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Young Writers Society


19 minutes



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Tue Jun 07, 2011 5:42 pm
Chelsea4827 says...



Spoiler! :
I wrote this for my creative writing GCSE


Four plain grey walls surrounded me with the odd framed achievement awards hanging from a single piece of string. The constant beeping, ringing in my ears would only stop when the job had been done. I gazed at the blunt smooth wall in front of me: no windows to let my mind go wondering to the outside world. I was disturbed by sounds of the metal door handle turning, the dark wooden door opened up letting noise from the corridor rush in before a skinny, small dark haired woman slammed it shut again. She rushed over to the photocopier to the left of me before effortlessly lifting the lid of the photocopier with her small hands with perfectly manicured nails. This made me look at my own long polished finger nails, clean but chipped in some places from nervously biting my nails because of all the stress of the office hectic schedule. She placed a single A4 piece of paper before pressing a couple of buttons. Then she had to wait. While she waited she tapped the finger against the side of the grey photocopier. She looked down at her tiny black shoes that appeared old and worn. As soon as the noise from the photocopier I was using stopped; I grabbed the warm paper from the side, opened the lid up and took hold of the old used paper that I had to photocopy. I strolled towards the door, took the handle in my pale hand and turned it to allow it to open easily in front of me.

I stepped out into the air-conditioned corridor, thankful for finally leaving the hot stuffy room I was in a minute ago. It cooled me down instantly. I carried on walking down the newly polished floor seeing the outline of my tall thin body; not yet clean enough to see me in full detail. As people ambled and strutted passed me I couldn’t ignore the squeak of shoes, the tottering of high heels, or people muttering to themselves or reading their work from beginning to end again for just one last time. I was glad when I drew near my own private office and I stretched my pale arm out and reached for the door handle in anticipation of getting in faster. I opened the door stepped inside, spun round and my shoes made a high pitched squeaking sound then I closed the door in front of me shutting out the racket that laid behind it.

My room was clean, organised and ideal for me to work in. The smooth pine desk in front of me: the same in every room was small but tidy. The beautiful flowers at the side of my desk helped brighten up my room with its bright delicate silky-smooth petals. The blue transparent vase showed the stem of each flower leading down to the fast running out water. At the top of the vase was the smallest but sharpest chip was hardly noticeable (while I was cleaning the dirty vase I caught it on the shiny chrome tap). I placed the block of photocopied letters in the centre of my desk. I sat in my leather office chair and relaxed back. I stared at the only photo on my desk. Its mirror frame reflected my pink chapped lips, my shimmering blue eye shadow above my emerald green eyes and my smooth but pale skin. The little girl in the photo smiled back at me with gleaming bright blue eyes. Her smile stretched from one side of her cheek to the other. Her blonde hair was brushed back into a neat ponytail that flowed down to her shoulder.

I walked over to the window glad of the stunning view with clear blue skies, but slightly obscured because they needed cleaning. The sun gleamed down spreading on the surface of the other twin tower standing opposite me. The road below me looked busy, with the tiny cars flowing by in unison, yet no noise was escaping through the window to my room. I caught a glimpse of a small grey plane making its way through the clear blue sky, thinking to myself about my forthcoming vacation with my young daughter; Ruby and my parents that are flying up to join us today before setting off to the coast at the weekend. As it grows bigger it disappeared behind the tower before me.

I wandered back towards my desk sat back in my chair and hit the keys on the keyboard watching the black dots fill the password box. I hit the enter button waiting as it tells me that it is loading. Once loaded I hovered the mouse over my e-mails then clicked twice, but it came up empty. I closed all windows and shut the computer down. I remained in my seat as it slowly started to shut down. The loading signal finally vanished and the screen went black. I stood up from my seat and started to get all my stuff ready for me to go home. I grabbed my diary and packed it away in my small brown handbag followed by the diary’s matching pen; that my daughter gave me. After I did I walked towards the door. Once I was the other side of it, I locked it up and slipped the shiny silver key into the side of my bag. I started to walk across to the lift but decided to take the stairs instead. I started walking the never ending flight of stairs. The walls crowded around me like a maze. I hurried down the stairs as I knew I drew closer to the end. When I got to the ground floor I looked out the windows and it looked like a dull day, like the sun went behind a cloud...but there were no clouds in the sky.

