Young Writers Society

There he was, just standing there, when what he wanted to do was forbidden. He was stuck on one side of the fence with no way over. Well, it was possible to go to the other side, but only in a black body bag, powdered with lime.
He put his hands on the barbed wire, ignoring the sharp points tearing into his flesh. The pain was nothing compared to the pain in his heart, the longing for escaping. He could still remember those words.
“Have you ever thought about going to the other side, Arthur?” Lily asked. “As in, really seriously thought about it?”
“I…suppose I have,” Arthur admitted, rubbing his shoulder where the needle had pierced. “Who hasn’t, really? Who would want to stay here?”
She bit her lip and didn’t say anymore. He took it to mean that she didn’t want to talk about the matter anymore, but then next time he came for another shot it was the same.
“I’ve been thinking, Arthur,” She said, filling the syringe. “About what you said before.”
Arthur was silent, hoping she didn’t mean…
“I want to go outside so much!” she burst out, nearly dropping the glass bottle. “I really do!”
He shook his head slowly; why did this have to happen to him? She knew as well as any other that they couldn’t leave. The fence would always be there, huge, forbidding and deadly.
Lily sidled up to him, hoping the black boxes on the ceiling wouldn’t hear them.
“I’ve been saving up money,” she said. “I think…”
He stared at the wad of bills in her fist, shocked. Only the dissidents thought of escaping, and only thieves could get money. But weren’t they all dissidents, then? And wasn’t the Commandant a thief for stealing their lives?
“I think it might be enough,” Arthur finished, closing his hand over hers. “Do you know the brick pile near the fence?”

She never showed up. He saw the black van back up to the hospital and heave her out, a black bag jammed over her head. She wasn’t struggling, but she wasn’t walking either, it was as if she was already dead, her limp body a corpse to be dragged around.
He ran then, ran to the fence without stopping until he was directly under it. He thought they would have shot me before he even got near, but the towers were surprisingly silent.
He put his hands on the fence and thought about what was forbidden. About what Lily had said to him. About what she had dreamed.
What had compelled to this? Was it only Lily, whispering crazed ideas in the hospital room? Or was there a similar idea, burning deep in his own heart of hearts? He wouldn’t know now unless…
Then, ignoring the screaming pain from his fingers and hands, he gripped the fence wire and pulled myself up. Hand over hand, blood dripping down his arms until his jacket was drenched. Over the top and then down, mere feet from where he’d been a few minutes ago, but miles away at the same time.
He was free.



Lily gasped as the black bag was ripped from her head.
“Well done, Lily.” The voice came from behind her.
Lily turned around to see the Commandant standing next to his desk, looking out the window towards the desert. A tiny black spot moved somewhere near the horizon.
“Do you understand your task, now, Lily?” the Commandant asked.
“No, sir,” Lily whispered.
The Commandant shut the window and sat at his desk, folding his hands and leaning forward; exactly the way he appeared in pictures all over the city. No schoolroom was complete without the image of the beloved Commandant staring down at the students.
“Dissidents are a dangerous and tricky thing to deal with,” he explained. “Arthur worked for the People’s Newspaper…a column writer. He could have done great damage if he thought to destroy us that way.”
“But he didn’t.”
“No,” the Commandant said, actually smiling now. “He would have never thought about leaving if you hadn’t planted the idea in his head.”
Lily shuddered, hoping the Commandant didn’t see it.
“He’ll die now,” Lily half-asked, half-stated the fact. “Without the shots the virus will kill him.”
“Yes,” the Commandant said, leaning back in his chair. “We can kill him without a single bullet. No citizen of the Beloved Republic can live without the blessing of their government. Viruses are our angels of death, vaccines the saviors of souls.”
He laughed out loud, as though he’d said something extremely funny.

okay. the stuff is less but its pretty and good. Its too new. I like the plot. It creates a lot of pain in readers mind. I like the eagerness you create in reader's mind.. Like how did the narrator get there and the suspense about Lily, just clear first how thought Lily is dead, then she is alive.. Is she some master mind? I guess this is the mystery... A new plot just brush up with the details nice plot..

Keep Writing!!!!

Jenth, hi!

I don't believe I've ever had the pleasure of reviewing one of your works before. I suppose I'll start here with this then. My starting impression was a little off its footing I must say. Because I wasn't entirely sound on your setting of where this all was taking place. I wasn't sure if these people were being held behind a fence because there was some kind of takeover going on or if this was something similar to a concentration camp. Then you slowly but randomly brought in the bit about the shots. It also made me wonder some, but I wasn't exactly sound on an idea until you explained the part about it being a hospital. So, eventually I did grasp this in whole, though I wish it wouldn't have taken as long to do so. I wish it could have been a much more open and smoother process from the very beginning.

