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4:30 pm Vision (a ghost story)



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27 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1349
Reviews: 27
Fri Nov 11, 2011 5:17 pm
jamesMarcus says...



Hey everyone !James here =)
So while i was taking my afternoon nap i saw a dream and it was weird...I decided to put it in words. I bet you would find it weird.


I walked around the empty cool corridors of my school with sweat trickling down my forehead. My heart pounded faster with every step i took. My mind was racing with so many thoughts it was getting tougher to concentrate on anything. The questions swarmed my head feeling frustrated as they found themselves unanswered. Why was i wandering in my high school building? Where were the kids? Why did the place look like it was in such a wreck? According to the time on my watch it was 9:00 am, why was it still so dark?

The chilled hallway was soundless and each classroom was a wreck with tables turned over and chairs on the floor. Sheets of papers flew near my feet and every time the breeze swept my hair i felt a chill run down my spine. I heard whispering when i reached the stairs heading down the ground floor. I rushed towards civilization.

I reached the last step and saw a red light silently blinking at the end of the hallway. I felt a weird sort of pull towards it, i go hypnotized as it blinked red...peacefully. I couldn't blink as my sneakers squeaked in its direction.

"YOU THERE! BOY! WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?" a woman shouted from a distance.
The trance broke as i swung my head to face her. It was my old vice principle, she was a middle aged woman in her late forties who knew the school the day it started. She recognized me instantly. I remember her referring to me as "Head Boy" and never "James" or "Marcus".
"Ah! Head Boy , thank goodness i found you! Did you check if all the classrooms upstairs are evacuated?" she asked.
The last word she spoke caught my attention. 'Evacuation' meant business, it meant a serious case of emergency such as a fire or meteors shooting down. Since neither of them fit in the situation i figured i had to ask.

"Uhh...evacuation? Checking? Whats going on VP?" i asked honestly confused.
"Oh...my dear boy. Where have you been for the past 30 minutes? The school has received a serious threat that there might be a bomb blast in the next 45 minutes and that the building has to be evacuated as soon as possible!" she exclaimed.

I stood there in shock. I couldn't let shock take over for the next 15 minutes so i ran to the main area where i found my fellow council members talking nervously and packing kids in school buses. It was the most panicky situation i had ever sighted. I found Laila shouting on top of her lungs at the second years to get in he bus and stop panicking.

"YES IM SURE THERE IS STILL TIME! THERE WONT BE ANY TIME LEFT IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR WHINY A** INSIDE THE BUS!!" she shouted.
"Laila! Hey! Over here!" i waved my arms in the air.
"James! UGH! why did you go back upstairs? look i know what happened last time was very scary but you can't risk things like this!" she smacked my arm.
"HEY! Ow!...wait last time?"
"um, don't you remember? Judith Elliot? When the school got a threat last time all the council members evacuated the building and the teachers checked the attendance. Only one girl who was marked present did'nt come down from the building. She was missing and everyone fret 15 minutes before thinking maybe she ditched school or something. They called her parents and she wasn't home. Two days after the threat everyone went back to school and the janitor went on the roof...he found the girl's corpse there, stabbed with a broken red light bulb".
I instantly thought of the red light that attracted me and my body went cold.
"When we saw you run upstairs we thought you might find Micheal Crenshaw! Oh no...not again"

Poof! i woke up all sweaty and out of breath. I sat in my bed for 5 minutes going through the dream and if you all are wondering there actually WAS a psycho girl in our school and she committed suicide. Well thats a different story. Later ;)
  





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Wed Nov 30, 2011 5:30 am
volleyball13 says...



I liked it. It was very unique. (in a good way)
"When we saw you run upstairs we thought you might find Micheal Crenshaw! Oh no...not again" 

You forgot the period at the end. Other then that and possibly a few other grammar errors, it was really good. I really enjoyed your writing style. Keep on writing!
"Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children."
Walt Disney
  





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Tue Dec 06, 2011 12:44 am
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AlfonsoFernandez says...



Nice story! That would be a harsh dream to have! I really liked it and I think it was very good, although I would like to point out a few mistakes:
while i was taking my afternoon nap i saw a dream and it was weird
You didn't capitalize "I" and you always should. You said: I saw a dream. The correct way to say it is: I had a dream.
I walked around the empty cool corridors of my school with sweat trickling down my forehead. My heart pounded faster with every step i took. My mind was racing with so many thoughts it was getting tougher to concentrate on anything. The questions swarmed my head feeling frustrated as they found themselves unanswered. Why was i wandering in my high school building? Where were the kids? Why did the place look like it was in such a wreck? According to the time on my watch it was 9:00 am, why was it still so dark?
That was a very good paragraph to start with, very catchy. Although again you must use capital "i"s.
I rushed towards civilization.
I wouldn't really use "civilization" here, as you are already in a building, in civilization.
it blinked red...spacepeacefully.
.
I couldn't blink as my sneakers squeaked in its direction.
I like this sentence, my sneakers squeak too, and it's really annoying.
"YOU THERE! BOY! WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?"
I'm not very sure if it's correct to capitalize the whole sentence.
It was my old vice principle
"Principle" should be "principal".
who knew the whole (may be better) school from the day it started.

The trance broke as i swung my head to face her. It was my old vice principle, she was a middle aged woman in her late forties who knew the school the day it started. She recognized me instantly. I remember her referring to me as "Head Boy" and never "James" or "Marcus".
"Ah! Head Boy , thank goodness i found you! Did you check if all the classrooms upstairs are evacuated?" she asked.
The last word she spoke caught my attention. 'Evacuation' meant business, it meant a serious case of emergency such as a fire or meteors shooting down. Since neither of them fit in the situation i figured i had to ask.
Some other "I"s you didn't capitalize.
i ran to the main area where i found my fellow council members talking nervously and packing kids in school buses. It was the most panicky situation i had ever sighted.
Again, some "I"s to capitalize.
i waved my arms in the air.

why did you go back upstairs? look i know what happened last time was very scary but you can't risk things like this!"
You have to capitalize the start of a new sentence after exclamation or question marks.
"um, don't you remember? Judith Elliot? When the school got a threat last time all the council members evacuated the building and the teachers checked the attendance. Only one girl who was marked present did'nt come down from the building. She was missing and everyone fret 15 minutes before thinking maybe she ditched school or something. They called her parents and she wasn't home. Two days after the threat everyone went back to school and the janitor went on the roof...he found the girl's corpse there, stabbed with a broken red light bulb".
I instantly thought of the red light that attracted me and my body went cold.
"When we saw you run upstairs we thought you might find Micheal Crenshaw! Oh no...not again"
A good ending paragraph, but you should capitalize when starting a quote and after suspension points (…).
Good story though, I really liked it. Congratulations! :lol:
"True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read."
- Pliny the Elder

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