Young Writers Society

I don’t remember much. Just the pain. I think I remember it because it was the last time I felt anything. Pain. What I would give just to feel its teeth sink into my heart one last time.
Red. Warmth. Blood pulsing through my veins as my heart beat a steady rhythm. A time when I was oblivious to the truth. A time when I was happy. I felt so alive at that moment, like lightning was coursing through my veins as every electron in my brain fired. In that moment I could never even imagine feeling nothing, because in that moment I felt everything. I was in his arms, and no one could ever hurt me. In his arms I was safe.
At least that’s what I thought. Turns out I was right. No one could hurt me there, no one but him.
I’d had lots of boyfriend before, I mean it was high school, and no one who looks like me ends up having just one boyfriend. But then we’d had a group of exchange students start last semester and I’d met Akio. He was different than my other boyfriends; enticing and handsome, yet gentle and kind. I was sure he was the one I would love forever; there was no doubt in my mind.
Standing there embraced by his strong arms I could still feel his body next to mine and yet it somehow felt separate from me. And then I felt it. The pain. It started in my heart, which one I couldn’t tell. I was two people, the girl beside Akio and then me, the real me.
His once gentle arms were like steel as he embraced me and the pain in my heart burst, filling the rest of my body with fire and ice, burning me and biting me at the same time. I screamed in pain, wanting nothing more than to die. The steel-like appendages tightened, crushing me, as something tore into my soul, shredding me to pieces. But as suddenly as the pain had started it vanished, along with any feeling I’d ever had, and suddenly the only thing I longed for was for the pain to return so at least I could feel something one last time.
*********
Something told me I had to get up and go to school, so I opened my eyes from the nightmare and obeyed.
“Morning, Dawn!” my mom chirped, always overly happy. I groaned.
“Wow, you don’t look so hot, honey. Maybe you should stay home-”
“I’m fine,” I snapped.
At school I simply floated to and from classes, taking notes, halfheartedly paying attention to the teacher. During break I just stood outside the class room I had recently vacated, unsure of what to do with myself. My peers were confused by my odd attitude but I just didn’t care.
It was third period when he finally found me. He reminded me of Akio and a part of me told myself I should be concerned. But I couldn’t bring myself to care. He was one of the exchange students, tall with unseemingly big blue eyes and a shock of bright blonde hair. Zane.
As he stared at me, it was as if he was trying to see into my soul, if I’d had one that was. Worry crossed his face as if he’d seen something there.
“Dawn, where’s Akio?”
I shrugged.
“Dunno,” I managed, deciding to vacate the area. I felt his hand on my arm, stopping me.
“He took you, didn’t he?” I shivered at the anger I heard in his voice, trying to remember, trying to recall what I should be feeling. But I couldn’t feel anything. I was numb; lifeless.
That night was the first of many that I was haunted by nightmares. Blackness surrounded me. It was so cold here. I could see the faint glow of my sickly white skin as I held my knees close to my chest, tight enough to crush my lungs. I was afraid to let go, afraid of the stillness in my chest, the emptiness that filled me now. I knew beneath my arms there was no heart, only a gaping hole. Bloodless, lifeless, somehow I was still alive. My body had become a zombie.
After the first day, Zane made it his duty to become my personal body guard. I didn’t mind him being there, he didn’t ask me questions like the other kids. He would talk though, but after a few weeks I learned to ignore the noise.
What he said was strange, even to my uncaring ears. He talked about a Rhelm, about meeting me there. He’d mentioned that I slept most of the time, but that I was lost and alone in the dark; dying.
I lost track of time, I lost track of what was going on around me. I think I was doing better in school than ever before because of my robot-like brain, but my mother was taking me to a shrink despite the fact. The only bright beacon in my life was Zane.
I’m not sure when it started, but I realized one day that Zane had been coming home with me. I think we worked on school together but again, I couldn't be sure.
