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Freewrite, I don't know what this is yet



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26 Reviews



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Points: 890
Reviews: 26
Sat Oct 08, 2005 2:49 am
Melodie says...



The alarms go off at 6:00 in the morning; everyone gets up.

Jane wakes up in her small bedroom, shuts her alarm off, gets dressed, combs her long hair (below her butt), and leaves the room for the bathroom

Dan and Karen wake up in the living room on a futon (naked), shut the alarm off, get up with blankets around themselves incase Jane walks out, get into the closet next to the bathroom (a walk-in), emerge dressed, go back and fold up the futon, transforming the makeshift bedroom back into a living room.

They all trudge into the kitchen. Jane gets a bowl of cereal, Kareb makes coffee while munching on a granola bar, Dan sits at the table looking quite groggily at the coffee pot. No one has said anything. The coffee is done. Karen pores a cup for herself and a cup for Dan. They sip at it slowly. Finally they speak.
“Jane, isn’t your Geometry test today?” (Dan)
“Yeah, triangles . . .” she responds not quite there.
“Good luck.”
“Thanks Dad.”
“Yeah, Good luck, Jane.” (Karen)
“Thanks.”
Looks at the clock.
“Better go.”
“See yah at five.”
“Yeah, see yah.”

Walks out of the kitchen and out the door, through the front yard, and onto the street where she catches a city bus that will drop her off at the school. The whole time she’s yawning and looking droopy eyed.

Dan and Karen sit at the table and drink coffee until the pot is gone. They don’t talk to each other for a while. Karen sighs and looks at Dan for a while. He looks pretty much as he did that first time they met. His muscles were still intact after fifteen years of bartending at various restaurants. He had kept himself up well. Every weekend he and Jane went to the gym to lift weights, but his fire which had once been so bright faded a little over the years. She knew he thought his life dull. After all there, were no demons to fight here. Not the kind they used to fight anyway. The demons they fought here were work and school and paying the bills, nothing exciting.
She missed it. Everything about it. Most of all the friends she made there, but being in this world was best for Jane. That was what their life was based on, what was best for their daughter. It wasn’t a bad thing to base a life on, but it did wear them down.
Dan looked at his watch, “Come on Karen, It’s time to go to work.” He says this very unenthusiastically.
“Yeah . . .”
They leave the house, lock the door, and catch a city bus in the same place that Jane did about and half of and hour earlier.
The bus rides to the restaurant where Dan bartends and Karen waitresses they get there, walk in and begin the daily routine.

Jane arrives at school with no hopes for the day. She walks into the lobby to waits to be dismissed to class. She knows everyone is staring, plotting to humiliate her, just by the way they all watched her as she went to sit on a nearby bench. As she walks through the crowd, a leg comes out in front of her she doesn’t see it because her head is held high to show them that she has dignity. Her foot gets caught under the leg and she topples over, her books flying out in front of her, everyone laughs as her skirt flies up revealing her blue striped underwear. She doesn’t want to cry and show them that they hurt her, they don’t deserve the gratification. She rises, collects her books and walks down the hall without a word or gesture to suggest any sort of feeling.

The bell rings after at 3:00 P.M. and Jane gets out of the school as fast as she can possibly carry herself.
Last edited by Melodie on Wed Oct 12, 2005 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Sorry I didn't recognize you. I've changed a lot." Oscar Wilde
  





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34 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 34
Wed Oct 12, 2005 2:22 am
concertchick16 says...



Its very hard to follow...its too quick, not fast paced action quick, no description or development quick.
I personally like to see the plot happen. Also parenthesies are a bad idea.
try to use different words then for example "below her butt" say her shiny hair slinked around her thighs...
  





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131 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 131
Sat Oct 15, 2005 8:07 pm
Crayon says...



I Think this is a good framework, it does need more detail though, in places like

Jane wakes up in her small bedroom, shuts her alarm off, gets dressed, combs her long hair (below her butt), and leaves the room for the bathroom

I want to know what her bedroom looks like, what she gets dressed into, where her clothes are before she puts them on eg the floor, in a draw or a wardrobe. What colour is her hair? where is the bathroom in the house?

Also the comment "Below her butt" really dosnt sit with me, i agree with cpncertchick16 about that.

Dan and Karen wake up in the living room on a futon (naked), shut the alarm off, get up with blankets around themselves incase Jane walks out, get into the closet next to the bathroom (a walk-in), emerge dressed, go back and fold up the futon, transforming the makeshift bedroom back into a living room.

Firstly you give the readers no conection between Dan, Karen and Jane, they could be flatmates, coworkers anything.

you use a lot of words repeatedly for example "get" i'm sure there are plenty of other words.

Your conversation also lets you down, you can't tell whos talking to who.

Walks out of the kitchen and out the door, through the front yard, and onto the street where she catches a city bus that will drop her off at the school. The whole time she’s yawning and looking droopy eyed.

who walks out of the kitchen? the first time i read this i had to go to work out who the story was following.



Dan and Karen sit at the table and drink coffee until the pot is gone. They don’t talk to each other for a while. Karen sighs and looks at Dan for a while. He looks pretty much as he did that first time they met. His muscles were still intact after fifteen years of bartending at various restaurants. He had kept himself up well. Every weekend he and Jane went to the gym to lift weights, but his fire which had once been so bright faded a little over the years. She knew he thought his life dull. After all there, were no demons to fight here. Not the kind they used to fight anyway. The demons they fought here were work and school and paying the bills, nothing exciting.
She missed it. Everything about it. Most of all the friends she made there, but being in this world was best for Jane. That was what their life was based on, what was best for their daughter. It wasn’t a bad thing to base a life on, but it did wear them down.
Dan looked at his watch, “Come on Karen, It’s time to go to work.” He says this very unenthusiastically.
“Yeah . . .”
They leave the house, lock the door, and catch a city bus in the same place that Jane did about and half of and hour earlier.
The bus rides to the restaurant where Dan bartends and Karen waitresses they get there, walk in and begin the daily routine.

This has potential but it definatly lacks desription.

Jane arrives at school with no hopes for the day. She walks into the lobby to waits to be dismissed to class. She knows everyone is staring, plotting to humiliate her, just by the way they all watched her as she went to sit on a nearby bench. As she walks through the crowd, a leg comes out in front of her she doesn’t see it because her head is held high to show them that she has dignity. Her foot gets caught under the leg and she topples over, her books flying out in front of her, everyone laughs as her skirt flies up revealing her blue striped underwear. She doesn’t want to cry and show them that they hurt her, they don’t deserve the gratification. She rises, collects her books and walks down the hall without a word or gesture to suggest any sort of feeling.

this is good but i want to know why everybody hates her as this paragraph suggests. what has she done?

The bell rings after at 3:00 P.M. and Jane gets out of the school as fast as she can possibly carry herself.

the ending really doesn't sit with me, what happens between the incident in the lobby and 3pm? it needs some bulking up but other than that you have a nice little framework.

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