Young Writers Society

Death. Here it was before her, looking her in the eye and all she could do was greet the icy cold fingers of death, with open arms. Alicia's feet shuffled closer to the edge of the steep cliffs, small gravel being pushed off the edge, falling to their deaths. Soon she will accompany them. Her flaming hair flowed behind her, as if it wanted to escape her before she left this world.
Her swirling blue eyes dashed back and forth, from the dagger shaped cliffs to the beating fists of the waves. It was painful to see her beautiful, sapphire eyes fill up with tears. "I can't do it anymore." Her voice cracked, the tears spilled as if trying to smooth away the pain she had felt for so long. "I can't take the abuse anymore, the screaming, and hatred. The pain." Alicia led a difficult life, an abusive father who would strike her mother every night and when she left, he struck her. Every night.
She spun around at the dusty path behind her, she waited. She knew what she wanted to happen, a knight in gleaming armour to save her. But no horse trotted up the gravely path. She gave a last helpless laugh, a last helpless plea.
For her it wasn’t committing suicide, it was an escape from life which needed escaping. That’s what she told herself, to the last rock she was bashed against, to the last wave that came over her. Here it was. Death.

short yet completely beautiful. i really like the way the emotions are protrayed.
love the title too. it really gives life to the story.

Death. Here it was before her, looking her in the eye and all she could do was greet the icy cold fingers of death, with open arms. Alicia's feet shuffled closer to the edge of the steep cliffs, small gravel being pushed off the edge, falling to their deaths. Soon she will accompany them. Her flaming hair flowed behind her, as if it wanted to escape her before she left this world.

these were my most favourite sentences. it really displays what she is about to do. the lines are perfect for me.

"I can't do it anymore." Her voice cracked, the tears spilled as if trying to smooth away the pain she had felt for so long. "I can't take the abuse anymore, the screaming, and hatred. The pain." Alicia led a difficult life, an abusive father who would strike her mother every night and when she left, he struck her. Every night.

the whole story is being writen in Alicia's perspective. it gives depth to the story. but the sentences in bold seem kind of not fitting in. it no longer her speaking but you.
maybe something like -
"was this life? alicia thought, leading a difficult life with an abusive father to put up with. She could vivdly remember those torturous hours when her father used to strike her mother every night and when her mother left it would be her. Every night.."
this is just the basic idea. it continues the flow and you have an excellent flow.

She spun around at the dusty path behind her, she waited. She knew what she wanted to happen, a knight in gleaming armour to save her. But no horse trotted up the gravely path. She gave a last helpless laugh, a last helpless plea.

i love this part too. makes the reader pity the girl.
love the conclusion.

-manisha

So, on a site for young writers like this, we have seen people committing suicide countless times. Jumping, cutting, guns, etc. Even more, almost all of these stories are comprised of the last 5 seconds of said person's life. And these people are either escaping abuse or unknown sadness. The libraries of the world are becoming full of the final moments of life.

So ask yourself what else you can bring to the table.

A few suggestions:
Characterization. Flesh out your character. Fill her with hopes or desires or ideas or unique perspectives. What is Alicia? An abused girl. Okay, now, what else? Oliver Twist was more than an orphan. Quasimodo was more than a hunchback. Frankenstein was more than a monster. Characters--humans--are more than their situation. So, the least you can do for Alicia is breathe life into her before you kill her.

Depth. Explore the situation. Explore the thoughts. Explore the emotion. It's more than, "I am sad, I will kill myself."

Beauty. Play with the language. We have hints of it when you talk about her hair. What else? What do the last moments of life look like to a dying person?

A twist? A revelation? A sudden fear of the eternal?

What you have written is okay. The words work together. Thrusting the backstory about her father into that sentence or two wasn't too welcome, though, and I would've appreciated a more delicate approach. Overall, okay. But don't you want to be great? Don't you want to have fun writing? Let your words play. Let your mind explore the story.

To the above post (Sargsauce), the thing is i didn't want to give depth into this story. The whole point is for the story to be short and for the reader to ponder questions. Also Alicia is a ruined child and yes there are alot of stories like that and in my opinion and in my mind she is more than that, someone who aspires to help but thats not what i wanted to reader to see. I wanted them to love her even in her darkest moment. She also wasnt meant to be portrayed as a thing of beauty, i didnt want the reader to focus on her looks or her personality i wanted them to focus on her situation and how she felt, why she wanted this.
Honestly, i didn't want this to be a story with a pathetic twist where she ends happy and living even though that may be more suitable. I wanted this story to show that not everything ends happily. Also, i think that Alicia would never be scared of the eternal, simply because of the life she has lived.
Also, its more than her being sad. That's a pretty horrible thing to say. People don't just get a little upset then go jump in front of a car, Alicia had an ongoing source of pain and this to her was the easier way, the way she wanted. I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy it but you weren't meant to, you were meant to understand it, understand that life isnt fairy tales and love, its pain. That was the point.

Hello,

You really do give definition to the phrase "short but sweet".
I liked it, the way it portrayed her emotions, it is really evident.
Maybe there could have been a little bit more depth in the character though, not just her emotions, but her life.
From the first sentence, you can tell what this character is going to do.
I know a few people who don't like killing their characters but I am one who is guilty of killing all of mine in exam stories.
You really capture the readers attention, propel them to keep reading.
Maybe only the people who like this type of writing but everyone has their own opinion.
And where the character thinks that suicide is the only option, thats a good point too. Because even though there may be other options, in this characters case maybe running away, people who generally commit suicide think that exact think at the time. That it is the only option.
Well, hopefully I was of some help.
Keep up the great work.

-- Ever.