Young Writers Society

[DELETED]

Good stuff, I dig how you began and ended with the scarlet hue on her cheeks. I appreciated the touch. It gave it this feeling that it was a cycle. His lies, her glee, his self-loathing then acting out, she doubts then sorrow overwhelms her, and so on. Will there be an end in sight? The question lingers in his mind.

Bro, you're doing it again. I did see some variety, but you've got this habit. I'm tempted to give you a prescription of going on a comma diet to see if you'll be cured: partially in jest, but only partially so.

You see the world in colors, in words that other people find beautiful in the way they roll off the tongue, no, the way they fill the mind, literally spoken or not, yet you don't feel that beauty, do you, the beauty of the world. You see it before you, behold the beauty like a banker would behold gold, but you're unable to take it in your own hands and spend it for yourself. You simply see it, and because that in itself is no joy for you, you live without joy.

Seven commas in the first sentence alone, I love my commas -don't get me wrong- but that's a bit much. Eleven in total for the paragraph, I noticed you didn't set much of standard. At times you would place a comma before and while there where other instances you didn't.

Besides the use of commas, I felt you were getting there -to the point it was excessive with metaphors. We have these motifs: colors, words, the banker's gold, and ultimately God in the very end. The first three metaphors are closely tied to beauty, but it began to overwhelm. I would recommend sticking to two, and developing them further to give them a heavier emphasis.

As usual, I faithfully stand by my minimalistic core: cut down on the commas, break up the heavy nearly run-on sentences into separate fragments, and cling to less metaphors.

Good stuff. Paced and pensive. I can appreciate the truth of the whole thing. But while it was showing that his feelings came full circle and repeated themselves and established a pattern, the piece feels off-balance. You use a short intro to put forth the idea then resolve it...then break...then you use a section over twice as long as before to reset the idea, put it forth again, then resolve it the same way. Yes, we the reader understand the cycle, but was it worth this sort of stuttering plot development? I suppose if we only had the second section, one may think it was just a matter of falling out of love, instead of a seemingly physiological/psychological inability (as the title suggests). Anyway, what I mean to say is that the opening is completely overshadowed by the second part.

Also, yes, the commas. This one was the worst offender to me:

she and I sit in our living room, watching TV.

It stuck out like a terribly sore thumb. Overall, there needs to be a comma reaping.

In the second block of italics, while I appreciate the God metaphor, I think it was expounded upon a sentence or two too many. Too many "how many's" and it became wordy and excessive. You were tactful enough to let us ponder the question of the narrator's personality and to what extent it cripples him. Now, apply that tact to let the reader take the question of "What about God?" and apply it ourselves without 4 levels of "How many" and you spelling every word out for us. One or two would work, but it seems like a diatribe after that.

Anyway. Good stuff. I would love to see a longer piece from you. *follows*

your work has this power, power to attract the reader to read on more.
although i haven't posted much work, i'm much more of an avid reader than writer, so i can clearly distnighush the fact that your writing carries that aura that radiates simplicity and powerfulness at the same time.
i simply love your style of writing ^_^!

Your writing style's like epic and du-uh you know that. And, you know, the story was like sad and stuff, but well, I'd go for a happy lie too, like I always do so.
Okay. I'm annoyed at my writing languge now. Everything was pretty perfect except,
The end seemed disruptive of flow and abrupt, sort of.
But you wrote it too casually,

Then years later, college and marriage and children all in between,

and,

But you're a poor bastard, see

like these sentences.
But, yes, you write well.
And the first two lines off my review ignore it, just trying to tell you your writing seemed that easy going, or maybe that's a good thing, like writing is that natural to you.