Young Writers Society

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word.
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
~Oscar Wilde



An immature got hold of paints. There were colours he never saw and shades he had never seen in his poor, small life. They were right in front of him, all set on the long table. Right there, he just had to grab them

And he did not resist, resist the temptation to tamper with the things he had never been acquainted with, enter into something strange.. new.. dangerous. The desire was much too great. For once here, I could never blame him

And he did. Opened the plastic tubes and held the tray in his hand. Squeezed them brutally, eyes frantic with crazed light. He did not care, He had no idea nor the simple notion. But I saw what he did to those colours. I saw what he did. I saw the colours rising and falling and dying. I saw it all

I crashed on the floor, waves entering my brain.The books the daffodils from my hands fell on the floor. It was as if the vibrations will split my head apart. There was thunder, I was engulfed in lightening. As if someone had connected me to one end of the terminal and I was thrashing as the current leashed its way through me. I never understood what happened. What really happened. Whether he played with colours or it was really me.

Far from his view I had collapsed on the hard floor, flailing and thrashing. I clutched my head and screamed. He never listened. He had gone too far, he was deaf dumb and blind to everything but what he was doing. There was no coming back for him. Not, for me, either

I beckoned him to stop. Screamed at the torture he was putting me in. As his hand flew across the canvas, fresh waves of pain and agony threatened to rip my body apart. If only he coud stop. If only he would leave some colours to breathe. If only he could stop moving. If only he could stop touching them all. Touching me so brutally

I don’t know whether he ever stopped. Whether he ever was done with his freedom and his desire. All I know is it ended with my death, that I died in my own painting room. All I know is I died amidst something soft and yellow

(I will appreciate if you read it here http://r2square.wordpress.com/2011/09/2 ... -he-loves/)

Hi there, just a couple of points:

An immature (immature what?) got hold of paints. There were colours he'd never saw (seen)and shades he had never seen in his poor, small life.This would read better as 'There were colours and shades he had never seen...They were right in front of him, all set on the long table. Right there, he just had to grab them

I crashed on the floor, waves entering my brain.The books, the daffodils from my hands fell on the floor. It was as if the vibrations will (would)split my head apart. There was thunder, I was engulfed in lightening (-e).

Far from his view I had collapsed on the hard floor, flailing and thrashing. I clutched my head and screamed. He never listened. He had gone too far, he was deaf ,dumb and blind to everything but what he was doing. There was no coming back for him. Not, for me, either

I beckoned him to stop. Screamed at the torture he was putting me in (through). As his hand flew across the canvas, fresh waves of pain and agony threatened to rip my body apart. If only he could stop. If only he would leave some colours to breathe. If only he could stop moving. If only he could stop touching them all. Touching me so brutally

Also remember to put full stops at the ends of your paragraphs. Other than that, I found the story intriguing in a way although it was very short-lived. I'm not sure if this is a short story or the beginning to a novel but good job either way.

Becki

Ok well Thanks for the review but I would answer stuff back =)

Immature word was used on purpose. He was not a a painter he was just someone *immature*
And If I don't put He'd I can write the way I wrote.
I am sorry but I did not write it in one line ON PURPOSE because that is my style and I hope you don't dissect it

Will is not a grammatical mistake I am turning on and off from past and present. Anyways I noted it. Thanks. Point taken

In and through? Pardonne moi Mademoiselle

Yes, I shall put the full stops but I like stuff going on like a rant

This is a type of short story that springs like from middle of something. As if just something happens simultaneously and before you know Its a story something just happens.

I did say in the description.. I'll be amazed if you get it.

And Thank you so much. I thoroughly and truly appreciate your review. Don't dissect my work please =)
Love

I'm sorry you feel that way but I wasn't dissecting your work, I was merely pointed out what I and any other reader would find confusing or that did not read well. That's what a review is for, to give constructive criticism as well as praise. And yes,ranting is fine but you still need to use full stops, it's basic English, when you finish a sentence and start a new paragraph you need to put a full stop even if the 'rant' continues. As for the turning from past and present, it is very confusing. You cannot switch partway through a paragraph, you need to clearly define time changes. I realise you say this is how you write and that is up to you, like I said I was just giving you some constructive criticism on how to improve your writing further. It's up to you whether or not you take that on board.