Now about the whole thing with the shots and the virus epidemic thing going on here in your story. Do any of the people who are being held behind these fences know? You never quite explain this detail, which is a shame, because I think it sort of shapes and molds the whole dynamic of it. If they do know, then there is reason to stay safe where they're told to be. If they don't know, well then, it makes sense that they'd have the natural urge to run if the place they were in was so unpleasant. I think in some way you should perhaps make this detail known in a more distinct way if anything. Let the fact be clear.

Another thing, Lily is a traitor!? That is so messed up. xD Poor Arthur. What I don't understand is why she had the jurisdiction to prove his being a dissident to the people whom of which were in charge. Was she a spy in general? Did these people use her for situations such as these often? She must know in her heart that the only reason he ended up running was because he thought she was dead and he couldn't stand being in this place without her. That he'd symbolically get out because she still was. Even if it was in a body bag. I don't know, I just felt this was all rather sad. As intended I'm sure. So nice job either way, Jenth.

As for a few small quotes and nit picky things, I have here a few:

The pain was barely anything [compared] to the pain in my heart,

I think this sounds much more complete with the extra word added in.

“I think it might be enough,” I finished, closing my hand over hers. “Do you know the brick pile near the fence?”

This sentence confused me because I wasn't exactly sure if you simply made a typo or not. You say 'I' finished, instead of she finished. But the girl character, Lily, was the only one talking before this next bit. Not the MC. If it is him speaking, make it a little less vague and confusing and a little more solid of an image. Because the next paragraph you begin makes it seem like he's the one who suggested this.

Hand over hand, blood dripping down my arms until my jacket arms were drenched.

When you repeat words too closely like you did here with the word arms, it just sounds like tired writing. Like you hadn't a clue as to what new words to turn to next. Instead of saying blood was dripping down the arms of his jacket, I think it'd sound better to say sleeves.

Well, I suppose that's about it for the larger nitpicks. Overall, I think this is a wonderful first draft to build off from. You may have a few things that could use some fixing up, but I wouldn't leave it the way that it is now. Especially when it's already budded that feeling of being such an interesting read. Please make a few tweaks to the things I mentioned. You'll definitely be making this a little bit tighter in places. If you decide to edit and are looking for a second opinion, I'd be glad to come back! Just hit me up.

-Smylin'

Hey there!

I really liked this. The twist at the end was good, although I was mad and sad that Lily betrayed Arthur. I mean, she knew he was going to die if he escaped.

So they let him escape to spread the disease that he has, right? I just wanted to be clear. If this is the case, then I agree with a few points that SmylinG's bought up. Do the other people that live with him, in a hospital?, know that he's really ill? Are they all there for the same reason? It's just, at the moment, it feels like there's something missing.

Don't get me wrong, I love the mystery of this piece and the way you've written it is fab. It's just that it feels like there's room for you to add more of a background in. I want to know a little more about Arthur. How he came to be there. I also found myself wondering how old he was. You don't have to do a huge info-dump paragraph on him, as I'm sure you wouldn't want to, but maybe you could clue the reader in to his age with the way Lily speaks to him. Maybe, but I'm sure if you want to listen to my advice, you'll come up with a way to do it yourself.

I do like the mystery to this piece and there's no way I want you to change it, but a little more background on Arthur and his illness would be good for the reader and beneficial for the story, I think.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex

I think that, due to the way this story came to be, there was not much room for putting a background in. I suppose that's why you edit afterwards.
Okay, a little explanation.

1.They are in a concentration camp, yes. But it is also a testing facility for a government-created virus (how cliché is that?). Without daily shots, the people holding the virus soon die.
2.Lily manages many, many people a day, this way, she can come in contact with a large part of the camp. It is her duty to find out which of the people within are dissidents, and expose them. This makes the camp sound more like a communist country than a facility, so you can see it wasn't well thought out.
3. Arthur dies.

Really nice the title drew me in

Hello,

To tell the truth, I didn't really understand that concept of the story until I read other peoples comments.
But now that I have I sort of get the idea of the story.
I can't see any grammar or spelling mistakes, first step for a good writer, no?
I thought the story was very good in capturing an audiences attention, I know that I didn't want to stop until I knew the end.
I can't really comment on the ideas within the story, as I am not an expert on it myself, so I shall let the people who are familiar with that help you with that.
I did enjoy reading the story though, what first caught my attention was the title, which is always a good start.
Very good with the flow too, expect for at the end. It jumped to Lily talking and I didn't really get that until I read it through a couple of times.
Anyway, Happy writing to you, keep up the good work

-- Ever