Young Writers Society

I wrote this... uh... I think it's the best I can do... Funny right? xD Well, I need you guys to review it, giving me tips of how to improve my writing, because I know it's not good. >.< Lol. I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks<3

We were waiting for him right in front of the house. It seemed like he was taking his time to say one last goodbye. I glanced at him from inside the car as daddy lifted up our bags to place them in the trunk. My ten year old brother looked around carefully, as if his melancholic eyes were memorizing the only place he had ever known.

"Jorge! C'mon, sweetie, we don't want to miss the plane," Mama announced as she held the car's door open for him. She tried to make no expression towards his deplored reaction to the situation.

My brother sat next to me in the back of the car, while Mama and Daddy were next to each other in front.

"Here we go!" Daddy yelled out in Spanish, trying to get rid of the saddened atmosphere that was embracing us as he turned on the car.

I looked at Jorge, his face was almost touching the car's window as he observed everything carefully. He rolled it down quickly, while we drove next to those Flamboyan trees that always keep the river in company

"What are you doing?" I asked briefly, and puzzled. I mean, the car's air was on.

"Smelling and feeling my country," he said, as he closed his eyes.

Daddy looked at me from the rear view mirror and shrugged. Jorge let his ear-buds fall into the car's sit.

"Can I use your iPod?" I asked. "Mine's in my bag," I said as I pointed to the trunk with my thumb.

I looked at him, and he didn't say anything, he just nodded gently. I took his iPod in my hands and started skipping through songs. I looked at him as if he were crazy.

"Jorge," I called out. "You only have three songs here," I said. "An old typical song, the anthem, and a Christmas song?"

"I know," Jorge replied with his eyes closed still. It looked like somehow he was ignoring me, I didn't think he was paying full attention.

"And..." I moved my body to the right, to be able to look at him with both of my eyes. "What happened to your songs in English?" I asked.

"I deleted them," he replied briefly, as he looked in my eyes.

"But, why?" I asked, and tilted my head.

"Por respeto a mi patria," he said.

I didn't know what to say, the situation seem to be affecting him more than I thought.

"Respect for my country..." He didn't say anything else after that. And now, while we are waiting to arrive to the states in this airplane, his words resound in my head, along with the voice coming from the speakers announcing that we're about to land.

This would be really good, if it weren't for the way this is written. A lot of the language you use is very choppy and cheesy. It seems like you're trying to write like a 'writer', and that you're not really writing.

It seemed like he was taking his time to say one last goodbye.

...as if his melancholic eyes were memorizing the only place he had ever known.

She tried to make no expression towards his deplored reaction to the situation.

...trying to get rid of the saddened atmosphere that was embracing us as he turned on the car.

...to those Flamboyan trees that always keep the river in company

It seems like you're trying to 'fancify' your writing. Just try to state things more simply instead of sugar-coating everything. The point of writing is to tell stories not to just sound good.

Hai there my Sollydear!!
It has been a while since I reviewed something of yours but tadaaa here I am to give you your second review! XD
Warning: I've been out of long detailed reviews for quite a while so excuse me if this isn't one of my best. XD
So I want to start off with saying that I liked this short story. I disagree with Mistie (no disrespect or anything =)) because I think this sounds good and since I can kind of relate to this I can tell you that you've described the feeling pretty well. Lol if only I had so much respect for my real country as Jorge, I could have totally related to this XD.
It's short and I would like to see you expand on this (just to see how it ends XD). You've got a good story line here and I think you worded it good.
Especially the part about him deleting all his English songs made me go all: d'awwwwwwwwwwwww *squeezes character*.
Maybe it's just me but this story surely did awaken some feelings inside of my confused little heart. XD
And now a few nitpicks (and I hope I'm not wrong..I just thought a few things didn't feel right XD)

And now, while we are waiting to arrive at the states in this airplane, his words resound in my head, along with the voice coming from the speakers announcing that we're about to land.

I think it would sound better if you changed it into that..But I could be wrong of course. XP
Okay so that was it for today!
Hope this review helped a little and already liked your piece! XD
Keep writing! I really enjoyed reading this. I will read this again in 2 years and cry. XD
-qaralynn-

Solly! XD

Ah, change! its affects leave many profound as well as dis-heartened. Leaving 'home' to go off somewhere else and attempting to make a life despite all the uncertainties that linger in the mind - like how to adjust and how to make friends and the usual worries. It's plain to see why Jorge was behaving the way he did. Being so young and living in a place that must have carved his identity as well as held some fond memories of his childhood, it should be expected. In fact, I felt the same way, when I was moving as well. Though not patriotic as Jorge, but sad to leave such a familiar place.

This piece is very simple and doesn't bother with being too flashy and stuff. This piece has its self-respect intact! lol, but you know what I mean! So the imagery is good and descriptive. The introduction and role of the characters is brief and that allows the reader to focus on the main character! I have only one nit-pick -

GeeLyria wrote:Mama announced as she hold the car's door opened for him.

I would suggest replacing 'hold' with 'held' and 'opened' with 'open'.

So seeing as this entire piece is of you trying to demystify the strange behaviour of your brother through just the subtle hints like his expressions and his whole attitude throughout the affair, you've made this quite a captivating read! To write so much over such feeble things and make them sound so interesting is a skill that many writers would kill to have (Don't worry, there's no ninja assassin behind your back, lol).

I really enjoyed this piece and I'm sure that you can do still greater, Gee! You've just sparked some inspiration in me to start writing something like a short story! Despite my meager writing skill at these types of things, I'll give it my best shot, just as you've done with this piece!

You are a very talented writer and you ought to know it! Solly is awesome! \\m// Yea!
Ahem... okay, so Keep the ink flowing and I'm looking forward to the next!!

Murtuza