Today was different though, Zane’s bright blue eyes were alight with happiness as he walked me home. When we were in my bedroom I looked dolefully at him, wishing I hadn’t thought so hard, wishing I could return to my numb trance-like state of nonexistence.
“I found you,” he whispered excitedly, making me wonder at his sanity. He took my arms and gently lowered me onto the bed. “I need to meet you there, Dawn. You know what I’m talking about, the place you go every night.”
I shivered. I didn’t want to be the zombie. I wanted to stay here, where my heart still beat.
“Trust me.” His voice was so calm, so reassuring. I went there every night… I guess I could try for him. Zane had been there for me, he hadn’t given up on me.
I nodded, lying back on the bed as I allowed my mind to drift. I could slowly feel the cold darkness, pressing in around me. It grew and enveloped me, forcing my eyes open.
Blackness. I shivered from the cold, automatically squeezing my arms tighter against my chest, not daring to see the hole. And then in the distance I saw a glowing figure, lighting a pathway in the darkness. I stumbled to my feet, clutching at my chest.
The man was carrying something large, but as he neared me he stopped and gently placed it on the ground. When the glowing figure rose I realized it was Zane. At last I wasn’t alone. As he neared me I knew I should feel elated or something by his presence, but my nonexistent heart refused to beat and inside was dull and cold; nothing.
“Dawn.” He reached me at last, taking my hands in his. “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long. Akio is one of the best soul-thieves in the Rhelm. He had you well hidden. But I found you and brought you home. Now it’s up to you.”
“Dawn!” he called my name but he wasn’t looking at me any longer, he was looking back the way he had come. I stared as a glowing figure rose from the ground, realizing he’d been carrying a sleeping body. She neared us and I stared at the girl before me; myself. In her hand she held a warm, pulsing heart. My heart.
“Dawn, you are all but dead without your soul, a corpse, a shell, a zombie. Your soul is alive, but she can’t return to a dead body. You would die.” Zane neared me. “When Akio came to your world I followed him, hoping he would not prey upon the souls here. Forgive me, Dawn. I failed the day he stole you away.” His beautiful blue eyes shown with misery and I wished I could feel something for his sake. “Let me repair the damage I have allowed, I can give you the breath of life.”
I stared blankly at him before reaching out to touch my heart. Dawn jerked it away, placing it in Zane’s waiting hands.
He neared me, shielding the beating heart from my touch. I felt him kiss my forehead. “Dawn, your body is alive, it’s heart beating,” he explained to deaf ears. “What lies in my hands is the heart to your soul. When I restore it to you, your soul will heal, and reunite with your body.”
I found I didn’t care. I felt nothing as Zane leaned down to kiss me, but then realized he wasn’t exactly kissing me. He was breathing for me. For the first time I felt air enter my crushed lungs and the pain that came with it excited me. I realized I relished the pain and with my new found thirst I breathed back, longing for the air that couldn’t come fast enough. I didn’t scream as the pain grew stronger.
But then I couldn’t help it. I reached out to grasp Zane’s arms and realized my own body was now glowing with life. As I fell into his arms he leaned forward and thrust the beating heart into my chest. I screamed as the pain worsened beyond anything I had ever felt. I grew afraid as I fell to the ground, writhing, realizing the heart had stopped beating.
Tears stung my eyes as I shakily found breath without Zane’s help.
“Beat dam it, beat!” I choked, slamming my fist into my chest, my screams and sobs filling the cold world of lost souls. “Help me, Zane!”
He was there beside me, supporting me as he helped me to my feet. Walking me forward, I stared into Dawn’s eyes. She was crying as she reached out her arms as if to hug me, but as she stepped forward she vanished and suddenly the pain was gone.
It sounded like a clock tolling and I jumped as my heart took its first beat. I looked up into Zane’s beautiful eyes and for the first time I realized that I loved him.
He took me into his arms and I was suddenly reminded of the time before all of this had happened, when it had been Akio’s arms I had found shelter in. But now I knew this was real. As my emotions re-kindled inside me, my heart slowly began to thaw.

