Young Writers Society

Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda. But didn’t.
Could haves, should haves, and would haves and the opposite.

It’s getting cold, he thought.
His lips ran dry as the cold breeze blew over the hill. He was sitting very still on the bench under the old cedar tree.
His eyes were fixed on the reddish horizon, watching those lazy grey clouds hover around the magnificent star.

That bench was the one his father made when he was on his grade school.
He could still remember his joy when his father let him help with the hammer and nails.
He was once a little carpenter.

"To where you are, I always wanted to go,” he thought to himself. “I really miss you, Dad.”

His eyes grew tired holding back the tears. Like crystal drops, they started to fall at last.
Tear after tears; it flowed down his cheeks like morning dews in a summer spring.
Some of it took turns and wet those chapped lips.
He had a pair of crimson lips.

Those tears had caused the young man’s face grew lighter and lighter.
And there was indeed a fine-looking lad.
It was magical.
Like a lonely field that had been drought for years, a generous rain finally came and had ended it.
It was such a moment of his life.

Yesterday, the physician told him that the stage of the cancer went up.Those bad cells have dominated his whole body. It would not have happened if he listened to his friend’s advice to take medication several months ago:

“Are you okay Paolo?” he asked.
“I kind of feel sick, and I don’t know why”, he answered.
“Would you like me to take you to my clinic so that we could check?” said Jose.

They drove back to the city and went to Jose’s clinic. The physician made some physical tests to examine his friend’s
health. He waited days to see the results and could not believe when he found out that his friend had the killer disease.
To make sure of the results, Jose took several advices from some of the experts in town.
A hopeful friend he was.
But it did not have gone that far.

Epilogue

The chap was in pain.
That young man on a still bench was dying.
He was on his sunset.

The physician could have exhausted all of his knowledge and efforts to cure his friend.
His life should have been prolonged and restored.
It would have had happened if he chose to fight a little more.

He could have had.
He should have had.
He would have had.
But he didn’t.

We could not know why.
We could only believe what his friend said on that day of the funeral:

“Indeed, the gentleman had no regrets after all.”

So umm....what? Not sure how to take this story. "The killer disease?" "The bad cells dominated his whole body?" "He did some physical tests to examine his health?" Events happen like whiz-bang-pop, one thing to the next at light-speed.

Slow it down. Talk to us. Don't just run along at a sprint. That's about all I can say about this.

And the story opens with "I feel kind of sick" "Should we go to the hospital?" "You have the killer disease"? You're just dumping us in there headfirst.

And is it supposed to be humorous? "The killer disease" and "the bad cells" don't really beg to be taken seriously. Try being one step more technical, at least.

Also this:

his friend has the killer disease

Present tense among past tense.

Hello there!

The first thing I noticed about this story was the way that all of your sentences blended together, but not in a good way. The reason for this is because they're all the same type of sentence. Let me explain by writing a few sentences of my own and combining them.

The man went to the store. He jogged because he had too much energy. The wind was at his back. He soon reached his destination.

Okay, now let me show you how to fix this.

Jogging because he had too much energy, the man went to the store. With the wind blowing at his back, he soon reached his destination.

See how much easier to read the second example is? My advice to you would be to combine your sentences in different ways, adding variety to your paragraphs. Focusing on sentence structure will make your writing much better.

They drove back to the city and went to Jose’s clinic. The physician made some physical tests to examine his friend’s health. He waited days to see the results and couldn’t believe when he found out that his friend has the killer disease. Joe took several advices from some of the experts to make sure of the results.

You need to watch your verb tenses. In the third sentence, you wrote that the physician "couldn't believe when he found out that his friend has the killer disease." The verb 'has' should be changed to 'had'.

If you apply these changes to this piece, I believe that it will be much better. Always keep writing!

-Rose

Hello!

This is really good--only a few minor mistakes:

[“Are you okay Paolo?” he said.] --- I think it'll sound better if you used: 'he asked.' Maybe put some emotion on how he's saying it too.

[“I kind of feel sick, and I don’t know why”, he answered.] -- Don't forget to put a period or comma at the end of the sentence. It seems you put it AFTER the quote--maybe you misplaced the comma there?

[The poor physician was hopeful.] --- so we're putting pity on the physician? I thought it was Paolo we were worried about?

[They drove back to the city and went to Jose’s clinic. The physician made some physical tests to examine his friend’s health. He waited days to see the results and couldn’t believe when he found out that his friend has the killer disease. Joe took several advices from some of the experts to make sure of the results.] --- This paragraph seems a bit rushed. I think you should extend it more and put a little more detail. It would sound MUCH better.

[Seven months later...

“It’s getting cold”, he thought.] --- Who's HE? Several months have passed but who're you referring to?

[His lips ran dry as the cold breeze blew over the hill. He was sitting very still on the bench under the old cedar tree. ] --Lovely. I like how that sounds.


[That bench was the one his father made when he was on his grade school.

He could still remember his joy when his father let him help with the hammer and nails.

He was once a little carpenter.] --- perhaps put that altogether. Although format doesn't matter--but if you read these out loud, it sounds a bit robotic, if you know what i mean.

Overall this is pretty good! Good job, and I can't wait to hear more! LOVELY.

Hi, Jemo. I'm here, as requested. I'll try to make a descent review for you here. xD

iamjemo wrote:“It’s getting cold”, he thought.

Instead of quotes, I think this should be written in italics. Most of the time thoughts are written like that, in order to avoid confusion. Like this: It's getting cold, he thought.

iamjemo wrote:Yesterday, the physician told him that the stage of the killer disease went up.

Maybe I missed something while reading xD but what is that 'killer disease', being exact?

That's pretty much all. xD Your writting is good. And your descriptions are beautiful. Keep writing!

~Gee<3

I don't know why the spacing turned out like that, But anyways, I appreciate all your reviews! thanks.