Young Writers Society

this is my short story
hope u like it.

May I suggest you just copy and paste your story on to here?

As you have joined today, you may be considered untrustworthy and people will hesitate to download the file. I'll review it once you post it here.

i could...here it is...

Chapter One

It was late after-noon and Jess’s mom was giving me a ride home from school when all of a sudden an ear-piercing sound came from my head leading me to scream. Jamie’s mom slammed on her brakes.
“My god Natalie you almost caused me to get an accident. What’s wrong with you.” She turned in her seat to face me. My pained expression told her everything.
“Don’t…worry…Jess…I’m ok.” I gasped. I could feel my body rack with pain. I felt her hand on my back cresting it giving me her strength and warmth. Jess is emotionalist. She has the ability to feel what other people, and control it. Bring it down. It comes in handy from time to time. The power that I have is uncertain, But I keep having theses out-burst of pain every once and a while, so it must be big. My mother use to tell me to let it come, to control it but over the past few years it became greater.
Jess and her mom carried me into their home and sat me gently on the sofa.
“Do I need to bet you some water or something?” I nodded. Jess’s mom can to sat by me while Jess went to get me a glass of water. A few seconds later she came back.
“ Thanks Jess.” I took a couple of swallows and sat it on the coffee table.
“What happened back there Natal?” she asked. I shrugged.
“I don’t know Jess. This been going on since the time I met you. But ever since that time it’s become greater.” I took another sip over water. Jess was like a sister to me. We had everything in common. From books to music. Although, school was a different story. Jess was a cheerleader and I, I was varsity. Alpha kappa Beta. The fact that I was in varsity and she was a cheerleader never changed that we were friends. Best friends. I mean sometimes we would get on each others nerves, or fight sometimes but like our ancestors would say: FORGIVE AND FORGET!!!.
Around eight o’ clock it was time to go home.
Hey, mom? Jess turned around on the couch and faced her mom. Her mom was checking her email on her laptop.
“ Yes hon?”
“Can Natal spend the night?”
“Well she’ll have to ask her mom” she turned to face Jess.
“Can I call and ask?” I walked over to the phone.
“um… yea go ahead.” She said. I dialed my mom’s number.
“Hello, mom. Is it alright if I can spend the night over Jess’s house?” I twirled the phone cord between my fingers.
“ Sure. Go ahead, looks like were going to get some bad weather tonight.”
“Thanks mom” I hanged up the phone.
“What did she say?” Jess came over to stand by me. Half an hour a go, the day was calm as the sea. Now it was raining like bullets. The sky was darkening already.
“My mom said that we were expecting sever weather, so I can stay.” I looked out the window. My reflection showed a disturbed look. Jess’s mom went in the kitchen to cook dinner. Jess and me sat down in front of the TV, watching the Twilight Saga-Eclipse. Just as we was getting to the good part of the movie, the lights went out. The only sounds we heard was the lashing sound of beating against the walls of the house. The sounds of rain pouring like hammering to a nail. Luckily, her mom had a fireplace.
I turned to Jess, “looks like we have to thrown into your dungeon.” She tuned to look at me. The expression she gave was “wrong”. I got up and walked towards the basement. As we walked down the stairs, Jess came with a flashlight. The basement made my skin crawl. The cobwebs gave the basement an eerie feeling, like something going to jump out and scare hell out of you.
I swallowed a lump in my throat, ”Um… Jess can we go now?” I clutched her arm, to stop from shuddering.
“Just have to look for the wood then were gone.” As she was looking around I felt this searing pain from my chest. I gasped, clutching my chest.
“Natal! What’s wrong?” she put her hand on my chest and the pain ceased. Every breath I took the pained lessoned.
“Thanks Jess.” I lie down on the couch, and fall asleep.




this is chapter 1 let me know how u like it...

Hi there, adlofton. I'm Solly and I'm going to review for you today.

I think your story is pretty simple. I like it. It seems real and it's pretty entertainment. Though you should check out your punctuation when you re-read what you wrote. But you did a great job. ^_^

Nitpicks:

Red = Change
Blue = Add

adlofton wrote:It was late after-noon and Jess’s mom was giving me a ride home from school, when all of a sudden an ear-piercing sound came from my head leading me to scream.

Okay. Since Jess ends with an s, you should say: "It was late after-noon and Jess' mom..."

This is a great way to start a story, by the way.

adlofton wrote:“My god! Natalie, you almost caused me to get an accident. What’s wrong with you?”

The last period should be a question mark.

adlofton wrote:“Don’t…worry…Jess…I’m okay.” I gasped.

I don't think all the eclipses are necessary. It kind of distracts. Saying gasped is just fine.

adlofton wrote:My mother use to tell me to let it come, to control it. But over the past few years, it became greater.

I would separate the sentences in order to make it easier for the reader to focus.

adlofton wrote:“What happened back there, Natal?” she asked. I shrugged.

Add comma.

adlofton wrote: I mean sometimes we would get on each others nerves, or fight sometimes but like our ancestors would say: FORGIVE AND FORGET!!!

