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Young Writers Society


A Four Letter Word Called Hope



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Gender: Female
Points: 300
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Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:40 am
Jennee says...



Late June dusk was rapidly approaching from all directions on the town of Bloomfield, Vermont, closing in on the two hundred and fifty some residents like a cozy blanket. Local parks and boardwalks were clearing out and porch lights and televisions were being turned on. A slight breeze wafted the smell of till all hours barbecues through the slightly cracked but nonetheless paved roads. The yellow dividing line in the center was fading; I noticed this with gloom as I placed one scuffed sneaker in front of the other, walking the line as if it was a tightrope hundreds of feet in the air. The line was fading, just like everything else in this town.

I was looking for you; Mom sent me after you didn’t show up for dinner. She said that I know you best, if anyone really knows you at all. I’m sure that no one does. The only other living souls I past on my journey was a pair of lovers, walking hand in hand on the side of the rode, Jesse West who I vaguely knew from school was biking and gave me a wave and a grin as he passed, and I believe I saw a stray cat skirt between some trees, most likely off to the kind hearted folks who would feed it next.

As I turned into the business district, my eyes took in the sight like an old woman staring at her reflection, thinking wistfully back to her teenage days of curves and long, billowing hair. It was like looking at a friend who you hadn’t seen in years, wondering where the time went and how everything changed. What once had been a blissfully booming street in Bloomfield now consisted of mostly run down, boarded up stores, with the rare small apartment atop them that still had a light on.

Walking up the stone path to the library was the only thing that I found any comfort in. I looked down at my feet as I moved, thinking back to how many times they’ve traced the same route. Only usually back then, there’d be a person by my side, holding my small hand in his larger one.

You.

Times have changed, but not that much. I still knew you better than your own daughter ever did. That’s why I came straight here and didn’t stop at the places that would seem most obvious to most people- the small park on our block where people of all ages liked to go and converse, the ice cream parlor that remained open which was famous throughout the state for its soft-serve, or even the bandshell, where, if no entertainment was present, mostly teenagers hung around after dark and smoked in huddled groups.

The heavy oak doors which were once mysterious and inviting as a child now felt like they were leading to a dungeon in which no escape was possible. My eyes were still fixated on the on my shoes, which now were walking on crimson carpeting; I mumbled a greeting to the librarian, Ms. Garland. “Adelaide, dearest.” She called out to me as I passed. “He’s in the back.”

As if I didn’t know that already.

I made my way into the secluded sitting area behind all the towering shelves of fiction and paused. It consisted of tables and red leather chairs and dim light. All in all, an elegant library. Many people used to come and go, but now it had quieted down just like the rest of the town. Since the daytime buzz of kids checking out picture books and the steady hum of preteen girls borrowing romance novels had ended, there was only you left. You hadn’t noticed me yet; that didn’t surprise me, you never did when you were reading. It was as if your withered hands could just not flip the pages as fast as your eyes could drink in the words. The sight of you reading always amazed me, even as a small child. I remember being right next to you at times. I remember that when I was, I could never concentrate on what I was reading because when you were reading, it was a magical thing and required my full attention.

Not unlike now. I was paralyzed on the spot, thinking back to a time when I was tiny enough to crawl into your lap and read with you .

You looked up, then. It was just a tiny break to push your glasses back up your nose from where they had slid down. Though, now that you’ve noticed me standing there, you just stared right back at me.

“Ruby, sweet, what time is it?” You’re voice was weak and hoarse with age.

I swallowed and ignored the fact that you didn’t know who I was. “It’s late; we were worried when you didn’t show for dinner.”

You chuckled and said, “Ah, but this place does get the best of me at times. Spent most of my life, here, didn’t I? This is where I met your mother, did you know?”

“Yes.” I whispered, blinking as to not let the moisture escape from my eyes. “Yes, i’ve heard the story many times.”

You ignored this last statement and pulled yourself from the armchair in which you sat. “I found something great today- a novel about the history of Bloomfield! Amazing, isn’t it? Not just those awful picture books with the short little captions- a real novel, with everything you can imagine about this place! For a small town it’s rich in history!”

At least it’s rich in something, I thought.

You talked like this as you headed to the counter. No one else would notice anything wrong with you. Ms. Garland didn’t as she smiled and said, “you two have a nice evening.”

Though I sure did. It started happening months ago, little things that everyone does at some point and should not raise alarm. However, this was my grandfather we were talking about; you’d never lose your glasses or put your shoes on the wrong feet. No one would listen. I was a teenager and I was being silly.

