Young Writers Society

Story taken off for personal reasons.

Sorry, I just realized a paragraph was accidentally entered halfway through somehow. Ignore the inconvienience.

I like your intention; the subject matter is delicate and the situation is appropriate.
I like your emotion; the character seems like a lost puppy.
I like the character; for the above reason that you conveyed well.
I like how we know as much about the brother as the narrator does. You get that feeling of unspoken sacrifices and obligation. Though you did present what she knew about him in a rather bland list. Had this been longer, then surely you should find a smoother way to tell us. Or spread it out.

I don't like the word choice.
You often fall back on cliches or empty wording. That is, you give us words that really mean abstract things ("everything's all right" "I'm selfish" "want to be someone higher than myself") instead of concrete things ("painted smirk" "looking at my ugly wide feet" are things I liked). That is, you sometimes use words that don't feel genuine but instead more recycled. I did like, however, when she sits and falls asleep next to the window. That was a nice little thing. I like the voice of the narrator (simple, straightforward, pure), but I don't like her boring word choice ("a shining smile" "[jump out of my skin]" (basically)). It's okay to have simple language--Hemingway made a career and a legend out of it--but don't think that's the same thing as using common phrases.

You've presented only the vague aura of a story. We have a scene, but did you intend to expand it? We don't know anything concrete. What's up with her parents? What's up with the narrator? You've left all of this out. As a short exercise, that's fine. But don't you dare think that's called "making the reader ask questions." Because anyone can make a reader ask questions ("What does this mean?" "Who is this guy?" etc etc), but it's a good author that makes readers ask the important questions that can be left to interpretation ("What did he mean when he said, 'I don't love you'?" "Did she really not recognize her dead sister?").

Another thing:

I think my skin will jump off. When my feet do it instead...

So her feet jumped off? Weird wording.

So anyway! Overall, decent little read. Your pacing and emotion are pretty good. Just work on making your language your own and working out the environment of your story.

First, I'd like to thank you for reviewing. It means so much to me.

Yes, I see how I need to improve on my word choice. I have the hardest of times in that area when I love to write on emotion. Her dad was always supposedly dead to me and her mother was never depicted because she never truly knew what happened to her- in my mind, walking out on the family. Now that you've mentioned this to me, I can see how this is very vague. Yes, I could have expanded on it all, but that was just lazy on my part. I'll try my best the next time with leading to the "important questions." That was weird wording, but once again wrong of me for being lazy about it.

Thank you so much for reviewing and please know you've helped me a lot!

Hey there Hollow!

Welcome to YWS! I hope you have a great time here

As for a review, I'll try and be as helpful as I can.

Sargsauce has already given you a pretty helpful review, so I'll just try to add to the things that he's already said.

Truthfully, I don't think this was that bad. It's just a little hard to comprehend at the moment. Some of the sentences read awkwardly and I noticed a few places where a comma would have helped to correct the flow of the piece. You don't have to click, but Rosey Unicorn's written a great guide to using Commas, here - topic44752.html

I think you'll be able to see what I mean about some of the sentences reading awkwardly if you re-read the piece outloud. I was given this advice when I first joined this site and it really does work. You'll find yourself noticing things about the piece that you don't pick up on when you read in your head.

Here for example -

Of course I know there are much more people who want to be me, but I want to be someone higher than myself also.

It sounds too formal. I think it's the 'also' at the end that makes her sound years older than I picture her to be. Maybe try something along the lines of -

'Of course I know there are many more people who want to be me, but I can't help wanting to be someone who's got it just a bit better than I have.'

It's still conveying the same messgae and the same image, but it just flows a little more how I'd expect a teenager to phrase it. I'm not trying to get you to change the way you write, far from it, but I just want to help you get the piece reading with more ease.

It gives shows to no one but myself, but it may be possible that I am embarrassed from the look of it.

Here, you don't need both 'gives' and 'shows'. Pick one to keep and then ditch the other.

Your character's are okay. The brother seems kind and caring, and your MC comes across as a mature for her age with the way you have her speak/think, but I think the piece needs more to become a story. You need to clue the reader in when it comes to what's going on with her parents. Is her dad ill in hospital and her mum MIA most of the time? That's what I got from the story, but I want to know why. You don't have to add in a huge paragraph explaining the last year of the MC's life, but I think it would be to the reader's benefit if you added in something about why the mum's acting the way she is and why the dad's in hospital. It'll make the reader understand why the MC is the way she is.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex

I liked it. The details you added in were nice, especially about the ice on the frozen food. Added a nice quality to it.
However, the characters you presented were cliche. Absent father, neglectful mother, hardworking and handsome brother, and sad female protagonist. Not saying you should change these things, but introduce them in a way that doesn't make them seem one-dimensional. Think of real people in your life. When you think of people in you life, you don't come up with (as many writers seems to think you do) pictures of them or sounds. You have an overall impression of them.