you did it, I suck at punctuation :)) It was also a very descriptive and told a great story with just the right amount of horror and suspense, great job!
Peace,
SnickerDooly
"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller
  








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