Then you started calling me by my mother’s name. Not even my mother herself could deny that something was wrong.

My father talked sense into her and said, “Ruby, he’s your father. Get him help.” The doctor called it old age. Let life take its course.

“You know, Ruby,” You said as we walked together en route home. “It’s like old times. Before your mother died and we were happy...”

When I didn’t offer anything, you continued.

“I know I complain a lot about living with you and Rick, but truly, I appreciate it. If the situation was on my hands, truth be told I probably wouldn’t have taken you in. And your home is much better than going to an old folk’s one. Though that’s probably where I belong by now” You gave a wheeze.

I stayed silent. What was one to do during a situation like this?

As we continued walking we passed more old, dark, covered buildings. Yet you didn’t seem to notice when you said, “Isn’t it beautiful, Ruby? Such a lovely place.”

In later times maybe I would realize you maybe weren’t as delusional as I thought. Maybe i’d comprehend that you could see the beauty and hope in this abandoned town when everyone else just continued giving up.

Though at that moment, all I could think was that life wasn’t fair. What was the point of fighting to get old if age would just take the best of you away? The two most important things to you were this town, and me, your granddaughter.

Yet, now you cannot perceive either as they truly are.
Last edited by Jennee on Mon Dec 05, 2011 10:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Fri Dec 02, 2011 1:16 pm
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Ranger51 says...



Hi there! This is really good! You have a great way of adding little details in the story that make it personal - little flashbacks and memories that make the town hold more meaning.

I noticed one little blip in the first paragraph - just a little nitpick that I thought might be useful in the future:

The yellow dividing line in the center was fading; I noticed this with gloom as I placed one scuffed sneaker in front of the other, walking the line as if it was a tightrope hundreds of feet in the air.
This sentence bothered me a little, because with the semicolon you had to get a little wordy. I'd suggest, for sentences like that one, using a comma instead: "The yellow dividing line in the center was fading, I noticed with gloom as..." It continues the smooth flow you've created earlier in the paragraph and it's less wordy. That may just be personal preference, though.

Also, I noticed a spelling mistake.

I made my way into the secluded sitting area behind all the towering shelfs of fiction and paused.
That's spelled 'shelves'.

But really, besides those two things, I can't find anything wrong with this - great job! I really like it. You had a very consistent tone and style, and it pulled me along really well. Alzheimer's (at least, that's what I guess this is) is so sad - it's a tough but interesting thing to write about. Keep it up!
"We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
-Fahrenheit 451
  





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Mon Dec 05, 2011 4:06 pm
sargsauce says...



Not too shabby!

Some pointers:
Maybe a different title? This one is a little too...corny, maybe? On one hand, it's okay because of its muted tone and the reference that "hope" is a four-letter word among others. On the other hand, the word "hope" just feels too...christmas-special/young adult romance-y.

Check your homonyms.
"I past on my journey" should be "I passed on my journey" (because "past" means "earlier in time" and "passed" is the action of passing something)
"your home is much better then going..." should be "much better than going..." (because "than" is the version used for comparisons)
"You’re voice was weak..." should be "Your voice was weak..." (because "You're" is "You are" and "Your" is possession)

Also check your dialogue punctuation.
“Yes.” I whispered

"Yes," I whispered...
she smiled and said, “you two have

and said, "You two have"
“You know, Ruby,” You said

"You know, Ruby," you said.
“Adelaide, dearest.” She called out

"Adelaide, dearest," she called out...

Okay, now I'll get to the meat and potatoes of it.
I appreciate the mood of your opening paragraph, but opening a story with a description of the weather and the setting is really kind of dull. We have no attachment to it and you aren't doing anything particularly interesting with your sentences. In fact, if anything, you're showing a bit of tired disinterest in the town. Well, if you're going to be disinterested, so are we, the reader. So save those kinds of things for when you've already gotten our attention...not before.

I’m sure that no one does. The only other living souls I past on my journey was a pair of lovers

I would have preferred a paragraph break between these two lines. They just bleed into each other otherwise and we don't get a chance to pause on the "I'm sure that no one does."

