Young Writers Society

My body started to shake violently, my vision became blurred. My tongue started to move erratically around in my mouth like a wild horse. I wasn’t in control. My body took over as I lay helplessly on the tile. I blacked out….. I awake to the sound of footsteps rushing toward me. A few gentlemen and ladies dressed in white all huddle around me. While they dispute their findings of me, the helpless son of a gun laying on the floor with slime running out my mouth, I take a deep breath and stare at the light bulb above me. Not one thought runs through my mind as I am lifted gently off the tile and placed on a wheelchair. From my sitting position, I can feel the wheels on the chair every so often run over a slight bump.

I shut my eyes tightly as I grip my hand against the arm rest. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know who I am. Most importantly I’m not sure what has happened to me. All of a sudden I collapsed in some building I’ve never seen. The smell is something I’ve never smelt before, the scenery is completely unregistered. I feel the wheelchair come to a standstill, I hear the sound of a door opening and suddenly the chair begins to move again. I feel another bump followed by the sound of the same door close. I open one eye to look around; there is a hospital bed in the center of the room. Aside from the bed is a small counter armed with a variety of different medical tools. Some that I am able to make out, one scalpel, one retractor, a long suction cord, and a dilator.

I close my eye and begin to say a small prayer. I have forgotten though how it goes. My memory is shit gone; I don’t remember a single thing. Now I am somewhere in some building somewhere I’ve never seen before in a room with surgical tools. Talk about being scared and helpless. I feel a hand on my right shoulder followed by a calming voice. “Mr. Mitchell, do you know where you are? Do you know who I am?” The voice disappears; I am not sure of whom he is talking to. Unless my name is Mitchell? I open my mouth to try and make words… nothing comes out though. “Don’t worry Mr. Mitchell we are going to take good care of you here.” Those words were truly reassuring knowing that I have no idea where I am, but by now I have figured out that I am Mr. Mitchell. I try one more time to talk; all that comes out is a girlish moan. I open both my eyes to find all the people in white staring at me. Funny really. They must have thought my little girlish moan was a big deal if they all stared at me. I count two men and three ladies, in total five people in the room not including me. They all have surgical mask on including a visor I’m guessing to keep the blood out of their eyes. More reasons for me to worry. I look around at them and try to figure out which person was talking to me. I know for sure that it was a male’s voice. But which one of these two guys is the mystery winner.

“Mr. Mitchell you’ve been in a car incident, you were driven here by EMS and tried escaping from them. We believe you are suffering from internal bleeding and a slight loss of memory. Can you please follow my finger?” The shorter looking gentlemen in white moved his finger up, down, left, and right before moving away from me. “Thank you for cooperating, now if you would please stand and walk toward the bed.” I stumbled as my feet met the ground, every step I took felt like I still had a mile to go before reaching the bed… agony. I took deep breathes trying calm myself as the pain was too much to take. I could feel my heart beating faster; once again my eyes felt heavier, my stomach felt like it just dropped. My mind went blank; I heard the dump as I hit the floor before I blacked out.

A breathing mask on my face, an IV stuck deep within my arm. A blanket covering my body keeping me warm. I am on my back staring at the endless white ceiling above me. I have no recall of what has happened to me. Clueless. Yet I have a paper band wrapped around my wrist. I look down at my wrist and try focusing on the small black letters written on it. Saint Teresa’s Medical Center. Why am I in a hospital? Where is this place located? I look over to the side of the room and notice the door closed. The curtains that look out are closed keeping the warm sun light out. I have to get out of here… somehow I will find a way.

I bring my free arm around my chest toward the wrist of my left arm. I place two fingers firmly on the IV cord that runs deep under my skin delivering fluids of some sort. I grind my teeth against each other as I begin to pull the IV out. Finally. I toss the stupid cord to the side of the bed. I walk toward the restroom that is inside my room, I walk without any problems at all. My feet feel cold against the floor; I lean against the wall just in case as I take my first step into the restroom. I flip on the light switches and turn toward the mirror, I see an unfamiliar face. A face that I have never seen before in my life. The figure in the mirror raises its arms up placing its hands against its face. I feel cold hands touch my cheeks. Everything I do, the figure repeats it exactly when I do.
Only one thought comes to mind, who is this figure? Am I the person in the mirror? How did I get here, what happened to me to end up in a hospital? And most importantly who am I?

I like this piece. The atmosphere and the words and expressions you use flow quite nicely. First of all, there are a few things I would point out:

I can see where you're coming from with the change of tense in the first paragraph, but at the same time it's a little bit confusing to the reader. Maybe you could change the first few lines, like this?

My body starts to shake violently, my vision becoming blurred. My tongue starts to move erratically around in my mouth like a wild horse. I'm not in control. My body takes over as I lie helplessly on the tile. I black out.

I wake to the sound of footsteps rushing toward me. A few gentlemen and ladies dressed in white all huddle around me.

I've put the only words/parts I've edited in bold. I also think that it would be more effective if you ended "I black out" with a full stop and then begin a new paragraph for the next few times. My reasoning for this is that it's a change of time and new things are happening;and it gives the reader a sense of a pause between him blacking out and waking up. The ellipses don't really work quite as well in my opinion because the reader barely notices them.

I close my eye and begin to say a small prayer.

I close my eyes and begin to say a small prayer.

They all have surgical mask on including a visor I’m guessing to keep the blood out of their eyes.

I'd change this sentence. I think it would sound better if you put: They all have surgical masks on, including a visor; I'm guessing it's to keep the blood out of their eyes. It just doesn't sound quite right as it is.

The shorter looking gentlemen in white moved his finger up, down, left, and right before moving away from me. “Thank you for cooperating, now if you would please stand and walk toward the bed.” I stumbled as my feet met the ground, every step I took felt like I still had a mile to go before reaching the bed… agony. I took deep breathes trying calm myself as the pain was too much to take. I could feel my heart beating faster; once again my eyes felt heavier, my stomach felt like it just dropped. My mind went blank; I heard the dump as I hit the floor before I blacked out.

Change of tense again!

As I said can be very confusing, try to change it so that it all fits together with the rest of the piece (also corrected a few spelling errors in here:

The shorter gentleman in white moves his finger up, down, left and right before moving away from me. "Thank you for co-operating, now if you would please stand and walk towards the bed." I stumble as my feet meet the ground, and every step I take it feels as if I still have a mile to go before reaching the bed...agony. I take deep breaths trying to calm myself as the pain is too much to take. I can feel my heart beating faster; once again my eyes feel heavier, my stomach as if it has just dropped. My mind goes blank; I hear the thump as I hit the floor before I black out.

You've written this mostly in a sort of present tense but on two of the paragraphs you suddenly changed right back to past tense. Again I can see your reasoning for this, but I think it's better and less confusing for the reader if you keep it all mainly in one tense.

With the exception of that, I really love this piece of writing. I think it's amazing and very effective; keep writing. I would definitely like to read this again if you edited out the current errors.