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Home Sweet Home



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Thu Nov 17, 2011 2:44 am
creativemuse1 says...



The night progressed slowly as Liv sat on the beach blue couch watching T.V. She was flipping through uninteresting and senseless stations after another. Liv just needed a distraction; something to catch her attention and drown out the noises that were coming from the kitchen. The constant banging of pans in the cupboard and the whispering sounds was driving her insane. Or was she already?

“Livy.” They seem to call out to her, tempting her to come into the kitchen. “Come and play with us.” She was not a little girl nor was she foolish.

Liv knew what was going to happen if she went into the kitchen. No, she will wait until her family came back from the concert. As fast as they started, they stopped. For the first time in an hour since it started again, she was able to breathe.
The silly looking cuckoo clock on the wall read twelve a.m. Liv’s eyes bore into the clock like she expected something horrid to come out of the cuckoo’s nest. Nothing moved. The room was somber and filled with an unbearable silence that even the slightest noise would be booming. Liv glanced around the room, shadows everywhere. On the coffee table, her cup of chocolate cappuccino was gone. The table still had the stain of bleach from the prank the poltergeists decided to pull on the family.
The fear swelled up into her throat, robbing her ability to speak. Abruptly, Laughter filled the sullen room.

“Livy can’t speak. You are a little sneak. You smell like feet. You can’t find what you can’t see.” The strange taunts went on for a while in many voices ranging from a child to a scratchy unisex voice.

They repeated her name. Liv couldn’t cry. They would insult her more if she cried. That’s why they troubled her brother so much, he cried every night. She closed her eyes. Liv knew they would be standing around the room; murky shadows with red eyes. Liv could hardly breathe. She didn’t want to move for fear that they would attack her like they attacked her mother when she tried to leave the house after they slapped her in the face. Liv’s mother still bared the claw mark on her left check. They made the very room darker than normal.

“Please, leave me alone.” Liv whispered as she clenched and unclenched her fists. “We have done nothing to you. To any of you.”

They kept on laughing. Drops of salty water ran down her face. Liv knew she had to do something. She knew she had to get out of the house and into safety wherever that is. She sucked in a whirlwind of air before opening her eyes and bolting toward the open door. Liv held on to the door knob. She couldn’t move. They held onto her feet like a prized mule but only a prized fresh meat. Liv shock her head as the tears uncontrollably fell down her face. Her knuckles turned white as snow as she held onto the door knob like her life depended on it. And it did.

“You’re not going anywhere, Liv. You’re staying with us.” At that, they pulled her back inside the living room. Liv’s mouth was open wide like she was going to scream yet nothing came out. Nothing but air. They kept dragging her across the living room floor, scraping the wood.

“You are dead.” Liv’s body slammed on the concrete floor of the basement. The florescent light that came from the moon, shined through the window in the living room. The hope that Liv ever had of staying alive was shut off by the door as it slammed shut and leaving her to the mercy of the shadows.

Liv’s family came home thirty minutes after the events that took place. Lights illuminated the house as they walked in the front door. Everything in the living room was normal, a first in a long time since they moved into the cursed house. The only thing that worried them was the scratch marks on the floor. They were unaware of the death of their daughter.

“Mommy, Daddy, I’m cold.” Their dead daughter stood in the kitchen archway, looking like someone raise her from the dead. The shock on their faces was succumbed by the shadows.

Spoiler! :
My first attempt at a horror story. Tear it apart however you feel it neccessary.
:)Life is full of hard times and good times. Lift your chin up, Ladies and Gentlemen.
  





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Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:48 am
LoneWolf161 says...



this is good my friend would love this keep up the good work

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Thu Nov 17, 2011 1:59 pm
SunshineandCarnage says...



What a lovely story. I love a good scare. I like how you left the ending to the reader's imagination. Well done, my friend.
If looks could kill, you'd be turning blue as we speak

I may not agree with what you say, but I'll fight to the death your right to say it- Voltaire

Rainbow Dash: Cutesy? Wootsy? Have you even met me?
  





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Thu Dec 08, 2011 5:18 pm
SmylinG says...



Creativemuse! :]

This was a fabulous attempt at a horror story if I do say so. All of the horror that I've ever attempted just doesn't evoke the right kind of mood. And some of the other attempted horror I've read on the site has been quite similar in the fact that it just doesn't quite head in the right direction for it to be scary or unsettling in any way to the reader. With that said, I do of course think there is some room for improvement if you plan on knocking this one out of the park!

First off, things to definitely keep. I'm loving the creepy poltergeist atmosphere and the fact that the character of the daughter is so strangely secluded to the prison of her own home at midnight. She doesn't budge for fear of what these spirits will do to her, but in the end, it's what ultimately encourages her to give fleeing a shot. In this particular sense I feel the well-roundedness of your story.

Some things to work on! Now, I'm not sure why her family was out at a concert. I mean, why would they leave their daughter home by herself! I would think that if she was home by herself, it was because of something reasonable. I mean, her family knows how cruel and evil the spirits in their home are. So firstly, I think it'd be wise to think up some better excuse as to why Liv is home alone by herself. Maybe she was out somewhere else but was forced to come back home for some reason or other, only to return to an empty house, because her family had plans of being out. But make it something reasonable, not nonchalant like a concert. It kills the mood you wish to set in place for the audience.

I like the concept of your ending, I just feel it could have probably used a bit more spice, a bit more dressing up. Nothing overly extravagant, but the ending wrapped up all too suddenly to really take in its flavor. I'd like to see you do a little something more to the ending. As for the overall flow of your writing, I did find a few nitpicky things as far as misspelled words, or rather, mistypes. I don't think any of it was intentionall, but it'd be best to read back through and clean things up. I also noticed you scrambling up your tenses! Noooo, don't do et! I've been noticing that with a lot of works I've been reviewing lately. Keep your tenses all to one specific fashion, don't intermingle words that don't belong together. Here for example:

She knew she had to get out of the house and into safety(;) wherever that is was.


The words knew and had are in the correct tense here. When you throw in the word is, that's completely distracting to the eye, and it's like reading with a bump in the road. My mind is thinking automatically "was" instead of "is". So keep that in mind when you're editing and such.

Anyhow, I hope any of what I said in my review may be of some help to you. Really cool story here, Creativmuse. It was short but kept me interested. Nice work!

-Smylin'
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.
  








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