I liked the passages where you describe the town. But I feel like its a bit impersonal. She sees these things, and they are just things. But then you follow it up with this line:
What once had been a blissfully booming street in Bloomfield now consisted of mostly run down, boarded up stores, with the rare small apartment atop them that still had a light on.

and you've surprised the reader. You weren't leading up to this at all. She saw some lovers, some guy she might've known, a stray cat, an old lady (and here you give the slightest of hints)...then she announces that the place is a dump. Quite suddenly. No preparation. I would have liked some pointed observations that prepared us for the idea and gave us examples.

the stone path to the library was the only thing that I found any comfort in

For example, here. What, previously in the story, did she not find comfort in?

the small park on our block where people of all ages liked to go and converse,

This was a really boring phrasing. Can you think of any other way to describe the park without sounding like a lazy advertiser? "where people of all ages liked to go and converse" is dead on arrival.

even the bandshell, where, if no entertainment was present, mostly teenagers hung around after dark and smoked in huddled groups

And here. Your wording is blocky and dead. Can you convey the idea without having to say every little word? Like maybe "even the bandshell, where huddled groups of teens laughed and smoked in the dark most nights." It takes out mouthful phrases like "if no entertainment was present" and throwaway stuff like "hung around after dark."

doors which were once mysterious and inviting as a child

No big deal, but missing a couple words. Without them, it makes it seem like you're talking about when the doors were a child.

The sight of you reading always amazed me, even as a small child. I remember being right next to you at times. I remember that when I was, I could never concentrate on what I was reading because when you were reading, it was a magical thing and required my full attention.

I like this idea. But can you tell us about it in a way that captures the imagination of the reader the way his reading captured the narrator's? "It was a magical thing and required my full attention" doesn't capture our imagination and doesn't make it seem "magical" to us. Give us something mysterious or engaging.

This is where I met your mother, did you know?”

It's only a few paragraphs later where you reveal to us the relationship between the two. But in that span of time, I was quite confused and trying to figure out whether you had made a mistake or we had made a mistake or what...

In later times maybe I would realize you maybe weren’t as delusional as I thought.

You've jumped to this quite suddenly. Give us something to see how sharp the grandfather secretly may be. Let him say something that sticks with her, even if it weren't true or if the truth was ambiguous.

Maybe i’d comprehend that you could see the beauty and hope in this abandoned town

Which is what? Give us something. Also, capitalize that "I'd".

I would have liked to see more interaction between the two of them. You spent all this time leading up to the grandfather, and then we meet, and the narrator is almost completely silent. There is almost no conversation. We don't learn anything about the two of them and not much sticks with the reader. You spend all of your time talking about the town and the grandfather, but don't flesh out her relationship with either.

Anyway, your tone and pace is thoughtful and mature and I enjoyed that. I would like to see you flex your muscles a little and test out your sea legs, though. Try to shake things up a little. Dare to move the earth. Examine the relationship and peel away the layers and show us something that really matters to the narrator.

Well, kudos.
  





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Mon Dec 05, 2011 5:40 pm
Niebla says...



The last two reviewers have already said a lot of the things I wanted to say, but I still thought I'd review this quickly - because I really liked it. The pace was steady and the story poignant. The fact that your narrator was addressing one person in particular definitely kept me reading and on edge. I wanted to find out who that person was!

The only things I can really find wrong with this - and even then, they aren't really things which are wrong so much as things which could be done to improve - are the fact that the pace is maybe a little too steady and that the character of the grandfather isn't explored very much. It would be nice if there was a little more action in it so that the readers could truly get to know both characters, the way they acted and spoke.

I also noticed a few minor mistakes which I'll point out now:


Late June dusk was rapidly approaching from all directions on the town of Bloomfield, Vermont, closing in on the two hundred and fifty some residents like a cozy blanket. Local parks and boardwalks were clearing out and porch lights and televisions were being turned on. A slight breeze wafted the smell of till all hours barbecues through the slightly cracked but nonetheless paved roads. (This sentence doesn't quite seem to work. The "till all hours" isn't really in the right place, and I don't really think it's necessary to say that the roads were cracked but "nonetheless paved". The description is nice but the story would probably read a little better if you fine-tuned it and just trimmed the bits which don't quite fit. So this sentence could be: "A slight breeze wafted the smell of barbecues along the slightly cracked roads." Or something along the lines of that.) The yellow dividing line in the center was fading; I noticed this with gloom as I placed one scuffed sneaker in front of the other, walking the line as if it was a tightrope hundreds of feet in the air. The line was fading, just like everything else in this town.

