Young Writers Society

I wrote this short story as a bit of fun. Be warned though - some people may take offence. It is only the beginning of a possibly longer story so I would love any comments etc on it! Thanx xxx
The Visitor

I feel like I m watching from a window. I m not living my life; I m just a spectator. I can see the banging at the door, I can hear it, I can almost feel it. I watch as once again, I stupidly approach the door and senselessly welcome in the Visitor.

I watch myself sit in the all too familiar place and just stare. I don t move, I don t even try to prevent it from happening. I observe as I grab the visitors hand and pull him closer. It s like I m watching a scary movie over and over again. I know exactly what is going to happen yet I still sit there and wait in expectation, as if I m waiting for the plot to change at some time. But 'some time' doesn t arrive. But what if I scream louder or I shout - what should happen? Maybe the plot will miraculously change itself, maybe it will. But no, never has this happened before and I am beginning to lose hope in it ever happening. All my shouts and screams are in vain as I watch the visitor surround me, as if he is overtaking my whole world, my whole being.

I watch as the visitor advances towards me. I watch as he sears through me as if to delve into my soul. I silently observe in terror as I see myself falling apart. There I am, letting him do it to me. I just let him press harder and deeper into me. I scream and shout at myself, sometimes I even approach the door to my life, but I just linger at the doorway as I watch myself go through this ordeal. Yet the me I m watching doesn t stop it, I don t even try. The visitor just carries on as I scream and shout at him to stop. But no, I watch, in stupefied disbelief as my life just slips away. It just falls to the floor. And only at this time do I look down at what is happening, I watch myself as I see the pain just fall to the floor. I see myself smiling as I watch my life disappear in front of me.

I just look numb. Each time I see a droplet of me fall to the floor it feels like a thousand stabbing pains, but when I watch myself all I can see, could be described as, is almost relief on my face.

The droplets just carry on falling as the visitor sears away at me, he seems to become more vigorous as the relief I see on my face turns into ecstasy. I just sit and scream through the window but neither the visitor nor I hear me. It gets worse as the time progresses, suddenly the cuts become deeper and more dangerous. I watch myself as I slip away, but I m not dead yet. It s like I m watching me murder myself but I don t want to die just yet so I have to just sit here and watch it worsen and worsen, yet I can do nothing about it. I can just see myself and the me I see - I am ashamed of.

VERY INTERESTING!!

Wow! I take that as just freewriting from you? That was incredible. It was very open, and had me relate. Your ideas were perfect, all the right details placed in the right spots. Your writing is a little jumpy, and has some minor errors in it. ex. "I watch as once again", little confusion here. Don't know what you are trying to do with this part of the sentence. Right after that you have the 'stupidly approach' phrase. Take out the comma, as it's not needed there. It's called a "comma splice", and you don't want those in stories. Anything else that I miss is due to my very little time here... Tute!

-Z

I thought that this was extremely well done. It's incredible how you described what was happening without ever explicitly saying the word (and I won't say it here or I feel it would ruin the story) or even really describing the actions. You describe motions, but for the rest, you use analogies which work wonders. There's nothing here that I can add other than to say that this is a truly good piece of work.

Superb.

Wow. This is SO good.. I loved the descriptions, the idea, the twist at the end.. You have DEFINATE talent!

I thought this was really nice. However, in the second paragraph it became slightly confusing...afterwards...you came back and regained clarity. Just change the second paragraph a little so it won't be so ambiguous.

Very interesting. It has some errors, like a few have pointed out, but nothing that can't be fixed with a good look-through. *applause*

mm...I just got a tiny bit confused. You started out talking about The Visitor as a proper noun, as someone specific. and then you stopped capitalizing it. I really think you should probably be conisistant with it. "The Vistor" is someone real, where as "the visitor" is just any old person. So, if you're talking about just one single character as the visitor, then i'd keep capitalizing it. other than that, i enjoyed it. it was very easy to take either literally OR metaphorically and i really liked that. nice job. -penny

Thnx for pointing that out penny - i never thought of doing that hehe (shows how much help i need on my character development don't it!) Thanx for your comments ill alter it when i can lol x