Young Writers Society

I felt like writing something a little different, so I wrote this.

It's short, but I actually spent longer on this than most stories - mainly due to research and proof reading. I don't think there are any mistakes in here, but if you spot any, please point them out to me .



Our Lord’s Son


Cheering crowds, banners waving – many believers have come to see their saviour. Hundreds of thousands of the faithful, all crunched together, all watching the stage in anticipation.

Two men walk onto the raised stage. The first man with long hair – he is who we have all come to see. The other is his friend and companion, whose warm smile and open heart convinced us of our saviour’s truth.
The crowds cheering is deafening.

Our saviour smiles and waves his hand – he doesn’t want to be flattered so. He is just a servant, just like us.

Our Lord’s son speaks; his voice is crisp and clear. Every syllable rings with the truth, with honesty and determination. He is perfect, we are sure. Of course, he would not refer to himself as being so, but we know.

His speech starts.
‘My people – the hour is at hand. The false idols have been cast aside and the darkness of lies have been lifted, the mask removed and only I – the truth – remain.
We shall move forewords into a new age… an age of peace, prosperity… and immortality. The faithful, those who have cast aside the true Satan, shall move with me and live in bliss.

The heretics though. They shall not have the fortune to move with us.’

He pauses, and looks around at us. As he gaze reaches me, my heart jumps and I am filled with a joy.

‘But my Lord and I are forgiving,’ he continues, ‘We shall not put suffering upon those who remain different to us. Nay, we are not like the false god.

However, something must be done. I hear you crying for their blood… but I refuse… I say no. I don’t want you to stain your hands with their unholy blood.
There are… other options, however.

I propose that the faithful show their true-ness and mark themselves. Only the faithful may buy from the faithful.

Do not harm those who refuse to bow down to me. Others will deal with them, but should you ever meet one – do your very best to show them of your purity. Teach them and love them. Convince them of the truth that is you and I.

Mark yourselves, my faithful. Your right hand, your forehead. Our number. Six six six.
Rejoice, for soon, you shall be with our Lord,
Lucifer.’

Everyone cheers again. Our saviour has spoken and we are filled with joy. Oh, how we are happy.
Everything in the future is bright and happy…



So - what d'you all think?

That's interesting Sureal very interesting, but it seems to short, it looks like an extract from a longer story, get me drift. Who is the person who says this, that's all that puzzles me. "He pauses, and looks around at us. As he gaze reaches me, my heart jumps and I am filled with a joy." So who is this person? I can't believe this I'm actually critiquing lol, well who is this person that say that quote.

Fontroy wrote:That's interesting Sureal very interesting, but it seems to short, it looks like an extract from a longer story, get me drift. Who is the person who says this, that's all that puzzles me. "He pauses, and looks around at us. As he gaze reaches me, my heart jumps and I am filled with a joy." So who is this person? I can't believe this I'm actually critiquing lol, well who is this person that say that quote.

I can't believe you're using proper grammar for a change...

Anyway, THE STORY! And the person doesn't say that - The 'Lord' had stopped talking - Then he started again after that sentence. If you looked you would see that. It was very good by the way, but it does look like part of a longer story. I would like to know what happened before, and what happened next! *demands*

I believe that Fontroy is referring to the narrator there, Emma .
The narrator is just some faceless person in the crowd, not really all that important.

I could turn this into a much longer story (I do, after all, have some ideas for it), but I probably never will . Right now I'm concentrating on writing lots of short stories (to improve my writing, and to play around with different styles), as oposed to a few longer ones.

Damn....

That's awesome, Sureal. I actually think it is great the length it is.
Powerful, and effective. Kinda creepy, too. Well, considering who he is, really creepy. ^_^

Oooh! I like that twist you gave it at the end. There are some technical religious errors, but that doesn't matter because, well, because they have to do with differing beliefs, so saying that your wrong isn't going to matter to you becasue it's not wrong to you.

I'd be interested to see what happens next...

Nice work. The twist at the end was interesting by I probably might have a couple more hooks in the story just to keep the reader guessing and wanting more. Maybe if it were a bit longer perhaps? Good work.

Cheers

I liked it. But I knew from the very begginning that there was going to be some kind of twist. Heh.


Anyway, the only critique I can think of is who is the "I" in this story, and I feel like there should be more. Like, its missing something.

How to improve this story:

1) Make it longer
2) Flesh out narrator

I'd do them both... but nah . I only wanted to write a short story, so that's all I wrote. I may flesh this out another time, but right now... I've already started writing my next short story .

Interesting.
Did you use the bible for research? Just curious...

Yes, I have numerous Bibles in my house (and even a big, hardback one in my bedroom). I'm not sure why, as no one in my familly is religious, but what the hey :p.

Very interesting, Sureal. And that whole time I was sure we were talking about Jesus, lol. Nice twist. I am not sure if it is just my own habits when I write, but when I use quotes when the charactor is talking, I ususlly start a new line, not always, but usually. Seems to help keep it clean.

But other than that, it was good. Great job!!