Becki

Thanks but I'd rather continue with my own style, I do understand Simple English, Believe me =P

I do not mean to sound harsh or rude I appreciate it all!!! But I guess it is time we switch from the Orthodox English and introduce new styles. Thanks for the constructive criticism. I like to think outside the box =D =D

Ok, well good luck then.

Becki

This is the sort of piece that sends chills down your spine. "yet each man kills the thing he loves..." this quote has always intrigued me. Yes, sometimes desire and lust makes us blind and insane. Even too much love does that. (Othello). The imagery and the tone was great. Worth a read.

I'm in love with these kind of short stories.. that takes a phase of someone's life and describes it. I would've loved more details.. but that's just me!
Anyways, I truly loved it! Very interesting for me.. definitely the kind of stuff I like to read!

Hello.

I spotted this piece and figured I'd stop by with a review. But before I get into my own comments, I'd just like to comment on some points from previous reviews/comments:

Immature word was used on purpose. He was not a a painter he was just someone *immature*

I believe what Bexy meant, here, was that it's unclear if the person "painting" is a human, ghost, god, other spirit, monster... what have you. You don't have to delete the word "immature" itself— just make it clearer. And while you may have been this vague intentionally, it doesn't work so well for the start of a story. Getting us to ask such a fundamental question in your first two words isn't a good foot to put forward. It might look "artsy" but, in the end, it's just confusing. If you add a second noun to that sentence (immature [blank]) then all questions are cleared.

Will is not a grammatical mistake I am turning on and off from past and present.

While switching between past and present tense can be a good literary tool, it's often done between scenes— not within the same sentence. Bexy pointed out a lot of tense switches mid sentence in your second sentence (again, not the best first impression), and I'd listen. When you switch mid sentence, it looks like an honest mistake instead of something done on purpose. If you want to switch tenses, use a clear scene break to show a difference between past and present. Whether you like it or not, readers tend to mentally switch how they read a sentence that switches between past and present. If you do switch, chances are people consider past tense to have, well, happened before the bits in present tense.

Just to take an example, when I read your second sentence, at first I thought the shades didn't exist because they'd never been seen before, while I thought she colours he "saw" did exist, because he was seeing them in the present.

Thanks but I'd rather continue with my own style, I do understand Simple English, Believe me =P

Sometimes, your own style can make it look like you don't understand simple English. The number of times I was jerked out of the story because of a grammar error that made it very difficult to understand a sentence was frequent. Most often, this was comma usage (either splices or missing commas). Since you know English, I trust you'll be able to read this over (maybe not right away; I'd wait a few weeks or months before doing a heavy proofread) and pick out any spots that flow could be improved. I suggested taking a break from this first to get it out of your short term memory, so you read it fresh.

That said, onto the review. If you did not like my above comments, I'd suggest you stop reading here; I mostly go on to say where you could improve your style to make this piece slightly easier to understand, without making the meaning any less ephemeral and abstract.

For once here, I could never blame him

This viewpoint shift was the first big jerk out of the story. With such a short amount of story, you can't really afford to set up a couple paragraphs of third person narrative then switch to first person so suddenly. You could go one paragraph, maybe, but two makes the switch a bit puzzling. Like, suddenly, it wasn't enough to just describe the act without a filter of perception that tells us what to feel.

Now, this filter is perfectly fine, if you introduce it early enough. I'd suggest to move the introduction of a first person narrator (the "I" character) to the first paragraph. Then, in such a short span, you don't stun readers out of the story with a sudden viewpoint switch.

As if someone had connected me to one end of the terminal and I was thrashing as the current leashed its way through me.

Two uses of "me", thrashing/lashed rhyme (middle sound rhyme) and this sentence took multiple reads. Rearranging this sentence, maybe breaking it in two, would get a better flow and allow you to avoid saying "me" too much. The reason I point this out is, we get it already. She's connected to electricity. This "we get it" makes the second "me" redundant.

Far from his view I had collapsed on the hard floor, flailing and thrashing.

"Thrashing" is repetitive.

~

Overall...

