Young Writers Society

She was on the bus the first time i ever saw her. Her long dyed red hair on her shoulders, she brushed a strand behind her overly pierced ear reveling her dark brown roots. She sat cross legged with her tan leather puse on her dark blue jean coverd theigh. The bus hit a bump coasing her puse to fall on the floor. She scambeld to pick up her lipgloss and lose change. I got down on my nees to catch a run away nickle. When i handed it to her, her green eyes locked with mine. Her hand was so soft and her short nailed fingers quickly, yet gentaly, picked it off my palm as her sweet shy voice wisperd 'thank you'.
And that was all it toke.
I wanted her. I wanted to see her everyday. I wanted her peppermint breath to wake me up in the moring and to lull me to sleep at night. I knew that I was hocked. And that soon, so very soon. She and i would be insuperable.
We talked and talked that bus ride. I felt like we had know each other forever. I asked her for her name. She repleyd with a giggle,
"My name is Bridgette."
I then started my plan. How would I get her last name seemed so easy, untill opened my mouth.
I knew I couldn't give her my real name, So I used a mix of my first dog's name and my mothers maiden name to get, Fluffy McJenfeild...
I then used my Dad's first name and my faverite word in the world.
" Bridgette, what a pretty name! My name is Tristen Found. "
" Found as in; I found three cats? " she looked at me with a puzzled face. Her lips closed and almost stuck togeter from the dyr-ness in the air.
" Yes found. Silly name, I know."
" NO! no, I'm sorry, it's just... different." She smiled. That smile sent a warm powerfull feeling all threw my body. I wanted to take her by the hand and pull her home right there, but I knew I had to be more stealthy then that. We started to chit chat when and idea hit me.
" Well, this is my stop..." I stood up not breaking eye conact.
She started to figet, she then blurted,
" We should hang out, some time. "
" I'd like that, um, do you have facebook? " With my plan in motion, I prayed she replay yes.
" OH! yeah, my name is Bridgette Miller. "
I toke out my pen and handed it to her, asking her to write it on my hand, and as she did, the world seemed to move in slow motion.
She wrote the last letter in miller and gave me a cute smirk.
I waved an awkward wave as the bus drove away, once she was out of my sight, I sprinted home. I flung open the door and kicked off my shoes while struggling to get my coat off. I could feel the cool air nipping my neck and back nagging at me to close the door. I slammed it and ran down the hallway.
My bedroom door was opened, exposing my computer screen, I must have been distracted, because soon my rug had got caught up in my feet causing me to face plant the floor.
"Hey Bennett, come to kiss your girlfriend again?" My roommate, Allen, stood above me laughing.
" Ha,ha,ha. Allen shut your trap and help me up." I reached out my hand reaching for his.
" Well aren't you the chammer, what's the hurry ." I brushed myself off and, slowly, headed to the competer. " I met someone" I typed in the U.R.L.
" Facebook? Don't you have one?" Allen poked the screen leaving an orange residue. I looked back at his grubby hands reaching in a bag of cheese puffs and shoving them in his mouth. I pulled up my sleeve to rub the mark off, I sighed,
"I used a fake name."
Allen stopped and gave me a blank look.
" Are you going to add her to the... collection?" he whispered
Before I could answer, a muffled scream came from the basement. Allen and I rolled ours eyes. He slowly raised himself from the chair to do the dreadful chore. I lighty pushed him back,
" No, please, you did it last time, let me give you a break, you deserve it-"
Allen cut me off " Yeah yeah, I can take a hint, I'll make you a new profile you untech sauvy fool you"
I gave him a playful punch on the shoulder and begun to walk towards the kitchen. I poured three bowls of vegetable broth. The muffed voice rang once more.
I walked the stairs that lead to a dingy door. I dung threw my pocket as I thought of ways to make it a less depressing hallway. ( If you haven't noticed, I'm a tad bit of a clean freak ) I pushed the key into the lock and the screaming stopped.
I slowly opened the door, knowing that it drives my collection crazy, the light made my silhouette just that more sinister.
" Hello girls. " I walked over to a girl named molly and I removed her gag. She was bound to the wall by her hands and feet. She gave me a look of pure hatred. Her cheeks stained by tears her brown eyes piercing my soul.
" Would you like some soup ladies? " I looked around to see the other two, Penny, an albino sweet heart, and Fiona, a creative mind. They both seemed to be asleep, the heads hung low.
" Their dead you son of a bitch. " Molly said with no emotion. She then raised her head, her ebony hair still covering her face,
" They died last night! " she barked. An echo filled the room.
" Tsk Tsk, same old Molly I see. Fierce and so full of hope. Do you want some soup? " She looked away, a tear fell down her face and hit my shoe. She didn't say a word.
" Molly, I'm offering you food. Do you want soup? Or do you want to end up like the others? " Molly held her breath as she looked over in the corner to see another room made of glass. Inside was a gun, a chair, a table... and the last of Delaney, the shy african american to proud to die by my hand.
Molly looked back to me biting her lip. She opened her dry mouth waiting for the luke warm, broth to enter her mouth.
" Good choice. " I smiked as her lips wraped around the spoon.
She spat the soup back to my face, and began to scream,
" I grow tried of this! I'v been nothing but nice to you, I loved you, and what do you do? You lock me down here with eight other girls. I watched them die, in front of my eyes! I ran away from home! I faked my own death so my family won't worry! You said that we'd run away with each other, and be together for ever! But no! You bind me to a wall and slowly watch me die! Why do you do such things ?! What do you get from this?! " She tried once more to break from her bonds. I kissed her on the cheek and whispered in her ear;
" Because, I love strong girls. I know, the frist girl who lives threw this, I will love forever. " I threw the soup all over her.
"Allen will be down here to put you in the glass room soon. Enjoy these last moments." I replaced her gag and kissed her one last time. I shut the door and walked back to my room where allen sat by the screen.
" Molly's time is now." I said. Allen nodded and walked down the hall.
I sat in front of the computer screen looking for Bridgette Miller on facebook when a shot rang threw the house. Allen appeared beside me with a smile.
" She didn't even think, she just grabbed it and pulled the trigger. " He laughed.
" Well, I guess one step closer to the right girl, am I right? "