This was quite good for a short story. Personally, I would have liked more info--but more info would probably have led it to be fanfiction-y. You can't do much with a boy-breaks-girl-'nother-boy-fixes-girl story. It's an unfortunate fact of life. Yet, you pulled it off rather well--captured a certain level of pain and then nothingness. It reminds me of what I wonder about after a panic attack--what I'd feel like if it never stopped.

However, her dependence on the males in her life, while needed towards the end, was a bit--unnerving. To me, anyway.

Basically, you captured the emotions you wanted and let everything else, even the a wonder of 'Is this smart?'--be completely muted. It's an interesting effect, even if it doesn't exactly match up with reality.

Anyway, I liked it and it kept me reading, which is unusual--I don't review things as often as I should because either grammar or too much ill-done cliche/an idea I don't like and can't stand pops up. This was good. Small note, though: The end could use some work. The pronouns got all muddled and it was almost like there was a POV change. You'll probably be able to fix it once you read over it.

So, yes--keep writing and I may have to check out your portfolio to see what else you've done. Also, good luck with the contest.

-Casper

Hmmm..Overall, I found the story very interesting. I could tell it was written with passion and emotion. The song and emotion were well-chosen. There were several good metaphors, and so-so imagery. Good job.

My critique:

Spelling Errors: in the second paragraph- ...alive at that moment, like lightening was...

Grammar Errors: in the sixth paragraph- ...and suddenly the only thing I longer for was for the pain to return so at least I could..., in the seventeenth paragraph- I was as numb and lifeless.

Criticism: First of all, I thought that this was very well-written, I could tell you spent a lot of time on it. The only thing I didn't really like was the fact that the beginning was sort of cliche. As the story progressed, things became different, but the whole boy-breaks-a-girl's-heart thing is old news. It is used in stories all the time. Maybe you could add some more flavor to it. But I really did like it. I think that's because of the fact that it WAS cliche. Good job

Hi Dakota,
Like, Wow! I Totally loved this piece of your writing, cliche’s and all. (Of course, I mean it’s you we’re talking about here). Anywho, I only found a couple nitpicks, so here goes:

I’m not sure when it started, but I realized one day that Zane had been coming home with me. I think we worked on school together but again, I can’t be sure.

when you start out you say 'I realized', and then you change tenses to say ' I can't be sure'. Not sure if it's supposed to be like this or not, just sounds a little akward.

“When Akio came to your world I followed him, hoping he would not prey upon your souls.

I didn't get at first that he meant everyone in her world, you could change it to something like 'the souls there' or something more elaborate.

“What lies in my hands is the heart to your soul. When I restore it to you now, your soul will heal, and reunite with your body.”

I grew afraid as I fell to the ground, writhing, realizing the heart has stopped beating.

had.

She was crying. She reached out her arms as if to hug me, but as she stepped toward me, she vanished and suddenly the pain was gone.

you use me twice in one sentence. You could change it to 'as she stepped forward' or something.

That's all I found, and most of the nitpicks are based on personal opinion, so feel free to just ignore me.
Good luck, have fun, and keep up the great writing!
~Zanna Shepherd

Hey Dakota. This is your incredibly late review for Capture that Emotion.

You captured "numbness" rather well. The fact you used summary for a lot of events helped capture that a lot, and the longing was a nice touch. But, I found your prose choked by a few things.

Firstly, your use of names. "Rhelm" in particular just made me cringe. Changing a few letters of a word does not make a unique name, and for such a unique premise it really stood out. Had you spent just a little more time on the name, I wouldn't have been jerked out of the story at seeing it.

Secondly, the whole thing with Zane felt a bit off. She's numb, can't feel anything, yet she's still feeling a small amount of joy at his presence. This mild contradiction does set up your ending (although more on that in a bit), but it is a contradiction. You'd been capturing the emotion so well until that point, the whole thing just felt forced.

Which led to your ending feeling forced. A realization of love in approximately a minute after he saves her life. Yes, this could happen, but it was just so rushed I disliked it. I also found you stuck a bit too close to the song for your ending; once I listened to it, the events of the ending became a checklist. While the object of the contest was to use a song as inspiration, we were also looking for deviation from the song. Especially if it meant making a smoother ending than what you currently have. Your dialogue felt a bit forced, and the whole process probably could've been improved to echo the feeling set up at the beginning of the story. Had you made a stronger effort to bookend this piece— having a very similar scene at the beginning and end, only different results— it would have been a lot cleaner.

Overall, I enjoyed this on my first few reads. But the points above really detracted from my enjoyment of the piece for judging.

PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey