Young Writers Society

A sharp pain stung her swollen eyes; salted tears ran down her jaw and neck. Why was he still yelling? Did he ever stop? She didn’t know anymore. Her back hit the cold painted wall, pressed on the bed, against the wall and between him. His grey eyes ragged with furry and his mouth blabbered on uncontrollably.

And then it happened. Every day, every time, just like before. A fast hand stung the side of her face. She scrambled to get away from him then, pulling at the sheets and anything she could get a hold of. The same hand fell against the back of her neck and pulled her down against the bed. She lay there helplessly, only knowing the outcome would be worse if she struggled.

He dug his knees into her wrists and used his strong feet to hold down her legs. He pulled her shirt up to her neck, having her lay there on her chest. She felt his weight leave her body and heard him losing his belt. She gave out a cry of pleas’, but was only responded with a sharp leather belt lashed against her back. She cried out again, her sight was blinded with the salted tears and blood rose in her mouth. Would anybody hear her? No. Not when they lived on a deserted shoreline. Over and over, the belt fell hard against her back. How many times? How long? She couldn’t keep track.

She thought she loved this man, she thought he loved her. But anytime she did anything slightly wrong she was yelled at, treated like a dog or child, and lashed. Sexually Abused and Beaten. Would anybody care? Probably not. Would anybody ever know? Not until she was dead.


These are links related to Domestic Abuse, please watch them and be aware...

Loved every second it. You used great descriptive language and that made it easier for me to understand what was going on. I was drawn in by the first couple of seconds. Can't wait to read more from you!

It's disturbing and made me feel slightly ill, but I get the impression that thats what you were aiming for. If so, well done! Your use of description was excellent, and I was also really drawn into it. Only things that didn't flow for me were little mistakes:

"Her back hit the cold painted wall, pressed on the bed, against the wall and between him." Is she against the wall, or on the bed? It seemed like she was in both places at once, and I'm not sure, but I think this is a comma splice as well.

"His grey eyes ragged with fury and his mouth blabbered on uncontrollably." I assume that furry was a typo, and you've also used two tenses in this sentence. There should either be a 'were' after eyes, or it should say 'and his mouth was blabbering'. Just to make it flow better.

"She gave out a cry of pleas’" Do you mean , "She gave out a cry of, "Please!" ? Again, probably just a typo.

All in all, very well done. I really felt drawn into it as a story. Keep it up!

Interesting, but there are some mistakes here.

Her back hit the cold painted wall, pressed on the bed, against the wall and between him.

This sentence should be broken up and rephrased, the "pressed on the bed" part does not fit.

She scrambled to get away from him then, pulling at the sheets and anything she could get a hold of.

The word "then" does not fit.

She lay there helplessly, only knowing the outcome would be worse if she struggled.

After helpless, there should be another word other than "only".

She gave out a cry of pleas’,

The apostrophe does not fit after pleas.

but was only responded with a sharp leather belt lashed against her back

Bad sentence structure.

I was sad when I saw it was done. I want more.