The 228 Difference

Time is like a truck- all the wheels are spinning, they never stop until you brake. Or you could press the accelerator, and the wheels would be turning faster and faster, causing freakish changes to life on the earth.

The first sentence here is great. The second not so much so, mostly the fragment after the second comma. I don’t like “freakish”, I think a better word is needed here in such a serious paragraph.

I ran out of critique after this sorry, was too involved in the story!

It’s great. I really enjoyed it.

A few nitpicks:

- Again with the upper case words. I don’t like it. I think it takes away some of the seriousness.
- I think you could add more description to the scenes. This chapter goes a bit fast for my liking. Slow it down. Slow the dialogue down. Allow for more character relations. What do the boys think of each other? Wouldn’t they be a bit more terrified or shocked? I think they could turn this into anger or something.

Overall, good. I’d like to see the second part

*Yes, you have a bit too much dialogue! This is no bad thing. Just slow it down a bit more, and describe the speakers a bit.

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