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Young Writers Society


The Debated Importance of Cookies Versus Essays



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Points: 2630
Reviews: 56
Mon Jun 13, 2011 2:33 am
cammie says...



Where was I going with this? I stopped typing to bang my forehead on the keyboard,
making it buzz angrily at me, “Error! Error!”
“Hmmmm.” I mumbled. The computer ignored me, and kept shouting its annoying monotone. I thumped the keys a couple of times to make it shut up.
“Error! Error!”
“Error you.” I seethed.
When I finally dragged open my eyelids, I found that my entire essay had been replaced by gibberish. I sighed. It was a bad one anyway.
“Error! Error! Error! Erroor! Errrrrroooorr. Clunk.”
Just like that, my computer had gone to computer heaven. I knew my mom would not be happy. Ah shucks.
I whipped my spiky blond hair out of my gray-blue eyes. Unfortunately, it just fell over them again because it’s only about 4 inches in length. Long story. So I stomped over to the mirror, snapped a few barrettes in, and called it good, although I looked like I had just survived the most chaotic thunderstorm ever. Sand-colored hair burst out in all directions as if I had been electrocuted. My nails were grimy and bitten. I stuck out my tongue at the reflection and smirked.
Then I turned to stare at my newly broken machine in fury. I destroyed everything I touched. This must be caused by my “lack of precision” as Mr. Gerald, my newest middle school’s principal, puts it. I decided there is only one solution to a problem like this, and the cookie jar in the pantry held the answer. Essays could wait. A 13-year-old girl in desperate need of sugar? Not so much.
The next day at school was pretty much normal. I sauntered into my English class and sat down at my oh-so-squeaky desk. Sometimes I wonder if Mrs. Seagram gave me this one on purpose. Glancing around to see if she was watching, I pulled out my math homework and began to work on it. Soon Mrs. Seagram came around to collect essays, so I hid my math under my desk. When she questioned where my essay was, I replied to her raised eyebrows with a shrug. “Computer exploded,” I said nonchalantly. She ripped out my math homework and slapped it on top of my desk.
“And why were you doing this in my class?”
“Didn’t wanna waste my time with it at home.” The class was starting to giggle.
“You are in a lot of trouble, young lady.” She managed. Her face was swelling up like a beach-ball in that way it did when she was annoyed with me.
“Apparently.” The class was really laughing now.
“One more smart remark and you will visit Mr. Gerald. Do I make myself clear?”
“Clear as pea soup!” And I could no longer suppress my laughter. I let out a little snort and grinned. Next thing I knew I was in the principal’s office for “missing homework, disrespectful behavior, and not paying attention in class.”
“What’ up Mr. G?” I slumped in a chair and smiled at him, hoping my “good-nature” would persuade him to excuse me.
Instead he pursed his lips tightly and blinked a couple of times. It was creepy.
“Ms. Kayla,” he drew out in that slow, dramatic way that genuinely scared me.
“Yep, that’s me.”
“Jordan Kayla,” he repeated. “Tisk, tisk. You are in a lot of trouble, young lady.”
“Yeah, I get that a lot.” I replied coolly. I hid my smile by facing the desk, remembering just 15 minutes earlier when Mrs. Seagram had said the exact same thing. But being in this office was nothing new for me. Been there, done that.
Suddenly, he jerked himself upright, eyes wide like an owl, and I’m guessing he saw my sneer. “Stop this nonsense immediately!”
I couldn’t resist. “Whatever ya say, boss.” I mimicked in a perfect Boston accent.
The rest of the class period was filled with a lecture, (yawn!) and a call to my parents.
I walked home bracing myself for impact. Of course my mom would be angry; this was the 3rd time I had been to see Mr. Gerald this week. But my problems ran much deeper. We had moved 2 times now to accommodate my behavior, trying a few schools at each house. I had been expelled from all of them. And before I could try more schools in the area, the ones who have had me would tell the other schools to keep away. This forced us to move. I had been rejected so many times I couldn’t count them. It made me sad, and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just be normal. I really wanted to, for my parents and Alisha, my big sister. Our family was running out of money from all the moving, and my mom had cancer, so she couldn’t homeschool me. Dad had to work all the time to try to keep enough money in the family. And it was all my fault. But of course, Alisha was adored by all her teachers with her perfect grades. She had lots of friends, but I had never made a single one. Whenever I got mad at her, she just smiled sadly and gave me a hug. “It’s ok Jordan. It’ll all work out.” She’d say. It was like she knew something I didn’t. She was so angelic.
“All A’s.” My mother cooed at Alisha when I walked in the door. “Oh, hello Jordan. And where’s your report card?”
I shoved it into her hand and slunked upstairs. I knew I had failed every subject. I didn’t even have to check. And after my talk with the principal, I also knew deep down I had been expelled. I put all my blank homework that I was supposed to be doing through the paper shredder and sifted through the scraps that were so much like the pieces of my tattered life. I didn’t want to stay like this forever: so defiant and disobedient and cruel. I know I can improve. I just have to work on it. But I have a long way to go.
“Jordan?” It was Alisha’s voice.
“Go away!”
She cracked the door open and peeked into my fresh orange room that still smelled like paint. I hid my face in a pillow and threw the other at her.
She laughed. But not in a mean way, in a kind way. Carefully she came over and sat on the edge of my bed. She smiled at me and picked up Pickle, my teddy bear, to make him dance.
I smiled back. She couldn’t see it because the pillow covered my face. But I knew she knew. I grabbed Pickle from her and hugged him against me. I felt like a baby even though I loved times like this; when it was just me and Alisha. She was the only person in the world who loved me for the kind of person I was. I gave up my angry face and gave her a hug.
“It’ll be ok, Jordan. But you need to help me.”
“What do you mean? It’s not going to be ok! Mom and Dad need me to get good grades. I’m letting you all down! We’re going to have to move again! Aren’t you mad?” It was the first time I had cried in a long, long time.
“Do you know about Mom yet?” She responed carefully. She knew she was treading on thin ice. “She’s not doing so well.”
This made me snap out of my anger. Mom wasn’t well? Was she dead? Oh please, don’t let her be dead. I tried to convince myself that it couldn’t be true. She was probably just sicker than usual.
“She’s not dead, Jordan,” Alisha read my mind. “But she will be if you don’t shape up.” Something changed me that moment. Alisha, my perfect, sweet sister, who was never, ever mad. This was the equivalent of a regular person screaming at me with all their might. She meant that if I couldn’t behave, we would have to move again, and couldn’t afford medicine for Mom. This was the first time I had ever heard her say something to me that wasn’t just pure kindness. This change in her caused a big change in me: an incentive to be good. And I knew, right then, that I had to do something about my attitude. It would be extremely hard, but I was ready. For Mom. Alisha had helped me yet again, and had done it so easily. I could never repay her.
“Thanks Alisha,” I whispered and skipped from the room happily. I didn’t look back but I know if I had I would have seen that sad smile change to a happy one, because I finally figured out my place in the world. I would start next week after we moved repairing the damage I had caused. It would not be instant. Like rebuilding all the homes after a hurricane, one brick at a time. But guess what buddy: I was just born to be a construction worker. I charged past Mom in the kitchen cooking dinner.
“Hi Mom!” She stared at me like I had turned green or something. Cheerful greetings like this were rare, or should I say nonexistent from me until now. My first brick had been placed. I added a second one by giving her a big hug. Soon a whole house would be done! I smiled at my metaphor. So, I decided that it might be a good time for a cookie. And then I’ll go redo that essay.
"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to persue them" -Walt Disney
:-)
  





