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Young Writers Society


Fresh Air and Silly Games



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106 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1626
Reviews: 106
Sat Oct 22, 2011 2:37 pm
Funkymomo says...



Spoiler! :
I wrote this as a writing exercise because I haven't written in months and we're about to do short stories in school. GASP!


The smell of trees fills the air. It’s not pine, it’s not maple, just an overall smell of being outside. It’s an inspiring smell, I’m already buzzing with ideas to write a song about. The fresh air really clears my head. Y’know, some people say that the air outside is fresher, and I used to just take it for granted that they were right. Now that I’m older I believe them. I know for a fact that the air is cleaner outside because trees release oxygen and cool the air.

Somehow, knowing makes life less special.

On my rock behind my house, I can think clearer. I can remember all the times where I sat here before, all the questions I had. I thought about my friends, and what we’d do when they came over. I asked God why he made people have to brush their teeth. He never answered me on that one, I used to think he was laughing at me. Now I know. When my friends used to come over we’d play with my dolls and play pretend over and over. I know God has doesn't make people brush their teeth, and that bacteria can destroy them. It was more fun to think about traveling to the Sun or God deciding that teeth were too precious to have around our whole life and that humans outsmarted him and brushed their teeth.

A bird lands on a tree near me and begins singing a song. It reminds me of the reason I’m up here, to finish writing a song for a school contest. In my room, my only inspiration was boyfriends, the internet and my friends. Out here, with my past, present, and questions about my future buzzing around in my head, I can think clearer, I have more ideas.

“ Hannah, come inside, it’s almost dinner!”

I guess I’ll have to write my song out of an open window.
Last edited by Funkymomo on Sat Oct 22, 2011 4:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Light one candle instead of cursing the darkness.
  





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67 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2724
Reviews: 67
Sat Oct 22, 2011 2:57 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



I liked this, a wonderful first person piece.
The description was great, but a lot was about the air. Maybe you coud have described a few more things. This is very effective, mainly beause it's written in a style in which you would talk to someone. You had a couple mistakes that I spotted, the i for one. It was probably a typo, but don't forget to double check spelling. Also:

Now I know, when my friends...
I think that probably be a full stop rather than a comma.

Other than that, this was amazing! Keep it up.

P.s We never do story writing in school! Lucky you. >:(

Happy Writings! DNX :J
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  








Meet me in Montauk.
— Charlie Kaufman