You don't have to use caps. It's rather unnecessary.

adlofton wrote:Around eight o’ clock, it was time to go home.

Add comma

adlofton wrote:“Well, she’ll have to ask her mom.” She turned to face Jess.

Add point and sentences always start with upper case.

adlofton wrote:“Um… yeah, go ahead,” She said.

adlofton wrote:“ Sure. Go ahead, looks like we're going to get some bad weather tonight.”

adlofton wrote:“Thanks mom.” I hanged up the phone.

adlofton wrote:I swallowed a lump in my throat, ”Um… Jess, can we go now?” I clutched her arm, to stop from shuddering.

adlofton wrote:“Just have to look for the wood then were gone.” As she was looking around, I felt this searing pain from my chest.

And that was pretty much it! Keep Writing!

~G <3

thank for the editing i really needed it. I'm glad you like it. ill be posting some more on the story. i could...here it is...







Chapter One

It was late after-noon and Jess%u2019s mom was giving me a ride home from school when all of a sudden an ear-piercing sound came from my head leading me to scream. Jamie%u2019s mom slammed on her brakes.
%u201CMy god Natalie you almost caused me to get an accident. What%u2019s wrong with you.%u201D She turned in her seat to face me. My pained expression told her everything.
%u201CDon%u2019t%u2026worry%u2026Jess%u2026I%u2019m ok.%u201D I gasped. I could feel my body rack with pain. I felt her hand on my back cresting it giving me her strength and warmth. Jess is emotionalist. She has the ability to feel what other people, and control it. Bring it down. It comes in handy from time to time. The power that I have is uncertain, But I keep having theses out-burst of pain every once and a while, so it must be big. My mother use to tell me to let it come, to control it but over the past few years it became greater.
Jess and her mom carried me into their home and sat me gently on the sofa.
%u201CDo I need to bet you some water or something?%u201D I nodded. Jess%u2019s mom can to sat by me while Jess went to get me a glass of water. A few seconds later she came back.
%u201C Thanks Jess.%u201D I took a couple of swallows and sat it on the coffee table.
%u201CWhat happened back there Natal?%u201D she asked. I shrugged.
%u201CI don%u2019t know Jess. This been going on since the time I met you. But ever since that time it%u2019s become greater.%u201D I took another sip over water. Jess was like a sister to me. We had everything in common. From books to music. Although, school was a different story. Jess was a cheerleader and I, I was varsity. Alpha kappa Beta. The fact that I was in varsity and she was a cheerleader never changed that we were friends. Best friends. I mean sometimes we would get on each others nerves, or fight sometimes but like our ancestors would say: FORGIVE AND FORGET!!!.
Around eight o%u2019 clock it was time to go home.
Hey, mom? Jess turned around on the couch and faced her mom. Her mom was checking her email on her laptop.
%u201C Yes hon?%u201D
%u201CCan Natal spend the night?%u201D
%u201CWell she%u2019ll have to ask her mom%u201D she turned to face Jess.
%u201CCan I call and ask?%u201D I walked over to the phone.
%u201Cum%u2026 yea go ahead.%u201D She said. I dialed my mom%u2019s number.
%u201CHello, mom. Is it alright if I can spend the night over Jess%u2019s house?%u201D I twirled the phone cord between my fingers.
%u201C Sure. Go ahead, looks like were going to get some bad weather tonight.%u201D
%u201CThanks mom%u201D I hanged up the phone.
%u201CWhat did she say?%u201D Jess came over to stand by me. Half an hour a go, the day was calm as the sea. Now it was raining like bullets. The sky was darkening already.
%u201CMy mom said that we were expecting sever weather, so I can stay.%u201D I looked out the window. My reflection showed a disturbed look. Jess%u2019s mom went in the kitchen to cook dinner. Jess and me sat down in front of the TV, watching the Twilight Saga-Eclipse. Just as we was getting to the good part of the movie, the lights went out. The only sounds we heard was the lashing sound of beating against the walls of the house. The sounds of rain pouring like hammering to a nail. Luckily, her mom had a fireplace.
I turned to Jess, %u201Clooks like we have to thrown into your dungeon.%u201D She tuned to look at me. The expression she gave was %u201Cwrong%u201D. I got up and walked towards the basement. As we walked down the stairs, Jess came with a flashlight. The basement made my skin crawl. The cobwebs gave the basement an eerie feeling, like something going to jump out and scare hell out of you.
I swallowed a lump in my throat, %u201DUm%u2026 Jess can we go now?%u201D I clutched her arm, to stop from shuddering.
%u201CJust have to look for the wood then were gone.%u201D As she was looking around I felt this searing pain from my chest. I gasped, clutching my chest.
%u201CNatal! What%u2019s wrong?%u201D she put her hand on my chest and the pain ceased. Every breath I took the pained lessoned.
%u201CThanks Jess.%u201D I lie down on the couch, and fall asleep.




this is chapter 1 let me know how u like it...