Young Writers Society

[DELETED]

This is really interesting. I don't usually read these sort of things and I can't say I found it amazing but it was good and I did enjoy it, so well done for that. I love how they stutter and pause when they spoke and the whole plot is very good. I love the beginning and it sort of drifts off for a moment, then comes back in the middle which I really love. Keep writing, you have good potential, so well done.

Man, I've forgotten what the stars look like. It's a thought that occurred to me. Clouds galore hide them from sight: nonetheless, I digress.

I enjoyed it. There was this charm about the narrator that I immediately felt invested. Great potential, I eagerly await for the next installment. Now, there were minor details here and there that I would like to bring to light.

So liquid was his voice, acquiescent and thick, when he finally broke the silence, but not broke it, no, an impossible crescendo between a rest and a whole note.

So liquid was his voice, it became acquiescent and thick. When he finally broke the silence, but it wasn't -broken. No, not broken rather more an impossible crescendo as a transition between a rest and a whole note.

I'm particular so don't mind me. It's focused on style as you can see. While there are many instances in which you pull off these sentences that seem run-on, I would like to see a more precise sentence structure besides the dialogue. A touch of variety for our narrator's repertoire.

Speaking of dialogue, I've noted it is rather curt; something of which I truly did appreciate.

normally romance keeps me on the edge, but this was amazing.
seriously, people on yws are AMAZING writers.
i love the way you described each little cute events.

Just the face of the storm."

But no callousness, all feeling

Liquid gold in the eyes of a man.

i'm not all that superb in reviewing, so please forgive my ignorance. these lines seem incomplete to me.

anyhows, the things i noticed could simply be because i'm not used to reading these type of lines. regardless, this was a splendid piece of work and i'm really glad it got featured!!

I'll review this eventually.

Oh My Freaking God! How could you end it like that? I need more! Soon. Please P.M. me if you decide to continue it.

P.S. Ummm... sorry for the fact that this was not a proper review but its all I can think of right now.

-Always Writer

yes, PM me when you have the rest, please?

I really feel for Jamie, being the rebound girl, just filling in until the real true love comes along, even though you really love the person. I can't wait for more!

I really did like this. It was a tad too short. You needed to give your audience some closure for sure. You had a lot of big words put together in small sentences that took away from the great simplicity one sentence can bring. Your story had a good meaning, I got a visual and could picture both him and her lying under the stars. I would have liked their names, and why this girl left, and why he chose her over the one who stayed with him? I want you to continue this. It's good.

Hey kid!

I like the first part of this story, but the first part and the second part seemed oddly detached from each other. She is pretty... emotionless about his admittance that he found her, whoever she is. There is no physical reaction from her or any concern or worry or jealousy, or anything else, really, that would be expected of her. Instead, the only reactions really come from him. And it's pretty odd. So... basically, I think it might be better to describe a little about what is going on with her. Why doesn't she seem to care at all? Right now, it's too vague, and the vagueness is killing the rest of the story.

This was... lovely. Just lovely. The ending was extremely heartbreaking, and the build to it was wonderful and really well done!

Favorite line: "His lips were slightly parted, the way one might part their lips in the rain, hoping to taste the sky's sweetness. But instead I saw the stars, exactly the same as in our perceptions, infinitesimal sparkles, alighting on his lips, so perfect, remaining there like glistening drops on the outside of a glass. "

Amazing imagery. I love your use of simile and metaphor. Though, to be honest, I think there might have been a bit too much use of similes/metaphors in this piece. Almost every other paragraph was comparing something to another something. Or... Yeah, you know what I mean, right? lol

Not that they weren't excellent similes or metaphors! They were each honestly lovely! Just be careful of overuse, yeah? Sometimes, the best effect strikes the reader in utter simplicity. (Which I must admit came in the very last line. That, I must say, was epic.)

Uhmm... That's it! Looking forward to more stuff from youu!(:

xo gummies

Wow...this was so good! I really think you should finish this, and if you do please let me know! I loved it. I'm usually not that big on romance because they are often cliche and whatnot, but I this one I really enjoyed. Your descriptions are amazing. The way you describe things are so clear and understandable. Sometimes people use metaphors and I'm like... uhh what?? But I found yours to be very effective.
I also thought that you did a really great job describing the characters and making them seem real, especially in such a short piece. I was already becoming attached to them. At the end I could feel sympathy for Jaime and the pain she must have been feeling. Lovely work.
Overall amazing piece. I hope you finish it!

Hey,

I'm not sure what to think of this. This writing is great as usual, though I do have a couple examples where they were less then your usual talent; the characters were distinct, despite gender confusion (that I still have); the plot seemed interesting; I think it was the timing that I found fault.

