Young Writers Society

As Kylie opened her mouth to yawn she saw her parents come into her room.
“We’ve got a huge surprise for you!” they told her. Kylie was so enthusiastic about what her parents were about to say.
“What is it!” she exclaimed.

“Well what’s the date,” Mum asked her.So Kylie swiftly ran over to her calendar and checked.

“The sixteenth of June?” Kylie asked slightly confused.

“Yes, but it’s also the day you going across the Channel to France!” Dad told her.

Kylie was so full of happiness, she kept thinking to herself 'this is impossible'! The next day Kylie packed all of her belongings in her tiny indigo suitcase and had a long good sleep!

Eventually morning came and they set of for the ferry. In the car they chatted away about what they were going to do the whole two weeks they were there.

Not long after, they got to the boat and drove in to board. Dad took the baggage out of the car and Mum and Kylie followed him up the stairs to check in, but they ended up in a massive queue which they just about managed to squeeze into. Gradually they got closer to the check-in desk and finally they got their room key. They went up another two flights of stairs, opened their room door and put their bags in the compartment.

The Partridge family had an unforgetable time. The first day they went to Disneyland and over the whole holidays they did loads of other amazing activities.

But on the last day they went on a boat trip around the English Channel! Normal, right? That day Dad leaned over the side of the boat to take a picture of the beautiful view and....fell over board! They tried and tried to save him. They did everything, threw him life-jackets and rings but the wind always took them away- it was too powerful to compete against. Eventually he went under. He couldn't swim that well. Kylie and her Mum felt dreadful. Like there own lifes had been taken and in a horrible way they had.

Life Lesson- When your Mum drags you to swimming lessons, go! Even though an event like this will probably never occur to you, you never know!
The first Copyright@ Only people who ask permission of the author can use this story. Any violations of this of this act could end in serious consequences.

Okay, so you really need to add some detail to this. You have the story's skeleton, but give it flesh. We need the emotional appeal of characters and their perspectives, of their moods and thoughts and relationships. Right now it's more or less just a summary of a family vacation, which doesn't give us much to work off of. Try coming from the angle of who, not what, and there'll be a lot more personality to your writing.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

So, grammar mistakes.
*"Well, what's the date?"
*Kylie asked, slightly confused.
*Kylie was so full of happiness. This was impossible, she kept thinking!
*and they set off for the ferry.

Ok, so my real problem with this is that there isn't really a plot, and you can't really call it a story. All that happened was they went to France, had a good time, and then came back. I felt disappointed when I had finished reading it, as I was expecting some kind of action or something out of the ordinary to happen. Just wondering, did you write this for school?

I think you use way too many 'then's. 'Then Dad...' 'Then they went up...' 'Then they came back...' Do you see the problem with these? Also, just out of curiosity, why are there giant gaps between the 3rd, 4th and 5th paragraphs? You just need one line between them.

I'm sorry if I seem a little bit harsh, but this does need a lot of work. Perhaps something could happen while they're on holiday? Maybe they learn a valuable life lesson? Maybe only two of them come back? Obviously that's a bit extreme, but hopefully you see what I mean. You need something that peeks the reader's interest, makes them go 'Whoa!' when they've finished reading it. You have a good basis, so you have a great opportunity to expand on it.
-Anna

Yes it was written for school. We could only use a certain amount of words (I was one under!). And there was fifteen words we had to put in it. So it was hard to make it as long or descriptive as I wanted. Anyway thanks for the review , it helped!
Are you really 13? Message me.

Hi there,

Welcome to YWS. Let's see what help I can offer here.

I can see that your grammar is fair, and you have some English skills. That's a good start. Now what you need to do is learn how to tell a story.

I'm going to start with the basic foundation that needs to be present in any story. The element without which any story is doomed to failure. Characters. In this story you have no characters.

I am aware that Kylie, Mum, and Dad, are all referenced in your story, but while they all make cameos, none is a character in your story. None does anything to define them as an individual, and so when reading your story, a reader will automatically switch off. Nobody cares about poor Kylie. The girl who had no personality and whose father fell into a river is just another statistic. If you want a reader to care, give them reason to.

So, how do you change a name to a character within literature? The answer is simple: you throw them into certain scenarios, and watch how they act. When they talk to others and when they see ghosts of their pasts. When they are being picked on by teachers, and when they are babysitting their grandchildren. Put them in situations where you force them to show their individual identities to the reader, and don't gloss over these encounters.

This brings me to the second point: how to not gloss over a situation. Nobody cares about what happens, but everybody cares about the journey. So, when you want to tell a reader that a character goes to Disneyland, don't tell them. Show them. What happens in Disneyland that your reader should be interested in hearing? Whatever it is, it should challenge the characters' mettle. How they respond must change how a reader views them as a character.

Don't use reported speech, but third person narration. I suggest taking your favorite published work, and analyzing it. Try to replicate it in style until you can develop a style of your own. It will take time, but you'll learn to tell a progressive story, where each line contributes to character or plot, which together build to a final crescendo.

Oh, and one last thing: I'd advise not preaching to your reader. Some might take offense.

If you work hard, you can definitely become a great writer.
Yoda

Thanks....I understand where you are coming from.