Young Writers Society

A flash outside the window caught the girl's attention. She eyed the window. A few seconds later a rumble raced across the room. A mischievous grin spread across her face and her blue-gray eyes began to twinkle. They could called be stormy eyes. They certainly were dull enough.

As the thunder rumbled during her first hour art class, she would watch the dark windows, seeing nothing between flashes of lightning besides the light from the windows across the courtyard where students were falling asleep in math class. What would normally be a colorful sunrise with pink and purple clouds, still looked like the inky blackness of morning. Dark overcast storm clouds had turned the city gray.

These strobe light flashes turned something over in this girl. The grin cracked onto her face again when the thunder drowned out the voice of a kid reading from the book. It struck a much needed chord of excitement and danger in her head. She wanted to run out into the rain and watch lightning strike the ground all around her.

The lights flickered in the hallway. Her anticipation climbed as she willed the power to go out. If it did, they could get out of school early. She wanted to go home. To dance in the rain. To feel those big slippery drops of rain to fall on her face with lightning all around her.

Her thoughts were interrupted by an ambulance siren. She glared evilly out the window in the direction of the sound, as if she could see the wounded soul through the school. If you looked closely at her eyes though, you might be able to see the trace of sorrow just around the iris planted there like a a seed of hope.

The lights flickered twice in the classroom but stayed on. She looked up at the lights and willed them to go out completely. Students kept on reading about Greek architecture when it finally started raining. The bell then rang and everyone left for second hour. The rain eventually stopped and we were forced to go outside yet again for band.

The storms only came back again that evening. While the girl was online it came back with three times as much fury. She excitedly got off so the computer wouldn't blow up. She immediately ran to her room and sat by her window with the usually closed shades open. The lightning came fast and the rain hard. The rain soothingly poured on the roof, lightning flashing in the maroon-gray sky through her windows every 10 seconds or so. Soft flashes and gentle rumblings slowly turned into temporarily blinding electric charges with loud house-shaking thunder. The best strike flashed four times like a psycho camera then the thunder came slowly. First from the right, then from the left, then added all around her. Surround-sound thunder grumbling, roaring, and crackling above, behind and everywhere around the lonely girl in her secluded room.

The storm quickly left after that. The rain softly subsided, leaving the trickling if the gutters draining. Order was once again restored in her world. And the sadness returned.

Aha! I thought you were a poet!

I liked this, especially because I love storms and lightning (even though I'm afraid of it 8-

yoha_ahoy wrote: as much as she did.

yoha_ahoy wrote: She eyed the window. A few seconds later a rumble raced across the room. A mischievous grin spread across her face and her blue-gray eyes began to twinkle. I suppose they could be stormy eyes. They certainly were dull enough.

Three things here, and they're technical. She probably wasn't eyeing the window, right? You may want to reword that. Also, her stormy eyes. To me, dull and stormy are contradictory terms. Then..."I" probably shouldn't be there. You never speak in first person except in that sentence; it doesn't fit in context.

I think when you describe her looking out the window, you could say she's watching the storm or something else because she's not really watching the windows. Do you see what I mean? I forget what it's called...I just noticed that a lot in your story.

You know what? I don't think I can edit any more. I'm too tired. I'm not comprehending very well.

I'll try to come back later. I liked it.

~Jacquie~

Pretty cool. Interesting sketch of what happened during a lightning storm (don't you just love them?). It's not really a story, mind you, but it doesn't need to be a story. It's just a description of an event.

Your worse mistake has to be the title. "Dacing with Lightning and Thunder" should be "Dancing with Lightning and Thunder." I know, I know... I'm really nit-picking. But still.

I suppose they could be stormy eyes. They certainly were dull enough.

For some reason, I really don't think the first person ("I suppose") doesn't really fit. This sketch doesn't use the first person again, so it makes it all the more awkward. Instead, I think you may be able to describe her eyes as dull and stormy. Then it would be quicker to the point!

The lights flickered int the hallway.

Nothing big... it should be spelled as "into."

Her anticipation climbed as she wished the power to go out.

