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Bittersweet



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Points: 1764
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Sun Oct 09, 2011 3:18 am
amygabb says...



Bittersweet


He recognized her distinctive accent, Irish, that had really never gone away even though her family had left Ireland when she was just a child. It had been twelve years since Mr. Dupond had seen Shannon. Back then, things were simpler. Shannon was preparing to go to university in the fall. Mr. Dupond still taught the subject he loved, along with teachers he had befriended, at a school where none of his students threatened to kill each other and meant it.
Shannon had planned just to order a latte, go home, and clean up from her twins’ spontaneous demonstration of finger-painting.
Mr. Dupond had been sitting with a danish and a good book, in one of the tall stools at the counter of the cafe.
He looked up from his novel, wondering if he should say anything. Shannon noticed him staring and had an instant flash of recognition. Her face broke into a smile. Collecting her latte, she strolled over.
“Shannon?”
“It’s been too long, Mr. Dupond.”
“Oh, please. Call me Luc.”
“Alright. It seems so strange.” Shannon settles in a stool beside him.
He smiles. “I feel that I have stayed exactly the same as the day you graduated and you have changed so much. Look at you,” he muses.
Shannon disagrees. There is an abundance of new wrinkles on his face to match the crow’s feet beginning to appear on hers. She notes that his hair is beginning to grey. He seems smaller than she remembers.
“Are you still teaching?” she asks.
“Yes, over at Harnom on the South side. Ironically, I teach English.”
“Wow. That must take some adjusting to.”
“I moved there with high hopes of rebooting their French program, but there wasn’t enough interest.”
She nods understandingly, “The thought of learning a whole new language is very scary for most people. I wasn’t even going to take French but my parents forced me into one semester.”
“You never told me that, Shannon. You were my most inspirational student. You worked so hard to do well. I’ve wished all my students were like that.”
Shannon smiles self-consciously. “Honestly, the first year, I just wanted to maintain my 90 average. I planned to drop the class the next year.”
Luc chuckles. “Though you stuck it out in my French class for all four years. Not many students with no background in French give up the elective or a spare. So what did you do after high school?” he questions eagerly.
“Well, I was three years into my law degree when I met my husband,” she flashes her gold band, a diamond tucked discretely into the ring. “Then, things got crazy, we got married and bought a house. I got pregnant, so I took the year off from school. I have twins,” she pulls out a picture from her wallet of two girls, identical. Luc notices they share their mother’s emerald green eyes and strawberry blonde hair.
“They’re beautiful.”
“Thank you. I have a son, too. A couple years younger than the girls.”
“Congratulations. Did you ever complete your degree?”
Shannon sips her latte. She shakes her head. “I haven’t had the time.”
“Did you go to France? Or Quebec, like you wanted to? Use some of your French?”
She sighs, “Never had the money when I was in university. And I’d have to take my children if I went now. They’d be heartbroken if I didn’t.”
Luc Depond doesn’t reply. He thinks it’s a shame. He realizes that they now have nothing in common but the past. They shift uncomfortably in their seats, no longer the people they were twelve years ago.
Life is not about how you sing in the sun, it is about how you dance in the rain.
  





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Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:29 am
Niebla says...



Well done with this; I really, really like it. I love the phrases you used and the atmosphere they created, but most of all I love the dialogue: it flows really well and is really realistic.

I also love your description and the fact that it is mostly short but effective, and the entire mood/meaning of the story.

I'd try to suggest improvements but honestly scanning through your story I can't really see any errors. So my suggestion is to keep writing, and maybe try something longer!
  





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Mon Oct 10, 2011 3:01 pm
sargsauce says...



she strolled over.

Shannon settles in a stool beside him.

Right between those, you switched tenses. Watch out for that. Either make everything before that present or everything after that past tense.

It's well written, but rather dull. We sit through a bunch of niceties, how do you dos, and I'm fine how are yous which don't tell us much more than
1) he is normal
2) she was smart, has kids, and has dreams deferred.

And then, just when you introduce a conflict (they know nothing about each other and are treading water in the past), you end the story. Why? Something could have happened there. You gave us exposition and then ended the story as soon as the inciting incident happened. Are you going to continue this? Or do you think that's the end of the story and you have them part ways and everything is normal again?

Normal is boring. Nothing happens in normal. No one learns anything and nothing is changed. What you have here is a platform for a story, but not a story itself.
You have a "Hey, yesterday I saw my old teacher." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, he's doing well." "So what do you want to do today?" Just a passing, colorless, dead-end anecdote.

From your platform, he could invite her to dinner, they could learn something deeper, what?

But please make a story something more than
"Hello, how are you?"
"I am fine, and you?"
"Good. I have kids now and will wait out my life here."
The end.
  








I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
— Dr. Seuss