I wandered outside to confusion and alarm. I looked to the twin tower beside me. A grey cloud rose in the sky with flashes of orange as the fire flicked out of the windows, glowing as bright as the sun. Paper and debris flew in the air coming from the broken windows. Distant sound of sirens heading for this way was ringing in my ears. As some of the smoke cleared a huge hole in the side of the tower caught my eye. I gasped at the sight of it.
The sound of a deep voice interrupted my thoughts. The deep voice asked me to move back. I looked at the tall dark haired man standing in front of me. He had dirty yellow uniform and his dusty white gloves urged me back. I spun on my heels and sprinted away. I didn’t want to be here, it looked awful. My heart pounded almost coming out of my chest. Even more crashing noises came from behind me, people gasped. I turned back around to see smoke bellowing down the tower, taking the twin tower with it. I picked up my pace along with everyone else around me. We ran as fast as we can trying to oust run the cloud of smoke and dust following close behind us. Dust slowly started to surround us like a swarm of angry bees! I turned to face the tower that was now not there!

I never got to go on my vacation, with Ruby and my parents. My beloved parents were on American Airlines flight 11, the first plane to crash into the world trade centre.

On that fateful day over 3,000 people died and more than 6,000 injured many lives were changed forever. The impact was felt all over the world, it touched countless lives. Firemen and police risked their lives and died in the line of duty. Numerous people have had to come to terms with the loss of friends and family, slowly but surely they are starting to rebuild their lives, but their memories of that dreadful day will never fade and are still very raw.


9/11/2001 Twin Towers- Never to be forgotten.
Last edited by Chelsea4827 on Wed Jun 08, 2011 4:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. -- Blaise Pascal
  





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Tue Jun 07, 2011 10:02 pm
IcyFlame says...



Hellooo! You posted then! :D
Firstly, I don't think you should have posted in the fanfic forums; I'll see if Tanya or someone can move it for you :)
Nitpicks:
Chelsea4827 wrote:The constant beeping, ringing in my ears will wouldonly stop when the job has had been done.

Watch your tenses!
Chelsea4827 wrote:Disturbed by sounds of the metal door handle turning the dark wooden door opened up letting noise from the corridor rush in before a skinny, small dark haired woman slammed it shut again.

I'm not sure this sentence makes sense:
A) who/what was disturbed?
B) a door handle doesn't turn a door, I think there should be a comma between turning and the.

Chelsea4827 wrote:This made me look at my own long polished finger nails, clean but chipped in some places from nervously biting my nails from all the stress of the office hectic schedule.

Try not to repeat 'from' twice in this sentence.

Chelsea4827 wrote:newly polished

avoid using polished again so quickly if you can.

There would be more but I'm giving up now, my eyes won't concentrate!
If there aren't any more reviews soon I'll do the rest

Keep it up ;)
xx
  





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Thu Jun 09, 2011 8:45 pm
mistielovesyou says...



Listen, this is a very nice story with a nice context, but that's it. It's just nice. You used far too many details in the beggining which prove to be irrelevant in the end. It's okay, but it could be a lot shorter and a lot sweeter. The ending, which was (i assume) supposed to seem tragic; wasn't. It was a little boring and seemed pointless in the beginning. But it was okay. Of course, this is all depending on how you were trying to put your story across. Good luck with future writing :)
mistura is awesome and she loves you
  





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Sun Jun 12, 2011 2:07 am
ire123 says...



i really liked this peice you wrote.i think that you used alot of details which made the story vague in no way.hope to hear more of this story because its well written and i enjoyed it.
  








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