Young Writers Society

Here is another short story, this is only the second one I've ever written so any suggestions on how to improve are welcome. Hope you like it.



The doctors say I have a twenty percent chance of living. I’ve always been ‘the glass is half full' sort of person but it's hard to be optimistic when your cup is three fourths of the way empty.

Cancer. You hear about other people having it but you just don’t understand until you’re going through it yourself. The feeling of being trapped. The horrifying sensation of being unclean. Held captive by your own body.

The poison of it seeps into every potion of your life. Every joyful time tainted by the silent question in the back of everyone’s mind, but most prominent in your own.

Is this the last time?

People avoid talking about it when you’re around, but it, with pity, is always there. An almost tangible presence, as unforgettable as the stark smoothness of your scalp.

My parents tell me they’re so proud of me. How strong I’ve been and that they know I’m going to beat this, but their eyes say differently. There I read the truth. Unspoken words of sadness, fear, and pity lay within them so deep that I want to scream. But I don’t. I can’t. So I smile and their lips turn up in response and we pretend that we aren’t scared senseless.

Sometimes, after a treatment, they ask me, is there anything I need or do I want anything? I say no, but that’s not true. There are so many things I want.

I want to walk up a set of stairs without having to stop for breath. I want to go to the mall without people staring at me from the corners of their eyes. I want to stop hurting. I want to learn how to drive. I want to go shopping for my first piece-of-crap car. I want my hair back. I want to have my first kiss. I want to go to college. I want to visit another country. I want to run a marathon. I want to be healthy. I want to get married. I want to go sky diving. I want to have a family.

I tell people I love them a lot these days. My parents, my siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. I tell them to live life to the fullest. That’s what I’m doing. It would be easy for me to be bitter about this and to be honest, at times, I am. But I don’t want to be remember that way. I don’t want to waste the time I’ve been given. So I try to be brave, but sometimes it is so hard, because more than everything else,

I don’t want to die.

Good evening.
I think I'll start with nitpicks:

I’ve always been a ‘the glass is half full' sort of person(comma) but its hard to be optimistic when your cup is three fourths of the way empty.

I really like this line. It's a great way to start a story, it would capture almost anyone's attention.

Held captive by your own body.

Every joyful time is tainted by the silent question in the back of everyone’s mind, but most prominent in your own,(period instead)

People avoid talking about it when you’re around, but it,with pity, is always there.

Not feeling this sentence, it's awkward. Maybe try changing it up a bit to make it more clear. It feels cloudy right now.

An almost tangible presence. As unforgettable as the stark smoothness of your scalp.

You could make this one sentence.

Sometimes(comma) after a treatment(comma) they ask me if I want anything.

There are so many things I want.

I want to go to collage college.

Wrong word

I want to walk up a set of stairs without having to stop for breath. I want to go to the mall without people staring at me from the corners of their eyes. I want to stop hurting. I want to learn how to drive. I want to go shopping for my first piece-of-crap car. I want my hair back. I want to have my first kiss. I want to go to collage. I want to visit another country. I want to run a marathon. I want to be healthy. I want to get married. I want to go sky diving. I want to have a family.

I like this. You would think that it would get incredibly tedious, but it never does. The only thing I would suggest changing is the order in which you wrote the things she wants. Right now it seems mish-mashed, which maybe have been what you were going for, but I think it would strike more emotion if you had a ... I can't really think of the word, but if it were written in a certain order, you know?

But I don’t want to be remembered that way.

I don’t want to die.

Good, solid ending.

Might I say that I loved the writing style you used here. It makes the whole thing seem very personal. I'm not completely sure if this is fictional, but I'm going to review it as though it is. Your protagonist had a strong voice throughout the entire story, and everything about this was consistent.
The only thing I had any sort of issue with was that it wasn't much of a story. Not quite a rant, but it didn't exactly have a plot either. Still, it's a beautiful piece, and I hope to see more like this! Hope this helped

Wow, I really liked this piece although it made me sad.
I think you did a good job with this.

Just a few minor things though:

I’ve always a ‘the glass is half full sort of person but its hard to be optimistic when your cup is three fourths of the way empty.

You refer to the character being a glass is half full, sort of person. The you call it a cup. I think you should call it a glass in the second mention instead of cup. That way it relates. It does still relate, but seems detached because one is a glass the other a cup.

Also, I've always been a ...

Held captive by you own body.
Held captive by your own body.

It would flow a tad better if these were joined into one sentence.
An almost tangible presence. As unforgettable as the stark smoothness of your scalp.

So I smile and their lips turn up in response and we pretend to each other that we aren’t scared senseless.
This sounds a bit clunky, but is clearer if you eliminate, to each other, and have it:
So I smile and their lips turn up in response and we pretend we aren't scared senseless.

I want to go to collage.
I want to go to college.

It would be easy for me to be bitter about this and to be honest, at times. I am.
These two should be joined as one sentence.

But I don’t want to be remember that way.
But I don't want to be remembered that way.

So I try to be brave, but sometime it is so hard,
So I try to be brave, but sometimes it is so hard,

Now to the bits I really love.

Every joyful time tainted by the silent question in the back of everyone’s mind, but most prominent in your own,

Is this the last time?

I love the emotion in this sentence. I wish I could write sentences this powerful. It's so great.

I want to go shopping for my first piece-of-crap car.

That made me smile. A tad bit of humor lightened this piece, but overall it kept its sadness.

So I try to be brave, but sometime it is so hard, because more than everything else,

I don’t want to die.