I don't know... when I read this sentence, I thought this story might have something to do with telepathic powers. I was wrong, but it can be taken that way by others who are into sci fi and fantasy like me. So change the word "willed" (perhaps to "wished") and everything should be okay.

She wanted to go home. To dance in the rain. Big slippery drops of rain to fall on her face. Lightning all around her.

Don't you just hate writing for fragments?

I say this, not to offend, but because fragments are the hardest sentences to write. You can overdo them very easily, or, if your word choice is not perfectly right, you can make it sound awkward. I still have difficulty with writing them. But I think I can give you some advice! I didn't learn this until recently, so hopefully I can make it seem somewhat sensical.

First of all, you need to use an effect called "parallelism." What is this? Basically, making things in one sentence sound the same. Look at this: "She climbed into her bed, looked out of the window, and smiled." Now look at the verbs. Climbed. Looked. Smiled. Don't those words look like they belong together? This is what parallelism is.

Now for fragments, parallelism is essential. Look:

"She wanted to go home. To dance in the rain." And then you don't use parallelism any more.

I would suggest using it. It might make this passage seem a little smoother. I know this sounds weird, but even though they're fragments, they still have to be smooth.

She glared evilly out the window in the direction of the sound...

I don't think the adverb "evilly" is quite necessary. Glared is already a strong enough verb.

[/quote]While the girl was on-line it came back with three times as much fury. She excitedly got off so the computer wouldn't blow up.[/quote]

First of all, it's online. No hyphen necessary.

Second of all, "the computer wouldn't blow up" seems out of place in this otherwise very lyrical sketch. Do you need this piece of information?

...every 10 second or so

Seconds... seconds...

Soft flashes and gentle rumblings slowly turned into temporarily blinding electric charges with loud house-shaking thunder.

This sentence seems cluttered with adjectives, almost to the point of irrelevency. Adjectives, though immensely useful, should be used sparingly. You have seven adjectives in the sentence. You have 16 words in the sentence. This means that nearly half your words in the sentence are adjectives. When I first read this sentence, I thought to myself, "What is she trying to say?" Either split up the sentences or delete some of the adjectives. That will help clarify it somewhat.

The rain softly subsided, leaving the trickling if the gutters draining.

Of, not if. Don't you hate that spell checker?

I did like this, believe it or not. It reminds me of car trips in New Mexico. I just think you can make it better.

Thank you for that! It was very helpful. Yeah, I used spell checker but any other typos are because I didn't have much time to write this down. (Evil parents, you know?) But yeah, the part about the computer blowing up... I know it didn't fit but I left it because I thought it added to the narrator's humor. Kind of a serious sarcasm. She is an interesting character... hehehe! I'll try to fix some things.

If you corrected all the errors that Snoink said, then there were still a couple, just nitpicky proof-reading things. Blah, though; unlike him, I really don't care about that.

This was really yummy. Some of the language was just beautiful, like "you might be able to see the trace of sorrow just around the iris planted there like a a seed of hope." "big slippery drops of rain to fall on her face with lightning all around her. " (ok, there's a prob in there, yeah, I'm pointing it out) "These strobe light flashes turned something over in this girl. The grin cracked onto her face again when the thunder drowned out the voice of a kid reading from the book. It struck a much needed chord of excitement and danger in her head. She wanted to run out into the rain and watch lightning strike the ground all around her. " Need I go on? yummmmmmmm. It really did a great job of building the mood.

And I liked the little bits of humor you interspersed in it, like "She excitedly got off so the computer wouldn't blow up." Lol. And I like also that, though this is just a fragment, just one event, at the same time it aludes to something greater...something that happened before and something that happens after, with the whole sadness spiel. I like that it ends on that....

yeah, I like this. Um, only advice I can think of, and I'm thinking hard, is to do maybe do something with the transitions in the school...sometimes some of what you said about what was happening in school or whatever broke the mood slightly...I can't really say one actual problem I have, more of just a feel...

g'job, Ellen!

ps, I'm listening to the Curse of the Black Pearl soundtrack you let me borrow at SYP