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58 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3696
Reviews: 58
Mon Jun 13, 2011 3:22 am
Ktg17 says...



Welcome to YWS! I really really liked this story. You had a few grammar errors but it is really late here so I will be back ASAP tomorrow to give you a full review. I promise. I really did love the meaning of this though. It was sweet :) :)
I'll be back to tomorrow!
~Ktg
Even if you see in black and white, think in color...
  





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Mon Jun 13, 2011 3:41 am
cammie says...



Thx for reveiwing my story! i can't figure out how to reveiw others people's. Little help? :-)
"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to persue them" -Walt Disney
:-)
  





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Mon Jun 13, 2011 12:38 pm
BelarusBirdy says...



I love this story! I think it's a great short story. I don't have any criticisms, I just wanted to tell you that I thought it was a very good story.
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes. I screamed aloud as it tore through them and now it's left me blind.
Florence and the Machine, Cosmic Love
  





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Mon Jun 13, 2011 12:49 pm
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Ktg17 says...



To review other stories, just read one and then go the bottom and click where it says either "Reply" or "Quick Reply". "Quick Reply" will keep you on the same screen but a box will appear that you can type in and make a review in. "Reply" takes you to a new screen where it gives you different tools to help review with, (Ex: Bold font, italics, colored font, quote a part of the piece, etc.) You can still view the story, but you have to scroll down to the bottom.
Quick reply is typically for shorter reviews and Reply is for longer, but either work! I know, I know it sounds really confusing but just play aroumd with it for awhile and you can figure it out! Also, everyone on here can help you with anything you need.
Hope this helps!

~Ktg
Even if you see in black and white, think in color...
  





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58 Reviews



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Points: 3696
Reviews: 58
Mon Jun 13, 2011 1:03 pm
Ktg17 says...



Ok and now to review your story, as promised.

Characters: I like your characters in this piece. You normally get a girl and her sister who do not get along and yadda yadda yadda. There's nothing original with that! You had a girl who loved her older sister and the sister was sweet and nice and funny. I loved it.

Intro:
Where was I going with this? I stopped typing to bang my forehead on the keyboard,
making it buzz angrily at me, “Error! Error!”
“Hmmmm.” I mumbled. The computer ignored me, and kept shouting its annoying monotone. I thumped the keys a couple of times to make it shut up.
“Error! Error!”
“Error you.” I seethed.
When I finally dragged open my eyelids, I found that my entire essay had been replaced by gibberish. I sighed. It was a bad one anyway.
“Error! Error! Error! Erroor! Errrrrroooorr. Clunk.”
Just like that, my computer had gone to computer heaven. I knew my mom would not be happy. Ah shucks.