I think that's such a great way to end it. With the character fighting on, living to the fullest, not wasting time, not wanting to die.

I really loved this. In such a short space you've done so much. Only thing I think you could either do or not, is give the character a gender. To a point I feel the character's gender being unknown gives this a better tone, so you could keep it as is. But then again, I feel like I can't visualize the character properly because of no gender being stated. But, I doubt it'd matter the gender of the character when it comes to cancer, its the same for everyone.

But, I really loved this. I think you did a great job.

I'm just going to disregard the nitpicks because, well, they're nitpicks. But ultimately I just love this piece. From a structure perspective, this was just a solid piece in my opinion. Somehow, you managed to give a personality to this character that I've only had a short time spent with. I know this character and can sympathize with her which simply put means that you did a good job with development. I dig it.

The concept with the cup is just awesome. Most people that try to come up with a concept come up with something really corny, and it's a terrible thing to say, but cancer stories can often come out as corny too. And to be able to take something as cliched as "cup half full" and turn it into such a thoughtful symbol was great. Kudos.

And I really like your use of fragments. Most people get annoyed by it because most people just can't use it right. You, however, did. And to me, it gave a further impression of the character and their thoughts.

It's a good piece here. The only improvement would be to make it longer so I could read more of it.

Hey there!

but its hard to be optimistic

The only nit-pik that I think didn't get caught is this - 'its' should be 'it's'

Okay, so this was great. The topic was sad, but you dealt with it well. I cared for the narrator because I wanted to. This was mostly down to the way you had her speak/ tell the piece. She was sincere. She was truthful. She wasn't fake sounding, or 'woe is me'. I agree that this could be real - as in from the point of view of someone who's actually going through what the narrator is. It read like a piece of non-fiction, is what I'm trying to say.

That may be because of the topic, and because cancer is something that seems to be all around lately. But mostly I think it's because of the way you wrote this. There wasn't too much padding and it wasn't too bare. Sure, it would have been nice to know a little more about the character, besides the fact that she's dying. But I guess we know she's strong, at least on the outside, by the way she puts on a smile when she's around people.

As it is, this isn't quite a story. It's more a list of thoughts, strung together in a way that makes it a potential story.

None the less, I think this was good. The ending was sad and solid. It summed up the whole piece without being too wordy and over dramatic. It was simple, like the concept, and it worked.

I hope this helps and thanks for the read!

xDudettex

Hi there, Dragongirl.

I think what you have here is nice and in more ways than none, a respectable piece. But to be frank and not harsh, that's all it seemed to be to me. I feel as though I can respectively assume much of this. Whether it be from real people going through the same type of heart wrenching ordeal, or a storyline in a movie. It's something I'm aware of, what you've gone and written here. Therefor in reading it, I wasn't expecting the gist of this piece to be simply what you've gone and left it as, I was truly looking for more. More emotion, more of a personal touch, more room for my dripping sympathy as a reader. What you have was understandably respectable, but not quite as excellently original or captivating as I wish it maybe could have been.

That being said, I wanted to point out that there was an area in here that I did like. In fact, had you spent more time with the little incidentals and fine details to paint the larger picture in a much more solid way, I think this could have definitely been more sound when it comes to the inspiration of seeking out such a sadness. I like when you started getting into the things that this narrator wanted. There was so much that she wanted, but you also had a tendency to be very plain forward with depicting these desires. Why not give reason to why she wants these things. Deeper reason that is. Allow the reader to sympathize and grow pulled into the words in this narration.

I had a few minor nitpicks, as some of the other reviewers as well I see. xD

The poison of it seeps it to into every potion of your life.

People avoid talking about it when you’re around, but it, with pity, [it] is always there.

I want to go to college.

You meant college, presumably, not a crafty piece of artwork. That'd be silly. ;]

It would be easy for me to be bitter about this(,) and to be honest, at times, I am. But I don’t want to be remember(ed) that way.

Well, all in all I think this could indeed be a sound basis for something really special. You have the potential to really dress it up and give it some grounds for a melancholic piece of sorts. I would simply try to focus on the structuring though, and what exactly it is that you're evoking through all these little pieces you're putting together. Keep up the great work though! I hope anything I might've mentioned in my review may be of some help to you.

-Smylin'

The it's 4/5ths full rabble rabble rabble!
This piece reminded me of some of my later works like adequate man or yellow sheets dealing with disease and borrowed time. And bob of course. As morbid as it sounds I love dealing with the effects of cancer or tumors or disease in relationship to characters and I was really drawn to this work as a result. While I tend to approach it with a more darkly hundred tone you go straight for the hert here. On one hand I find the blunt emotion very well done, the point where your protagonist recounts all the things she wants was well drawn without being sappy. I'll admit a few points made me go meh, like the running out of breath up the stairs route. It's just something we all know about. And honestly unless this is very far into chemo and dvlopment it would be such an issue.

You should check out the film50/50 or the show breaking bad for some very quite and piercing insight into cancer if youre interested. I also felt a bit more depth to the piece in terms of length is needed, I know it's short and powerful but I felt a bit more time could be spent developingthis char and what she was like before the Illness, even if Is just a few glimpses, would benefit greatly.

A very nice 2nd story from you. Well done

I was just going to give this a 'like' because all the nitpicks have already been done, but I just wanted to say that this was really powerful for me. It reminded me of the time when I found out my friend had cancer, and that she would spend her junior year of high school in a hospital. Whenever I would come visit with people, there was always hidden tension, like it was hard to think of anything to say. "So, how's life in the hospital?" It's just different. So thanks for writing this piece.