Hello there Djwicca!

This seemed like a pretty rough draft to me. As far as I could tell, you really need to be careful of your misspellings- they're all over the place and honestly, it almost threw me off bit. ^^ But fortunately, there was something intriguing that made me want to keep reading the story (especially why Bennett gave Bridgette a fake name, the reason why he made another FB account). There was this intensity and at the same time, anticipation that flowed very well in your piece- and it actually impressed me as to how you have executed it well. I have never expected Bennett's plan until I knew what he was up to Bridgette later explained in the story.

About your main character, I think it could have been better if you had added more details. I want to know what was his objective of kidnapping woman or perhaps, even just a tinge of his past background. How did he end being a murderer? Is he mentally-challenged? Let us also know his thoughts- like, what was he thinking when he wanted Bridgette badly? I'm not saying you have to dump all information in one place, perhaps just sprinkle a little bit here and there.

Grammar-wise, I suggest reading this piece once again. Sometimes, I get puzzled by your words that are wrongly spelled. You should be wary of your punctuation too, there were at times when you overused ellipses a lot, andalso used a period instead of commas particularly in a dialogue.

" Molly's time is now." I said

For example, the dot should be a comma, since the sentence/dialog follows after a speech tag (such as 'he said').

I think the story would have been better if it had a stronger prose. There were some parts that were insufficiently described, especially the place where kidnapped women are kept hidden alive. It would have been also nice if Bennett had commented about the stench smell of the place, the decaying bodies or even the place itself- was it dark, were there no windows? Things like that can help the readers visualize the setting very well. But anyways, I think your verb tense is consistent, so good job on that. ^^

All in all, this has potential, but as I have said before, try fixing some parts of the story. I suggest digging the story deeper (meaning, it needs depth). Build the atmosphere more and look for any grammatical errors. Last but not the least, show and don't tell- that's one of the most important reminders for every writers.

This is based solely on my thoughts and opinions. Let me know if you have any questions. I'll be waiting for an edited version, and hopefully a next chapter. ^^

Keep writing,
Yuri

Thx so much for the ideas! i really appreciated it!
It's a work in progress, i'm adding more chapters, and yes, i know the spelling sucks, i have some issues with that. I would love for you and I to talk more about it, any more suggestions?