Young Writers Society

~I'm Not Asking You to Cry At My Funeral~

When the doctor showed me the picture of my brain, I thought it was beautiful. The grey part looked like it had been gently shaped by a breeze, like the dust of snow gliding across the pavement in ripples under the moonlight. And the spots reminded me of our first dog, the Dalmatian you said you hated. But the doctor's expression was severe, and you were crying. And you let Dad hold your head to his chest and rock you back and forth. But when the doctor said "three months," he didn't know it would be closer to three weeks.

You don't have to cry. You know - at my funeral. Heck, I don't even want a funeral. Just spread my ashes someplace nice. Don't keep me nearby. Why waste your money on a funeral? You could make a nice donation to that cancer organization. On second thought, you probably shouldn't make a donation like that in honor of someone who didn't even put up a fight.

In that case, I'm sure that suicide hotline would appreciate the money. On second thought, it didn't really help me. So in that case, maybe you and Dad should take that trip to Ireland you've always talked about. You used to tell me you'd been saving for years to go. Why waste it all on a funeral? On the other hand, every time you take the money out of your pocket, you'd think of me. I don't want to ruin Ireland for you.

So in that case, go ahead and give me a funeral.

But I'm not asking you to cry.




-Sea-

Wow, I really like this. I'll be back this weekend to review. :]

On second though, you probably shouldn't make a donation like that in honor of someone who didn't even put up a fight.
thought

I'm Not Asking You To Cry At My Funeral was simply sensational. The simplicity it delivered but the remarkability of the story would give everyone occasional retrospectives. You know what? I'm lost with my words. This is just insanely wicked! The story... the concept... the writing style ... the EVERYTHING, it was awesome. I don't even know how to review this in a formal way. I found nothing wrong about it except that typographical error above. I don't know what to tell you, but even though I find my words back, it would only result to again positive remarks. I would only waste time giving fancy words, yet with these current words you already feel good about this work.

Generally, this story is amazing. One of the best works I've read since I'm only new to reviewing works. Two thumbs up.

This was really great. I'm a big fan of the second person point of view. The detail in this was extremely well done; as a reader, those first few lines captivated me.

Aww.... this is really sad. (As in good-tragic sad, not really-lame-writing-sad.) I almost cried. Someone did a monologue on cancer in my theatre class, and this reminded me of it - the hopelessness of it all when you have brain cancer.

At first I was kind of confused when you said 'he didn't know it would be three weeks' part, but then when I figured it out it was even better. I like the foreshadowing. (Although it could just be that I'm tired and not really thinking... but either way I like it. XD)

Hi, Searria!

I agree with everyone that this was very well done. It pulled me in, oddly enough. The voice was very good! There was a lot of character in the narration, and that's probably what made it feel so... well, awesome! It gave us a good glimpse into personalities and backgrounds in just a few paragraphs.

A couple things that you can choose to ignore, but they did come to mind anyway! I really did love this. The first paragraph seemed out of place, though. They thought the picture was beautiful, so we're in this morbid/sad mood, and then the narrator moves on into the next paragraph feeling humble and guilty. It might've just been me, but the tone seemed to jump there. I'm kind of confused if the narrator is happy to be dead orrrr what. Maybe that paragraph doesn't have any significance to it. IT does get a bit rambly with the description -- a bit purple prose-y.

The one other thing is that the next two paragraphs felt a bit rambly, BUT. I'm not sure if that's a bad thing. It was kinda cool, so I might actually be praising that rather than suggesting a change. ...Yeah. Awesome! Though that last bit when the narrator finally gives in to the funeral because the parents think of them whenever they see the money? It didn't make much sense to me. That's probably just me though, so. xD

I don't have much else to comment on though. I'd just look at the tone of the piece, which will further strength your narrator's character, then fix up that first paragraph. It's a short piece, so there's not much else to suggest, on my end! It's simple. Well done!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

The first paragraph was very strong. It brings the narrator's personality into focus and the voice is unique. I like the idea of being shown a picture of terminal cancer and reacting with awe. The second and third paragraphs, however, lose that confidence you showed in the first. The second and third paragraphs hem and haw and go back and forth and don't exhibit any of that quiet awe you showed us in the first. I would have much preferred if the narrator knew what he/she wanted them to do. If he/she said donate the money and benefit this or that...and then maybe you could talk about the trip to Ireland as a means of forgetting the narrator or taking a break from all this sadness instead of as an alternative to the previous suggestion. Because to have that strong thrust in the first paragraph and then flip flop later on just kills the direction that we enjoyed earlier.

Also, the second and third paragraphs become much more colloquial. The first paragraph is something you would only write--similes and metaphors and whatnot--but then you're saying, "Heck, I don't even want a funeral" and it breaks the flow.

And then you butt in that single line about the suicide hotline. Ugh, please remove that. It's dangling there like a loose scab and just doesn't look or sound good.

And the ending ("so in that case, go ahead and give me a funeral") made me think of "If you give a mouse a cookie." You meander, go here, then there, then end up where you began as if by accident and it's just like in those old sitcoms where Lucy does something silly and funny and cute and they go

*shrug* "Oh you" *laugh*

And it becomes almost comical instead of introspective.

So my suggestion would be to keep the first paragraph and to try to continue that quiet strength of writing into the next paragraphs. You can still mention some of the same ideas, but just be more sure of yourself and carry the narration with confidence.

EDIT: I could also do without that phrase "in ripples under the moonlight." That little bit is just a tad overboard with the purpleness.

Hello Searria H.,

That short and simple but at the same time very moving. The beauty behind your words is incredible and you have conveyed a lovely message here. Everything in this is so pure and sad at the same time and the ammount of different feelings expressed in this piece is phenomenal. This would have to be one of the best pieces have read and everything about this was so amazing. I love everything you have expressed in this and I can't tell you enough how awesome this was, definitely something you should be proud of!

The first thing that I would recommend though is making subtle hints about what is happening to the person rather than giving it away immediately, as in show rather than tell. I think it would involvce more thought on the readers behalf and it would make people think and consider what you're saying more and I think as a result it will make this passage even more powerful than it already is. that's just a suggestion though, you already did a fantastic job of convying the message in this.

On second thought, you probably shouldn't make a donation like that in honor of someone who didn't even put up a fight.

and

On second thought, it didn't really help me. So in that case, maybe you and Dad should take that trip to Ireland you've always talked about.

Notice the repetition of "on second thought" in the second and third paragraph? You need to take out the second one of those, it sticks out like a sore thumb and it just doesn't make sense.

My favorite line in this piece would have to be this:

You don't have to cry. You know - at my funeral. Heck, I don't even want a funeral. Just spread my ashes someplace nice.

because it was so pure and unselfish and it was just them expressing their true emotions.

Keep up the really good writing this is incredible. I really hope to see more of this writing around. You have an amazing writing style and I loved this whole work. Sorry that this review was short this was such a lovely piece and I struggled to find anything wrong with it. Great job sea, you have written an amazing work and this was really fantastic, Pm me if you have anything you want to ask or comment about!

From DreamingForever