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The Cloudy Side



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Points: 1931
Reviews: 52
Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:56 pm
annaseale1998 says...



Spoiler! :
Ok, so this is for xDudettex's competition. The song is 'Walking Disasters' and the two prompts are a rose and an umbrella.


'Jessi!' he shouted. 'JESSI!'
When she couldn't ignore him any longer, Jessi spun around to see Chris rushing in her direction. She let out fits of laughter, pointing at his dripping sleeves. Chris shoved her umbrella upwards, crouching underneath it. 'I swear, Jessi, one more second in that rain and you'd have given me frostbite,' he said, but he was smiling down at her.
'Oh, don't be so grumpy. You look cute, you know, all wet and messy.' She reached out and pinched his cheek, but he swatted her hand away playfully. They stood facing eachother, the umbrella creating an awkward barrier between them.
Chris cleared his throat. 'So, um, how are you feeling?' Jessi knew he was refering to yesterday.
'Oh, you know, great. Fine. Because everyone's just so happy the day after they've been fired. Come on, Chris, you know how I'm feeling. I'm a complete emotional disaster.' She glanced up at him.
'You don't always have to live on the cloudy side, Jessi. The sunny side's a lot warmer.' Chris took her hand. 'You can feel the sun on your back, the pink sky, and, wait, what do girls like again? Unicorns and rainbows?' Jessi giggled. 'Well, I suppose the cloudy side's not too bad,' he continued. 'I just think you need to pick one.' he said. He was looking at her with a serious expression. One, Jessi realised, that needed a reply.
'I guess I'm just not used to the rain,' she said. Chris beamed at her.
'Well, we can fix that, now can't we?' Suddenly he grabbed the umbrella right out of her hand, and began to jog down the empty street. Jessi screamed, the cold, biting rain gushing all over her. She stood like that, mouth open in the shock of what Chris had just done, arms out wide. Chris stopped at the end of the street. Now it was his turn to laugh. Jessi puffed out air in front of her, blowing a stray lock of dark, drenced hair out of her face, only for it to be shoved back again by the rain.
'So not fair!' she yelled. She slipped off her high heels, and gasped when her feet smacked against the soaking pavement. She ran over to where Chris stood, laughing and smiling. He dropped the umbrella to the ground so he could hug her. 'See?' she whispered into his ear, 'I bet your sunny side isn't nearly as fun as this.' He kissed her on the lips and then rested his forehead against hers.
'No,' he agreed. 'It isn't.' He reached down for the umbrella, but Jessi took his hand instead.
'Don't bother,' she said. Chris kept his eyes locked on hers as he straightened up. Jessi threw her pink, £15 heels to the floor. They were wrecked anyway, she thought. 'Come on.' She started to run towards the park, two streets down. She glanced over her shoulders. 'You coming?' she asked.
Chris stared down at the discarded possessions. 'Jessi. I'd follow you to the end of the Earth, no matter how insane you turn out to be,' he said, running up to her. He circled his arms around her waist, spinning her around. She laughed as he put her down.
Jessi took his hand, and they ran through the rain. The park gate soon loomed up in front of them. 'It's locked,' she said, deflated. A padlock sat streaming with water on the rusted bars.
'Jessi Francesca St Morgan! When have you ever been one to give up?' Chris shook his head like a dog, droplets of water spraying off him, but not making a dent in the pouring world around them. He walked backwards, looking like a mad man in the low glow of the street lamps. He ran straight for the gate, as if splitting his head open seemed like an enjoyable prospect. He jumped at the last second, grasping onto the slick horizontal bar at the top of the gate. He hauled himself up, sitting with one leg on either side. 'Right,' he smiled, panting heavily, 'your turn!'
'You have got to be kidding me?' Jessi shouted up at him, but she was already stepping back. She laughed at how impossible this would be. She sprinted forwards, mimicking Chris. Her hand latched onto the bar, but slipped off. Suddenly Chris's hand lunged forward, gripping her sleeve. She screamed, a mix of fear and happiness. Chris hauled her upwards, but there wasn't anymore room where he was perched. He fell backwards, pulling her with him. She landed on his chest with a completely undignified omph. They both burst out laughing, Jessi not caring that her shirt was ripped and frayed. She rolled off of Chris, eyes closed in the rain. Cold bit at her, but she didn't feel it. 'I love you,' she said.
'Always,' Chris's hand found hers again, 'and forever.'
'Two perfect disasters,' she laughed. Chris's hand left hers suddenly, so she sat up, only to see him walking away. He crouched in front of a bush, then walked back with something encased in his fist. He sat beside her, and unfurled his fingers. A crumpled body of a rose sat awkwardly in his palm. Its petals were creased, cracks and splits meandering down like pink, broken rivers. The thorns hid beneath the wilting flower, sharp and slick.
Chris held it out to her. 'I know it's a little dead, but-'
She leant forward and kissed him, the dying rose crushing in their intertwined hands. For the first time in a while, the thorns didn't piece her hands, the fog cleared from her jaded mind and the cloudy side felt a little more like home.
'It's perfect,' she said. And she meant it.
Last edited by annaseale1998 on Mon Nov 21, 2011 4:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"For whether a place is a hell or a heaven rests in yourself, and those who go with courage and an open mind may find themselves in Paradise." - Eva Ibbotson (Journey to the River Sea)
  





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Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:03 pm
JudyG710 says...



Other than a few grammar/spelling errors, I found nothing wrong with this piece. It was well-written, funny, sweet. Overall, I enjoyed it very much. All I can honestly say about it is to work on those few grammar/spelling mistakes. But, everyone has problems with those, so it's not that big a deal. Anyway, keep writing and may the Force be with you.
"Always believe in yourself. Do this, and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear." - Baron Humbert von Gikkingen
JudyG <3
  





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Sun Dec 11, 2011 4:36 am
Kale says...



lock of dark, drenched hair

the thorns didn't pierce her hands

Watch your spelling.

Jessi threw her pink, £15 heels to the floor.

Two things about this sentence struck me as odd. First, what is the significance of the price? It comes out of nowhere, and I'm not sure if this is supposed to be an indication of cheapness or what. Second, I thought they were outside? Floors are indoors; the ground is outdoors.

'You have got to be kidding me!'

An exclamation point makes more sense since she's shouting, and also because the way it's phrased isn't really a question.

Suddenly Chris's hand lunged forward, gripping her sleeve.

Oooh. The dreaded "suddenly". It's such a difficult word to use at the start of the sentence without feeling contrived, and I'd highly recommend you find a different way to get across how quickly Chris's hand is moving. Something like "She barely realized she was falling before Chris's hand was grabbing her sleeve" would work better.

Overall, this was a cute story. Not much else to say other than that.
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