When you start a novel, you can throw your readers wherever you want, the breakfast before the MC gets married, the funeral of the MC or even the attempted suicide of the MC. (Did you see what I did there? I feel clever.) Same goes with a short story. But what you must do is explain why sooner or later. You didn't. You threw the readers into this whimsical little scene where this character Jamie finds out that his/her (more on that later) boyfriend is leaving him/her for some girl that he always loved. It's cute, slightly cliche but you keep me interested and then-

you end it. And I get that this is an excerpt and I'm obviously not supposed to figure out everything that's going on but your characters will not get any sympathy unless we find out more. Yeah, so someone gets dumped. Big deal. Millions of people get dumped a week, am I going to care about their sob stories? No.

You have to either give us more or start this or end this at a different spot where it explains things, because after reading this, I felt kind of confused and kind of like I had wasted 10 minutes of my life reading something that doesn't have an apparent point.

I did like this though and I know you could make it great. The thing is, this story as it is, is great. It has almost flawless imagery, great characters, great plot, great everything. But. I expect more from you.

K, so take everything I say with a grain of salt because I haven't reviewed short stories in a while, or well, I haven't reviewed anything in a while.

*

The black of the night glistened, like the ink of a pen only just pressed to paper.

I feel like your first line could be much better. It's good as is, but really, you're going to describe the black of the night, like some crappy teen angst poetry? I hate when people describe the weather as their opening line. Weather is what people use in small talk when they've got nothing else to say. I'm sure you've got much more to say.

His lips were slightly parted, the way one might part their lips in the rain, hoping to taste the sky's sweetness. But instead I saw the stars, exactly the same as in our perceptions, infinitesimal sparkles, alighting on his lips, so perfect, remaining there like glistening drops on the outside of a glass.

What do you mean 'but instead'? Mary wanted a car for her birthday but instead she got a laptop. Adam tried to get the hot girl's number but instead he got her ugly friend's. You see? Your not using it right. His lips were parted, but instead I saw the sky. That sentence doesn't work because the first part of the sentence doesn't compare to the second part. Take out the' but instead' and you'll be fine. Also: I don't like the use of glistening twice.

and, with an oh my God, I'd bitten into him--I felt only warmth, inner warmth, that of intoxication, too much alcohol in the bloodstream, warmth in my heart and head and fingers and toes.

wtf? S/he bites him? Maybe you mean this metaphorically but regardless, that's a really weird phrase. By here, I should know the gender of the MC. I don't know whether you did this purposefully, but I can't put all your imagery to good work in my head if I can't picture my MC. Girl or guy?

So liquid was his voice, acquiescent and thick, when he finally broke the silence, but not broke it, no, an impossible crescendo between a rest and a whole note.

I don't know why but I really don't like this line. It's so...dramatic. Why was his voice liquid? How can a voice be liquid? When I imagine that, I see his spit being ink from a pen and every time he says something he vomits up more ink. It's not a pretty image. acquiescent? I don't like that either. I'm not sure whether you've heard this before, but you tend to thesaurus-rape the readers in a lot of your stories. I'm not saying you don't know the words, I'm saying I don't. Whenever I read something with words I don't know, I feel like I'm read a law textbook and I get fairly nauseous and turn on Jersey Shore. So yeah, stop with the thesaurus-rape. What the heck is an impossible crescendo between a rest and a whole note. I feel like when you're writing, you have all these pretty sounding words that don't work well together, but your so caught up in the writing that you don't realize when your sentences become incoherent. Maybe you did this purposefully though, because your MC is tipsy? Not sure.

"Jamie, there's something I have to tell you."

Right so you tell us the Mc's name, but instead of something that will obviously place the gender like Emily or Brian, you give us Jamie which is unisex. UGHH FRUSTRATION.

What gold pride, gold like bronze and flame, what a glorious color. It seemed to shift before my eyes, bubbles in a vial, some sinking and some floating. Liquid gold in the eyes of a man.

"I... I had to be sure."

So, first the bf is upset and tense and kind of frightened of what Jamie's reaction will be, and now he's this prideful, arrogant sort of lion thing. That's what I think about when I hear gold eyes, lions and Edward Cullen and I mean, this could be a vampire fic, you mentioned biting earlier, but for some reason, I doubt it is. What must he be sure of? Whether or not he loves the MC? I doubt that, because he said he never stopped loving the other girl. Now maybe this is deeper because if Jamie's a dude, then the bf could be all 'I had to be sure I wasn't gay. ' and that's way more interesting then 'I had to be sure I loved her and not you'.


Merrr, even your spoiler is so full of ugh. Why would you post something if you didn't want it critiqued and if wasn't supposed to be taken seriously. You have to finish this now. -_-

Sorry for the harshness, I did like this and I feel it could be a great story.

~Jas