“What if evil doesn't really exist? What if evil is something dreamed up by man, and there is nothing to struggle against except out own limitations? The constant battle between our will, our desires, and our choices?” --Libba Bray
Wanna know what's super funny? I am a member of the actual PETA. I cracked up; aka you crackled me up! I loved this so much, especially the ending. The were a few mistakes, but those are easily fixed.
Farewell, -A.
You think you are any different from me,or yourfriends?Or this tree?If you listenhard enough,you canhear every living thingbreathing together.You canfeel everything growing.We are all living togethereven if most folksdon't act like it.We all havethe same roots,and we are allbranches of the sametree.
Well, now that you have this, take your writing and write something that you put a little more heart into. Chances are you'll succeed. One may think that because the whole thing is wild and farfetched that there's nothing to critique, but one is wrong.
1) Your voice is consistent. Even while you ramp up the absurdity, the voice stays more or less constant. You use a kind of affected vocabulary, that's a little grampa-y, and a little movie-fairy-tale-narrator-y. 2) The absurdity was ramped steadily and continuously. Things only got more ridiculous and they did so in an exponential manner. Like 1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128. Instead of 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 8, 10, 128. You know what I mean? First he talked to penguins, okay...then he hot-wired a car, um, okay...then he pistol whipped the guard, what?...then he blew up the car, WHAT?...then they fought the armies of the world, AUGH!! It was always upwards and, once you set the pace, it was appropriate. Have you ever seen the movie Big Fish? This reminded me of the ending where the movie just suddenly sky rockets into craziness.
I would have liked to see a use for the boomerang and swiss army knife, though. Those were mentioned then disappeared and so that was a small failure. Because in fairy tales, all items that characters are provisioned with have a purpose. Like the story about Boney Legs or The House with Chicken Feet or whatever it's called.
The ending of your story, however, fell flat for me. Where you talk about how "complex" and "cool" it is, it begins to feel a little derisive and mocking, and that doesn't exactly fit the tone.
So yes. That's about all the valid commentary one can give. Now let's see something less ridiculous from you!
Gender:
Points: 930
Reviews: 5