Young Writers Society

There he stood in all his late-teen awkwardness. Sporting skinny jeans, a t-shirt featuring some obscure vintage band, glasses reminiscent of Buddy Holly and a beanie, despite the spring heat, Jamie Coleman Philips took his first cautious steps towards the bar, poised to order a beer with his fake ID.
“Hey,” a young blonde woman said, bumping into him. “Who are you?” She had a faint Swedish accent.
“I-I’m Jamie,” he said, adjusting his glasses further up his nose. “Who are you? How’d you know about this place? I thought this was one of the most subversive spots in Toronto.”
“I’m Ines Eriksson. My uncle told me about the line-up for tonight. I love Helsinki Press Conference.”
“Yea, though they’re a little mainstream now, being the main act and all. I’m here to see Geothermal Activity mostly.” Jamie was scratching behind his ear now. He hadn’t expected anyone to talk to him at this concert.
“Would you stop fidgeting already, Jamie?” Ines sighed. “The more you twitch like that, the sooner you’ll get caught busted for using that fake ID.”
“How did you kno-”
“Just shut up and watch me,” she retorted, flouncing up to the bar. A minute later, she returned to where he was standing, clutching two beers. “What say you we find ourselves a spot near the front? The show starts soon.”
Jamie could only nod. He was beyond flabbergasted. In fact, it would take over six years for him to process Ines Eriksson and how she would impact his life.
“So how old are you?” Ines asked as they pushed their way through the crowd. “And no lying. I want the real deal.”
“Almost 17,” he gulped, taking a sip of the beer. It was awful.
“Cute. I’m turning 19 in a few months.” Ines smiled and Jamie’s knees weakened.
Having finally made their way through the crowd, Jamie and Ines found a place to stand. Ines looked over at him and Jamie recognized this as his cue to say something. He cleared his throat.
“So… ummm… what are you doing here? In Toronto I mean.”
“Well, my uncle’s in this band from Sweden. They’re doing a few North America right now, and they let me come along. Anyways, you probably haven’t heard of his band. Their fanbase is pretty small here.”
Jamie smirked. If there was one thing he knew, it was underground foreign bands. “Try me.”
“Ever heard of Peter, Bjorn and John?”
Jamie rolled his eyes. “Of course I have.”
“Well, my uncle is John Eriksson.”
“You’re kidding.” Jamie shook his head.
“Can’t say I am,” Ines answered, shrugging her hair behind her shoulder. “But honestly, I’m a pretty boring person. What about you?”
“What about me?”
“You tell me!” Ines cocked her head to one side. “Who are you?” she said, slowly and deliberately. “What do you want to be? What do you do right now?”
Jamie suddenly felt the inexplicable need to be brutally honest with Ines Eriksson. He knew that even if he left no impression on her, he would have gotten it all off his chest and he would never have to see her again.
He took a deep breath and began.
“I’m Jamie Coleman Philips and I’m about to enter grade 12 at Harbord Collegiate. My parents divorced when I was seven and I live with my dad, who I’ve barely spoken to in almost three years. I’d like to call myself the indie darling of my school, who is admired by many yet acknowledges few, but that’d be a total lie. I’m actually just a writer for the school paper. I make minimum wage working a part-time job at a café at Bathurst and Bloor. Since I already write for the paper, a lot of people think I should go into journalism, but I actually aspire to be a screenwriter for indie films. I haven’t had a friend over since the eighth grade and I haven’t had a girlfriend since last summer when my father dragged me to the Dominican. And that only lasted three weeks. In short, if you have any sort of good reputation, you probably don’t want to be seen with me.”
At this, Ines laughed, and to Jamie, it was like angels were singing. Nonetheless, he was hurt and said so.
“It wasn’t what you said, Jamie, dear. It was how you said it. Your honesty is refreshing. Ooh, shh! Geothermal Activity’s starting their set!”
And indeed they were. Once the music started, Jamie took out a notebook and began writing.
“What are you doing, Jamie?” Ines asked, peeking over at his scrawlings.
“Just drawing inspiration.”
“What for?”
Jamie waved his arm. “You know, stuff. Films and stories mostly. I make films in my head sometimes.”
“Oh. I think I understand,” Ines replied. “Can I ask you a question, Jamie?”
“Mmhmm, shoot,” he muttered, not bothering to look up from his notes.
“What kind of films do you write? Is there a genre you stick to?”
“I dunno. I haven’t actually ever…” he looked up at Ines and blushed. “I haven’t ever actually completed one of my screenplays.”
Ines shrugged and leaned closer to Jamie. “I don’t care. We all start somewhere, right?”
“Guess so,” Jamie murmured and chuckled. Geothermal Activity had just completed their set and Helsinki Press Conference was taking the stage. Time was passing quickly.
Helsinki Press Conference was playing “Small Town Strip Mall”, arguably their most well-known song, meaning that out of every 200 people, one would know the song. In Jamie’s eyes, it was certainly their most mainstream sounding tune. The lyrics were catchy, and when he looked over at Ines, he could see her lip-syncing. All around him, everyone was starting to stand up, and, as corny and overdone as it was, many began singing. Ines looked over at Jamie, shrugged and joined in. Not wanting to disappoint her, so did he. Ines pulled Jamie’s hand around her waist and slid her own around his, without missing a single beat. She wasn’t a bad singer, Jamie noticed. Without even knowing what he was doing, he pulled her closer.
“And in the light of that small town strip mall,
I saw your bright face, and I knew it all,
In your eyes, all I saw was endless pain,
And I’d do anything to not make you feel that again.”
Jamie knew how common this kind of song was, but standing there with Ines, swaying a little, the song felt special. Vibrant. Alive.
Without knowing where it came from, a sudden surge of courage hit him square in the chest. He looked at Ines, and pulled her face close to his. Jamie Coleman Philips then closed his eyes, leaned down and…
… Ines’ cell phone rang.
“I have to take this,” she giggled, putting the phone to her ear.
After a brief exchange in what Jamie was sure was Swedish, Ines put her phone back in her pocket.
“That was my friend. I have to go, Jamie,” she said, smiling sadly.
“Oh,” was all poor Jamie could muster as a response. He was crushed.
Before he had time to react, Ines had pulled his face to hers and kissed him hard on the lips. It was short, slightly brusque, and after only a second or two, she pulled away and ran out of the bar, saying,
“Nice meeting you, Jamie Coleman Philips. Maybe we’ll meet again someday. Good luck with the screenplays!”
And then she was gone.
Jamie never saw Ines again. When they met years later, he would hardly recognize her. But after that chance encounter, he was never without inspiration or an incomplete script. And, when, six years later, Hollywood came knocking at his door, he secretly dropped his aloof façade and gave a silent thanks to Ines Eriksson and the most mainstream of Helsinki Press Conference’s repertoire.

