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Ladybug



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Mon Nov 21, 2011 1:39 pm
Amfliflier says...



Hi! I just wanted to know what you thought of this story I wrote. Reviews are appreciated! :)

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“And the ladybug hugged her parents, knowing they’d always be there for her.” Miss Dee closed my favorite book, and we all started to clap. This story made me happy every time I heard it, because it reminded me of my Mommy and Daddy. They would always read me a book before I went to bed, and this was my favorite.

“Okay boys and girls, it’s time for art! Let’s all head down to the art room! Today, we’re going to be painting!” We had been waiting for our turn to paint ever since we started school. Now that it was late January, we were finally going to paint! Miss Dee said she was waiting until we could be trusted with the paint, and now she trusted us. We all lined up at the door when the phone rang.

“Wait here class.” She ran to answer the phone, while we talked amongst ourselves. “Yes, I can do that. Thanks.” She hung up and looked around the room.

“Class, Samantha and I need to go down to the office.” I started to wonder what they needed me for. I don’t think I did anything bad. “Can I trust you guys to go to the art room by yourselves?” All the other kids nodded and grinned toothless grins.

“Go ahead, and I’ll come check on you in a minute. Okay?” “Yes” echoed around the room. They filed out the door like a snake, leaving me in the wake of their happiness.

“Miss Dee! Why don’t I get to paint with the other kids?” I whined. “Now they all would have painted without me!”

“Don’t worry, you can paint some other time. Go grab your stuff please.” I wandered over to my cubby hole, grabbing my ladybug lunchbox and my pink backpack.

She walked me down the hall, promising me that next class we could paint again so I wouldn’t miss out. I pouted, only half listening. Everybody else would have still painted before I got to. Grandma was waiting at the office when I got there.

“Grandma!” I shouted. I ran into her arms. She hugged me tight for a long time, even though I had already stopped hugging her back. She put me back down and looked at me really sad, but nothing sad was happening right now. Maybe she was sad too, because I didn’t get to paint.

“Why are you here Grandma? Are we gonna go get ice cream?” The first thing Grandma and me always did was go get ice cream. I’d always get chocolate with rainbow sprinkles, and she would always get something called rum raisin.

“No sweetie, we can’t go get ice cream.” Her eyes teared up again. Miss Dee tapped her on the shoulder and they went into the other room. I went to go look at the fish in the tank. They came back and Miss Dee looked upset. She also gave me a hug, then went over to the art room.

“Grandma, I don’t wanna leave. All the other kids are painting right now, and I’m missing it!” She shook her head.

“No, we have to go. I’m sorry Sammy.”

I sat in my car seat in the back of Grandma’s car. We drove through the city, so I thought we might be going out to lunch. But then we pulled up in front of this big building with lots of cars in it. She drove in and we kept driving around in big circles until we pulled in next to a big truck and a car that looked just like ours. We walked up some stairs until we were in a big white hallway. It smelled bad, like soap, Auntie’s hairspray, and smelly flowers. But I liked it a little more when a man walked by carrying a big bunch of balloons. They all said, “Get Well Soon!” and they were sparkly.

“Grandma? Can I have one of those?” She didn’t answer me, because just then Mommy came running down the hallway crying.

“Mommy!” She scooped me up and held me for a really long time. Grandma held her hand too. We walked back to a room with a lot of people in it. When I looked up they were all people I knew. They all heard us come into the room, and they gathered around me, telling me it’ll be okay. I was really confused, so I decided to ask.

“Why is everyone here? Why did I have to leave school?” Everyone went silent, and no one wanted to answer me. Auntie spoke up.

“Well Sammy, your Daddy got into an accident. With his motorcycle.” I squirmed out of Grandma’s arms and walked over to the body on the bed. His head was all bandaged up, and I couldn’t see his face. He looked like one of my dolls when I played Doctor, but this was real, and I cared a lot more about my Daddy than my dolls.

“What’s wrong with him?” I asked. I wasn’t even sure if anyone could hear me, but at this point I didn’t care. I just wanted to know that my Daddy was okay.

“He’s in a coma.” Grandma answered solemnly. I turned to look into the tear-filled eyes of my family.

“What’s that?” I didn’t understand. I didn’t really understand anything that was going on anymore.

“He’s asleep, Samantha. He will be for a long time.”

Eventually, Mommy made me go back to school. Every time Miss Dee asked me if I wanted to paint, I said no. I didn’t want to do anything anymore, especially play Doctor with my dolls.

Nothing was as fun as it used to be, and I wasn’t learning anything in school anymore. Mommy even suggested I take kindergarten again next year. I didn’t care, they’d probably make me take it again the year after that.

Although, I actually did learn something then. I didn’t feel like playing anymore, but I did learn things. I wanted to know if Daddy could hear me, since everyday when we’d go to the hospital, I’d hold his hand and talk to him. I also learned that most people do wake up from comas, and it usually only took a few weeks.

Mommy shook me awake early on a Sunday morning.

“Get up Sammy. Wake up Honey.” She shook me lightly, stirring me from my coma of sleep, like I wish I could do for Daddy. She had an uncertain smile on her face.

“Why are we up so early?” I asked, looking at my flower clock on the wall. She smiled really big this time.

“The hospital called. They say Daddy might wake up today. We’re going to be there when he does.” She didn’t even finish by the time I was out of bed. She got some clothes out for me and I put them on and in under five minutes, I had brushed my teeth and hair, grabbed my coat, and we were off to the hospital.

We pulled into the same spot, I noticed, that Grandma had parked in when we came here that first day. But today was totally different. Instead of being confused, I was thrilled.

We both literally ran into the hospital, and we had the labyrinth of hallways memorized to get to Daddy’s room. We were the first ones in the room, besides the doctors. The bandages had been taken off, and I could see his face. It was a combination of black, blue, and pink, but I could still recognize him under the blend of colors.

Time passed, and the doctors kept checking these beeping machines, and more family members came. There was no news about exactly when Daddy was going to wake up, until around noon. The doctors started bustling around, and all of a sudden, Daddy took a big breath. We all held ours, waiting to see what would happen next.

“Daddy.” I whispered breathlessly. He opened his mouth and made some weird sounds like he was figuring out his mouth again. We held eye contact the whole time, and I noticed he looked kind of confused during all of this, but we finally heard something that sounded like words.

Without breaking eye contact, he said slowly, “Who are you?”
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

Everyday is Earth Day! :D
  





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Mon Nov 21, 2011 3:46 pm
creativityrules says...



Hello there!

I have to say, I love this story. When I started reading it and seeing the direction in which the story was going, I hoped that it wouldn't become stereotypical. I mean, quite a few people write about other people getting in accidents! I wasn't disappointed at all in this story. Anything negative I do have to stay about this story is simply me nitpicking.

“Go ahead, and I’ll come check on you in a minute. Okay?” “Yes” echoed around the room. They filed out the door like a snake, leaving me in the wake of their happiness.


As a whole, I like this part of the story. There's one part of it that does seem a tad off to me, the part about the other children filing out of room 'like a snake.' I understand what you're trying to say, but I don't think that using the comparison was completely successful, either. In my eyes, it seems a little bit awkward. It could just be me.

“Miss Dee! Why don’t I get to paint with the other kids?” I whined. “Now they all would have painted without me!”


There's something wrong with the usage of the word 'would' in the second sentence. I think that the proper form of the word 'will' in this instance is 'will.'

All in all, very nice work! Always keep writing!!

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  





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Mon Nov 21, 2011 4:38 pm
barefootrunner says...



Oh, bliss! You have fabulous grammar, perfect control over the topic and a biting ending. I like your style, it feels distilled and well-edited.

You took a long time to get to the point, but that's okay because you introduced the main character -- plonk -- into the readers' mind. I would have enjoyed it more if it had a spark of dry humour in it to even out the morbidity, but that kind of thing depends from reader to reader. The main character was somewhat flat to me, but all in all it was a really good story, professionally done and I am crazy about your grammatical correctness! That kind of thing is rare -- hang on to it with your life and defend it with your teeth!

Loved it!
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts" - Einstein
  





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Mon Nov 21, 2011 7:49 pm
Amfliflier says...



Thank you guys for your comments! It's greatly appreciated. :)
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

Everyday is Earth Day! :D
  





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Sat Dec 10, 2011 3:45 pm
eldEr says...



Hi Amfi! Sorry it took me so long to get to this- I've been a bit distracted lately.

There's not a whole lot I can point out about the story, because I really thoroughly enjoyed it. The voice was excellent, and you seemed to have first-person-really-little-kid mastered (for the most part, which is one of the few things I can think of to point out right now).

Samantha was adorable- the typical naive kindergartner. I don't have much to say about her, other than that I find her obsession with ladybugs funny in the best sort of way. Honestly, there isn't a whole lot to say there that I could be helpful about. You don't learn a lot about her mother's character, but that wasn't really the point of the story, so I won't be nit-picky about that (although it would be nice to see a bit more of her mother... maybe... I just woke up so I'm still a little foggy in the brain xD Just... disregard anything I said about her mother).

The one thing I didn't like was you never told us how long her father was in a comma for. It got to the point where her mom thought that she might have to take kindergarten again, which in retrospect means that it was probably longer than a few weeks. I mean, you can get very behind in a few weeks, but to actually think that you'd have to repeat the grade would take at least a month and a half. I think, anyways. But me, being the picky person I am, was wondering about that the entire time. Was it actually only a few weeks, the majority of the school year, a couple months?

The second and last thing I could think of to point out was that you had her voice mastered throughout most of the story, but there were a couple of spots where I went: "why would a kindergartner who doesn't know what a coma is know that word?"

For example:

We both literally ran into the hospital, and we had the labyrinth of hallways memorized to get to Daddy’s room.


Okay, so this sentence was the one that stood out the most. 'Literally' would probably be an okay word to use- except for the way you phrased the sentence prior to the word. It sounded like it was coming from the voice of someone much older. And then there was labyrinth... I don't see why a kid her age who, like I said, doesn't know what a coma is would know what a labyrinth is. But maybe that's just me, too. There were a few examples of that, but otherwise, you really did have the voice mastered.

If you have any questions, shoot me a PM! :)

Keep writing,
~~Ish.
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
  








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