Your story is choked by redundancy in half, and not enough clarity in the other. When you look at a sentence, ask yourself if we already know what's going on. If the answer is "yes", then don't mention what's going on again in the next paragraph. If the answer is "no", then add in more details earlier in the story/around the first time you introduce it.

An example of redundancy would be the last two quotes I made: we know she's plugged into the current (therefore, it must be going through her and we don't need to hear that it is) and we know she's thrashing.

Not enough clarity is your tendency to just add things into the story. Suddenly saying there's a table, switching to first person, a big enough room two people could be in there without seeing each other... it gets to be rather impossible to create some sort of mental picture. While you might not want a perfectly clear mental picture, I'd suggest cutting any details that don't let readers fill in the blanks. If you're going for abstract, go really abstract. "a table" instead of "the table", so readers don't wonder why this table is so important. I already talked about my suggestion for first person, which would help create a reason things aren't being described as clearly as they could be earlier in the story. Let him ignoring the narrator falling be the indication he didn't see; don't tell us it was out of his sight so we don't try to fill in "why" subconsciously. If you're not going to answer "why", don't lead us there in the first place and let us hanging. It detracts from our enjoyment of the story.

Of course, all of these are just suggestions. A final one is: if you don't want everybody to get it, then please make your story pleasing to read with beautiful use of language, metaphor, and other poetic techniques that don't obscure the meaning but instead enhance it— make the piece shine without a meaning, and positively glow with one. Right now, all you have going for this story is a meaning. Try to add in some beauty or interest in just the words.

~Rosey

Ok. Thank you very much, I was jerked quite a hundred times myself reading a review longer than my post itself

Number one: I did say do not dissect my post, I guess it is a big message in itself. I know about beauty of words but if you don't like it, please do not waste my time here. Your tone was much to brutal and Becki was right she helped and used the right tone, which I so humbly point, you have clearly missed

Language? Metaphor? My dear friend did you even read it? Every line smells metaphor and the repetition well alright the thrashing word, I shall fix
I am a new member here and I was not aware how did this place treat people.

"I suggest you stop reading" No my friend, You picked on my work with no real concern. I will read it all and answer you back

I don't know what you know about what she is going through and what you want to hear.

My dear, this is just a type I tried, a way I experimented with, do not for a second try questioning English and writings of someone so frankly. This shows your own attributes of helping others and knowing literature. I can answer back because I wrote it and I am so disappointed at your tone. A story approved by a Ph.D. Professor so brutally dissected. It is abstract! The table the paints! Have you never read Virginia Woolf? I was right, I will be amazed if you get it. It was on harassment my dear fella.. and I posted it for 18+ thinking it might give a notion..

Redundancy was more clearer through your review. This post was basically on people who can perceive auras. Can understand colours. There is a mystical nature and relation of colours with people around us. And when something happens to them it is as if colours die. All my someone immature. He was not a painter, not even a true human being. An animal. Who meddled with things he could never perceive.

I can stun readers as I like. I write, You don't like it. Don't stop by

Beauty and interest? I would've for sure if you really helped me out rather than pressing on someone who mistakenly stumbled here. I am really really sorry for putting my work here. I will like to answer a few more of your statements (written as if you are aware with my works) but I am tired out. She couldn't blame her that point because we humans are crazed by sparkle. He was by her. And ripped her apart. But all she was colours dying. Whereas she was the one killed by him.

Hey, you really hurt me

Love

Whiterose Thanks for stopping by. =) =)

Phoenix Thanks friend, I am so hurt

I'm sorry you feel this way about YWS. You see, the whole purpose of this site is to dissect writing, in the hopes of pointing out places for possible improvement. I was careful not to touch surface trappings of your work (such as going on at length about grammar) and try to get to the heart.

Also, another thing to keep in mind is are audience is not PhDs, but teenagers just like ourselves who are trying to improve their writing (a good portion of us with the intent of getting published). While the pieces can still be abstract, they are often so layered that any level of society can enjoy them. If your goal is to make this piece something to discuss only in top philosophy circles, then I would suggest you find another place to post this. Or, you find reviewers who "get" it and can help you improve on your level.

~Rosey