Young Writers Society

I reached the dark alleyway and my eyes traveled up the dead end. A pounding sounded in my ears and the ground felt shaky beneath my feet. This must be the end. Waves of fear and anxiety crashed all around me, flinging me on the shore, and then pulling me out again. My heart thudded in my chest, threating to jump out and crash to the floor. They had killed him and stuffed me in that room, with the sterile walls and stone floors. How I had cried. And then, the killers chased me from my prison and forced me into a tight corner. I glared up at the moon, its celestial glow raining down on me, revealing my presence. I heard the angry footsteps echoing through the darkness, and I shrank into a corner. The waves lapped up over my head, drowning me in fear. I barely heard the shot and I barely felt the pain. I now stand, an innocent bystander, wishing for a chance to renew.

-Xreigon

i love it keeep up the great work *********** panda21************

Hi Xriegon! Okay, so this is really short and I know it is just some random flash fiction so this review probably won't be too long. Because this is so short I'm just going to quote the whole thing:

I reached the dark alleyway, and my eyes traveled up the dead end. A pounding sounded in my ears, and the ground felt shaky beneath my feet. These first two sentences are structured exactly the same so I think maybe you should change one of them. This must be the end. Waves of fear and anxiety crashed all around me, flinging me on the shore, and then pulling me out again. This should be: Waves of fear and anxiety crashed all around me - flinging me on the shore and then pulling me out again. Nice metaphor by the way! My heart thudded in my chest, threating to jump out and crash to the floor. They had killed him and stuffed me in that room, with the sterile walls and stone floors. How I had cried. And then, I think you could completely take this out, because 'then' is a distracting word at the beginning of the sentence; it doesn't actually add to anything. the killers chased me from my prison and forced me into a tight corner. After this I didn't find any grammar errors.

I think your biggest problem is sentence variety or the lack their of. A lot of your sentences are: They/I did bla bla bla and they/I did bla bla bla. Like this one:

A pounding sounded in my ears, and the ground felt shaky beneath my feet.

You should try to read over it and look for sentences that sound the same. For our example we could do:

I closed my eyes trying to block out the pounding of my ears and the shaking of the ground beneath my feet.

That isn't the best edit, but it gives you the idea and there are a few places where you could make much more effective revisions.


Overall this was pretty good flash fiction. If you have any questions or want another review send me a P.M. I hope I helped!

- Calli

I actually like how some of the sentance lengths are similer. It gives it a distinct rythem and since it is so short, probobly won't bore a reader. Good work!