I love this! It's a great intro and we get a feel for the character right off the bat. You have good voice here, too.

Story line: I love the meaning behind this piece, but there are a few things I was a little confused about- 1.) Why must they keep moving? I understand that she's a bad student, but usually even if you have a bad kid, people with cancer stay in one place so they can get treate\ment with the same doctor and stuff. Just clear that up a little. 2.) How old is our MC(main character)? I was thinking somewhere around 6th grade and the sister in 8th grade or High School, but we don't actually know!

Overall: I think this is a great short story, especially for your first piece here! I really like the conclusion, too. EVeryone makes mistakes and you live and you learn so I'm gonna bet that even after just a short time here, you're going to be better as a writer than you already are. Great Job!

Happy Writing!
~Ktg
Even if you see in black and white, think in color...
  





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Thu Jun 30, 2011 1:12 am
BluesClues says...



Hello, and thank you for entering my contest, "The Little Things."

I have to say, this story made me giggle. Although I don't personally know any eighth-graders who are quite like this, I find the story very believable, and I think you have a great handle on who Jordan is. She's a very three-dimensional character. She's obviously flawed, but she means well and still has a childlike side, as a thirteen-year-old should (though sadly many don't, these days).

You did a nice job with the little moments - I consider there to be two of them, one being when Alisha cheers Jordan up with her teddy bear, and the stronger one being the ending. Both moments were handled very well. The ending in particular was nice - you introduced the essay in the beginning and spent the middle showing us that Jordan is not really a good student. The result is that we know by the ending what a big deal it is that she decided to give the essay another shot, so kudos there.

All that really needs improvement here is some grammar and awkward writing. For example, when Jordan says her tendency to destroy things because of her "lack of precision." A lack of precision would not cause people to destroy things - precision is exactness or accuracy. Also, there's some telling in this paragraph:

“She’s not dead, Jordan,” Alisha read my mind. “But she will be if you don’t shape up.” Something changed me that moment. Alisha, my perfect, sweet sister, who was never, ever mad. This was the equivalent of a regular person screaming at me with all their might. She meant that if I couldn’t behave, we would have to move again, and couldn’t afford medicine for Mom. This was the first time I had ever heard her say something to me that wasn’t just pure kindness. This change in her caused a big change in me: an incentive to be good. And I knew, right then, that I had to do something about my attitude. It would be extremely hard, but I was ready. For Mom. Alisha had helped me yet again, and had done it so easily. I could never repay her.


I understand why - I mean, from Alisha's comment the reader is like, "How will not shaping up kill your mother?" Until they read further, and then they say, "Oh..." But if you can somehow manage to convey this otherwise - even in dialogue - this part will be a lot stronger.

And finally, it's an obvious overreaction when Jordan wonders if her mom is dead, since we just saw her mom in the kitchen, fine, cooing over Alisha's perfect grades.

Other than that, though, this was a very nice story, and you did a great job developing Jordan's character.

~Blue
  





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Thu Jun 30, 2011 1:34 am
Silverdragon150 says...



I'm sorry if my review isn't as good as everyone else's, but I just have to tell you how much I like this story. The beginning made me laugh and drew me in right away. I think it's a nice, short story with a great theme. We need to give a few more hugs sometimes. ;)
I liked the title, and I think it fits the piece just fine. Keep writing!
something something dragons something something open to conversation
Been quiet for a couple years, we'll see how this one goes.
  





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Sat Jul 02, 2011 3:33 am
keren says...



Wow cammie,
This story is excellent and sad. I don't have any nitpicks but I want to point out one thing.
cammie wrote:Whenever I got mad at her, she just smiled sadly and gave me a hug. “It’s ok Jordan. It’ll all work out.” She’d say. It was like she knew something I didn’t. She was so angelic.
. This kind of reminds me of Sharon and Patty from Summer of My German Soldier. Did you base it on them?
  





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Sat Jul 02, 2011 9:21 am
hannahLUV1 says...



I really liked this story, I dont think I can think of any criticisms at the the moment, but i did see a few grammar errors other than that it was really good, and very discriptive:)
  





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:21 pm
Deanie says...



Hi Cammie...

I liked this story. It was very interesting. It was an enjoyable read and I couldn't see any grammar or punctuation mistakes. The story was entertaining... but I was a little bit unconvinced when Alisha only said a few words and it almost immediately had an affect the main character. All her bad attitudes and behavior gone after only a few words?

But I do understand that this is a short story. To me though, it could've been more convincing.

Overall, it was great!

Deanie x
Trust in God and all else follows.

Deanie, dominating the world since it was cool @Pompadour, 2014
Your username reminds me of a hotdog @Stegosaurus, 2015
Tried to make puns out of your username, but every attempt has been Deanied @Candywizard, 2015
  








If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
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