Young Writers Society

Here's a story that I wrote when I was in history. Enjoy!

Rain streamed down my face as I ran through the night, trying to find her. My eyes darted back and forth searching the dark alley ways, trying to find some clue as to where she went.

It was stupid of her to run off like that! I thought to myself as I turned into another alley. A dark blue object caught my eye behind a dumpster and I ran over to it. It was her sweater, but it was covered in blood.

Fear and adrenaline started pumping through my body and I ran down the alley trying even harder to find her. My heart felt heavy and my breathing came out in ragged gasps as I sprinted as fast I could.

A shrill scream sounded out among another alley along with gunshots. I could feel my blood rush through my body faster and faster as I sprinted towards the scream. I cut the corner into the alley and saw a man with white gloves and an all black suit.

The man sneered at me and vanished within the blink of an eye. Flabbergasted by what I just saw, I slowly approached where the man was. Red liquid oozed out from the other side of a trash can.

My heart stopped beating when I saw her eyes staring off into the nothingness of death... Dropping to my knees I looked to the sky as thunder rumbled and the rain pelted everything in its way....

Hello. Now, while I suppose the "right" thing to do would be to scold you for being distracted enough from your history lesson to be able to write a story, I have oft-times been guilty of the same and therefore my hands are tied. Now, from side-distractions and comic relief onto your story:

One of the things I'm longing for in this story is tension. That is, the feeling of suspense created in the reader through the lack of information. If they know what's going to happen already, there's significantly less reason to be interested. The reader has to be wondering "what's going to happen next" to read on. This question did not arise to me, as to me the title already revealed too much, and the events that unfolded were very straightforward after the bloody sweater was found.
Also, for a reader to keep going on, not only must he lack knowledge making him wonder "what's going to happen next", he must also have some reason why to care about what's going to happen next. This is where emotional involvement comes in. You need to somehow have the reader feel what the characters in your story are feeling. Reading this story, I felt detached. I had no understanding of who the main character is, and why does he care about the girl/woman he's looking for. You don't tell about either character. This makes it very hard to relate to the events. Rather, all I see in my head is the image of a dude running in rainy weather, looking for some friend of his(or hers? the story does not reveal this much about the main character), meeting a man in a black suit who's apparently killed the main character's friend. Said like that, it doesn't sound very interesting. Focusing almost solely on what happens, without covering emotions, does not allow the reader to feel empathy, as little to no connection can be made with the characters in the story.

As for the language and grammar, it's mostly good throughout with just a few minor mistakes which need to be corrected.

My eyes darted back and forth searching the dark alley ways

here "alleyways" is actually supposed to be written together.

It was stupid of her to run off like that! I thought to myself as I turned into another alley.

You present this as two different sentences (the exclamation mark ending the first one) while actually they're just one, as the second sentence continues the thought being expressed in the first one. "I thought to myself as I turned into another alley." sounds strange by itself, no? No matter, this can be easily fixed to for example: " As I turned to another alley, I thought to myself how stupid it was of her to run off like that ."

Your writing does have its good sides as well. You clearly know how to make use of setting to create mood for the story, and how to use description and imagery. To sum things up, if this were a painting, you have the painting techniques and skills, but seem to be unsure as to how to position the things you're painting onto the screen, what to concentrate on to create a harmonious whole. This is something one gains through experience, so there's no reason to be dispirited even if my review is harsh-ish. Keep writing!

You began and ended your story with bland descriptions of weather. That's kind of a no-no.

Also, this line:

Fear and adrenaline started pumping through my body and I ran down the alley trying even harder to find her.

is throwaway. What did it contribute? It let us know that the narrator started running again. But words like "fear and adrenaline" and "trying even harder to find her" are throwaway and tasteless.

It was her sweater, but it was covered in blood.

And you seem too caught up in the need to give us a bloody artifact to stop and wonder about the logic of this. Was the sweater ripped off? Because otherwise we assume the girl's immediate reaction to being shot/stabbed/maimed is to immediately remove her sweater and run away.

Flabbergasted by what I just saw,

He has strong reason to believe this girl he cares about is dead/seriously wounded, and he's using words like "flabbergasted"?

Red liquid oozed

Again, you're caught up in giving us bloody artifacts without pausing to think. In a dark alley on rainy night, what is the color of blood? You're focusing too much on shock factor without the supporting world and reasons.

Soooo...there ya have it. There's not too much to say. If you want to make it better, expand it and give us reasons why things happen and a greater world to inhabit. This is just a little blip in the puddle that has no beginning or end.