The chemistry between your characters is refreshing, and their dialogue and interactions were nice. However, the lack of information on the setting and this story just being too perfect, gift wrapped and sent with a bow, struck me as weaknesses.

Your prose flows smoothly, and their was no glaring errors or repetition, and I commend you on that. I think you have talent as a writer. That said, the singular focus of this piece was a major detraction. While the interactions between your characters as well done, and the main focus is, rightfully so, on their relationship, we need context. We need environment and we need atmosphere. Your characters are in a bar, where they see a concert. Presumably it is loud in there. You probably can smell the alcohol and sweat, as bodies push up closer to the stage. The music is probably blasting from the speakers, characters would have to get close together to even hear each other. Your piece will be improved ten-fold if you detail the setting like this. It adds emotion and atmosphere.

Let's talk about perfection. In short, it's annoying. Like here:

At this, Ines laughed, and to Jamie, it was like angels were singing.

No lies, this kind of made me want to puke. I understand the idea of being enchanted, and being enchanted with someone is just fine with me. However, this line is pure corn. It's too over the top and relies to much on old cliches. Plus, Ines is laughing at him. I don't know about you, but no matter how enchanted I am with someone, I will not think there voice sounds like angels when their laughing at me. So, I might change this.

Also, Ines just seems too perfect to me. I know she needs to be perfect to work within your story, and that's fine. But I think she is begging for one or two little imperfections, at the very least. Often by adding those little imperfections, you can make a character more endearing and more lovable. But Ines as a character did not bother me as much as the ending. If your character only had one chance encounter with Ines, I could understand his belief in her perfection. Everyone tends to look perfect at first, until you get to know them better. However, the idea that Jamie met this girl, and forever after all his problems were solved, does not seem in the least bit realistic to me.

People always have struggles, that what makes them people. Perfection is boring. Though I could believe that meeting Ines had got Jamie out of a creativity rut and propelled him forward to produce more and better work, I can not believe that meeting Ines prevented him from never falling into a creativity rut again or directly caused Hollywood to come knocking. She might have been the catalyst that allowed him to start unlocking his potential, but I don't think she was the miracle cure. Creativity ruts happen, no matter how talented the artist. I would blemish the ending up a bit, but a view dents in it. The road to success is full of potholes. To use a corny analogy.

(Also, wouldn't an indie hipster like Jamie, scoff at an offer from mainstream Hollywood? Or was the cheque to big to turn down?)

Just as a final small note, I found your pacing was a bit off during the actual concert. Particularly, during the Geothermal Activity set. That just seemed to go way fast. I might just slow that bit down a little, or at least put a time marker in there that indicates the passage of time.

You characterization is lovely, and the chemistry between your characters is almost tangible. Please feel free to drop me a line on my wall or via PM if you have any comments or questions!

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