Young Writers Society

Rotting in the ground

It is a cold day in the young Man’s town. People are crowded around as pallbearers prepare to lay the coffin of a young Women into the ground. People along the side gather to pay their respects to her. The most noticeable are a young Man holding a Women in his arms.
“And here we cast the body of this young Girl to the earth and her soul to the heavens. She was taken from us and our earth at such a young age.” Said the Minister.
“It’s not fair. Why must these horrible sins be burdened on such an innocent soul.” Said the Man holding the Women.
“Only for those who cast the sins upon the innocent to be absolved by a priest.” said the Women in the Man’s arms.
“So they may once again prey on the innocent, to take their innocence from them and then something much worse ... Their life” said the man.
“The church forgives those who asketh for redemption, allowing them eternal passage into heaven.” Said the Women in the Man’s arms
“It’s not fair! She was taken so young!” Said the Mother of the Women laying in the ground.
“I know dear … I know but we shall not forget that she goes on to a better place, that she will experience eternal bliss and happiness.” Said the grieving Father of the Women lying in the ground.
“Lies! It is all lies! She shall burn eternal because of how she died. That little girl died as a Women because of what that sick twisted sinner did to her!” screamed the Women that the man held in his arms.
“Come now: Brothers Sisters. We are gathered not to hate our fellow man but to forgive them for what has happened. God says “Forgive those who trespass against us, just as they forgive us as we trespass against them.”” Said the Minister.
“No, we shall not forgive to one who takes the innocence and life of one so young. She wasn’t even old enough to drive for Christ’s sake! I cannot follow a God who can forgive one of a crime of such a level of injustice.” said the Man holding the women. The Man and the Women walked away hand in hand past the mourners, past the grave stones, past the hearse, and out the gates to their car.
That night the Man couldn’t sleep visions of the Young Women laying in the ground haunted him. He went out for a drive. But as he drove around his city block, with the corner store, the playground where the Young Women who lay in the ground had played past stop lights and street signs. Then a glowing form manifested in his back seat.
“Young Man. You have lost your way.” Said the Glowing Form. It was an elusive form whenever you thought you could make it out clearly it changed.
“W-what are you! Why have you come to me on this day.” Said the Young Man.
“We have come to you on this night to steer you back on the path of the Holy and the Righteous. For if you continue down this path you have started on today … the Holy kingdom will forever reject you.” Said the Glowing Form. As he spoke two more entities appeared a tall Man in a dark Robe, and the Young Women who lay in the ground appeared in his front seat.
“What is this? A hallucination? Or a breakdown?” Said the Young Man.
“No, this is the ghosts that haunt you here to warn you of the path you started down today.” said the Young Woman who lay in the ground.
“No, this is not, can not be true! There is no God there is no heaven when you dye you rot in the ground! When I die I will rot in the ground and decompose, I have no soul no one does!”, said the Young Man.
“Have it your way” said the man in the robe as he waved his hands the three entities in his car vanished.
“There is no God, there is no God, there … is … no…. God!” Said the Young man. As he muttered those words a oncoming Mac Truck hit his car and crashed. He was flung 15 meters through the air. And landed on a street side flower store in a pile of dirt.

Hi!

Okay, so is this supposed to be a script? If it is, you've got the format totally off. This article should be able to help you out. If it's not a script, and you've just posted in the wrong place, be sure to inform a mod [someone with a light or dark green name] about it so they can move it. You also have 'short story' in the title so I'm not quite sure.

To the story! First, you really need to watch your dialogue punctuation and capitalization. There should always be a comma after the dialogue tag, not a period, unless it's at the very end of a broken up bit of dialogue. For example:

"I don't know," she said, "I can't seem to think of another way."

would be correct.

"I don't know." she said. "I can't seem to think of another way."

would not. Also, the word immediately after the dialogue (either the name or the dialogue tag) should always be lowercase unless it's a proper name. If you need more information, check out this lovely article.

The plot itself is not very compelling. Your grammar really offsets things and makes it hard to focus. Besides that, the dialogue seems kind of hokey. I can barely understand what the people are saying sometimes; I mean, did people really talk like that? If this is supposed to take place in a historical setting, they still can talk normally. I recommend you take a look at some books written around when this was supposed to take place to get an idea as to how they really talked. The story is really vague, too. How did the girl die? Why did she die? Why is her death so important? Who was she in her life?

Good luck revising this, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo