Young Writers Society

Heather walked down the street and into the gates leading to the high school. The next thing that happened is her books went flying all over the entrance. A guy from behind her decides to help her pick up her books.
"I'm sorry. I don't know how this happened." Heather cried.
"Its okay. I haven't seen you around. What's your name?" He asked.
"I'm Heather, and I started last week." Heather replied. She couldn't get her eyes off his well trimmed hair.
"I'm Micheal Briggs." He smiled.
"Oh. Nice name." Heather blushed.
He gave her the last book off the ground and before they started on their way. A girl appears yelling at Micheal.
"Calm down, Sharon!" He exclaimed.
"I told you not to flirt with other girls and now I find you trying to talk to this freshman?" Sharon yelled.
"She is ugly too." Her friend stood beside her.
"Listen, I was not flirting with her. Why don't you two quit stalking me?" He cried.
"Me and Nelly will deal with you later." Sharon pointed at heather. Sharon, Nelly and Micheal winced off to their class.
Heather just wants to get to class. She sat down in each class and then went to gym. In the locker room alone looking at her blond locks in the mirror. She heard a few girls walk in laughing. She sat in her stall and heard their conversation. One girl had Nelly's voice.
"My plan is to break up Sharon and Micheal so that i can have him all to myself." Nelly announced.
It all makes sense to Heather. Sharon is insecure because Micheal has been flirting with Nelly but little does Sharon know Nelly likes him back!

Okay, first off I would like to say that your main idea and situation of the story is brilliant! But, I would also like to say that there are a few errors in my eyes. Like you don't have a grabber or a hook in your opening sentence.

Heather walked down the street and into the gates leading to the high school. The next thing that happened is her books went flying all over the entrance. A guy from behind her decides to help her pick up her books.

This, doesn't really grab my attention. If I were the one writing it I would say something along the lines of "Heather, the new girl of the school, was off to a bad start as she walked into her new high school. So far today she had already burnt her toast, tripped over her shoe lace, and forgot her glasses at home. But the worse was yet to come when she arrived at school, someone shoved into her sending her books flying all over the entrance. As she bends over to start collecting her books, the guy that shoved into her grabs a book and hands it to her." Which would also change the next line to something like "I'm sorry, you don't have to help me." Next thing is when you said

"I'm Heather, and I started last week." Heather replied. She couldn't get her eyes off his well trimmed hair.

You should take out the second "Heather" and replace it with "she replied, and couldn't manage to take her eyes off of his well trimmed hair." Also you wrote

"Me and Nelly will deal with you later." Sharon pointed at heather. Sharon, Nelly and Micheal winced off to their class.

the correct way to say it is "Nelly and I". Another thing that I found that I believe could use a little work was

Heather just wants to get to class. She sat down in each class and then went to gym. In the locker room alone looking at her blond locks in the mirror. She heard a few girls walk in laughing. She sat in her stall and heard their conversation. One girl had Nelly's voice.

I would write it more like "Heather was done with all the embarrassment and just wanted to get through all of her classes already. But when she got to gym, more drama seemed to begin all over again. As she was checking her blonde locks in the mirror she over heard a conversation outside her stall, it was Nelly and a few other girls laughing. Heather didn't want to hear anything about what they had to say but, she also wanted to know if they were talking about her, so she listened in a little closer." And now, last but not least the closer could use a little help,

It all makes sense to Heather. Sharon is insecure because Micheal has been flirting with Nelly but little does Sharon know Nelly likes him back!

I would write something like "It all makes sense now! Nelly must have seen Micheal talking to her so she told Sharon to make her mad and cause a fight between the two! And with Sharon's insecurities about Micheal flirting with Nelly, Sharon must believe that he wasn't just flirting with Nelly but Heather also! But little does Sharon know that Micheal might not be the only one flirting, but Nelly is too." it leaves a little mystery like 'is Sharon going to break up with Micheal?' 'what does Heather do with this information?' 'Does Nelly ever end up with Micheal?' and so on.

This needs some improvement. And not just with the things the last reveiwer mentioned.
This story has nothing to bring the reader in and engage them in it. The writing is a little choppy in places:

The next thing that happened is her books went flying all over the entrance.

This sounds completely off. How about just, "Her books went flying all over the entrance."? It's concise, and it says what it needs to say.

Your ending is also very shaky.

It all makes sense to Heather. Sharon is insecure because Micheal has been flirting with Nelly but little does Sharon know Nelly likes him back!

Why just state it like that? Why not use the story to make it clear to the reader that's she's insecure. You're supposed to 'show' the story, not 'tell' it.
You have an okay plot, but when you write it the way you did it sounds hokey and boring. But still, good idea.

ty for the reviews!Im going to add more soon.

the idea of it is amazing....but as previously said it's a bit choppy in places....stop telling people whats happening and start showing them. that would do it.

Hey Hermes! You reviewed one of my pieces, so I'm here to return the favor and review one of yours!

First, let's get through the nitpicks:

Heather walked down the street and into the gates leading to the high school. The next thing that happened is her books went flying all over the entrance. A guy from behind her decides to help her pick up her books.

The verb tenses here are all wonky. They keep going through that throughout the story. Pick one tense (present or past) and take a quick read-through again and adjust so that they all match.

"I'm sorry. I don't know how this happened." Heather cried.

"Its okay. I haven't seen you around. What's your name?" He asked.

This is a much more technical thing, but the dialogue is formatted wrong. It should look like this:
"I'm sorry. I don't know how this happened," Heather cried.

"It's okay. I haven't seen you around. What's your name?" he asked.

Here's an article that goes in-depth and explains the rules of punctuating dialogue that should really help you out. I know it helped me back when I was learning how to punctuate dialogue!

Sharon, Nelly and Micheal winced off to their class.

How does one "wince" off to class? Maybe try another verb that makes sense

It all makes sense to Heather. Sharon is insecure because Micheal has been flirting with Nelly but little does Sharon know Nelly likes him back!

This is an interesting twist! But I'd love to see this shown throughout the story, so that I could come across this realization as a reader along with Heather as a character. This story is a really interesting one, but as it stands it's pretty choppy and speedy. Try slowing it down and giving more description to what is happening, include more scenes that show us that Nelly and Michael might have feelings for each other, rather than just telling us here at the end.
Here's an article that talks about showing versus telling, which can help you learn how to give more depth to this story and give this awesome idea the awesome story it deserves.

Other than that, nice concept! I'd love to see this story improve and get even better! Keep writing!

-Lauren-