I was looking for you; Mom sent me after you didn’t show up for dinner. She said that I know you best, if anyone really knows you at all. I’m sure that no one does. The only other living souls I past (that should be "passed") on my journey was (that should be "were") a pair of lovers, walking hand in hand on the side of the rode (that should be "road"). Jesse West who I vaguely knew from school was biking and gave me a wave and a grin as he passed, and I believe I saw a stray cat skirt between some trees, most likely off to the kind hearted folks who would feed it next.

As I turned into the business district, my eyes took in the sight like an old woman staring at her reflection, thinking wistfully back to her teenage days of curves and long, billowing hair. It was like looking at a friend who you hadn’t seen in years, wondering where the time went and how everything changed. What once had been a blissfully booming street in Bloomfield now consisted of mostly run down, boarded up stores, with the rare small apartment atop them that still had a light on.

Walking up the stone path to the library was the only thing that I found any comfort in. I looked down at my feet as I moved, thinking back to how many times they’ve traced the same route. Only usually back then, there’d be a person by my side, holding my small hand in his larger one.

You.

Times have changed, but not that much. I still knew you better than your own daughter ever did. That’s why I came straight here and didn’t stop at the places that would seem most obvious to most people- the small park on our block where people of all ages liked to go and converse, the ice cream parlor that remained open which was famous throughout the state for its soft-serve, or even the bandshell, where, if no entertainment was present, mostly teenagers hung around after dark and smoked in huddled groups.

The heavy oak doors which were once mysterious and inviting as a child (I'd change this to "to me". "As a child" doesn't quite fit.) now felt like they were leading to a dungeon in which no escape was possible. My eyes were still fixated on the (this is obviously a typing error!)on my shoes, which now were walking on crimson carpeting; I mumbled a greeting to the librarian, Ms. Garland. “Adelaide, dearest.” She called out to me as I passed. “He’s in the back.”

As if I didn’t know that already.

I made my way into the secluded sitting area behind all the towering shelves of fiction and paused. It consisted of tables and red leather chairs and dim light. All in all, an elegant library. Many people used to come and go, but now it had quieted down just like the rest of the town. Since the daytime buzz of kids checking out picture books and the steady hum of preteen girls borrowing romance novels had ended, there was only you left. You hadn’t noticed me yet; that didn’t surprise me. You never did when you were reading. It was as if your withered hands could just not flip the pages as fast as your eyes could drink in the words. The sight of you reading always amazed me, even as a small child. I remember being right next to you at times. I remember that when I was, I could never concentrate on what I was reading because when you were reading, it was a magical thing and required my full attention.

Not unlike now. I was paralyzed on the spot, thinking back to a time when I was tiny enough to crawl into your lap and read with you.

You looked up, then. It was just a tiny break to push your glasses back up your nose from where they had slid down. Though, now that you’ve noticed me standing there, you just stared right back at me.

“Ruby, sweet, what time is it?” You’re (this should be "your") voice was weak and hoarse with age.

I swallowed and ignored the fact that you didn’t know who I was. “It’s late; we were worried when you didn’t show for dinner.”

You chuckled and said, “Ah, but this place does get the best of me at times. Spent most of my life, here, didn’t I? This is where I met your mother, did you know?”

“Yes.” I whispered, blinking as to not let the moisture escape from my eyes. “Yes, I’ve heard the story many times.”

You ignored this last statement and pulled yourself from the armchair in which you sat. “I found something great today- a novel about the history of Bloomfield! Amazing, isn’t it? Not just those awful picture books with the short little captions- a real novel, with everything you can imagine about this place! For a small town it’s rich in history!”

At least it’s rich in something, I thought.

You talked like this as you headed to the counter. No one else would notice anything wrong with you. Ms. Garland didn’t as she smiled and said, “You two have a nice evening.”

Though I sure did. It started happening months ago, little things that everyone does at some point and should not raise alarm. However, this was my grandfather we were talking about; you’d never lose your glasses or put your shoes on the wrong feet. No one would listen. I was a teenager and I was being silly.

Then you started calling me by my mother’s name. Not even my mother herself could deny that something was wrong.

My father talked sense into her and said, “Ruby, he’s your father. Get him help.” The doctor called it old age. Let life take its course.

“You know, Ruby,” You said as we walked together en route home. “It’s like old times. Before your mother died and we were happy...”

When I didn’t offer anything, you continued.

“I know I complain a lot about living with you and Rick, but truly, I appreciate it. If the situation was in my hands, truth be told I probably wouldn’t have taken you in. And your home is much better then going to an old folk’s one. Though that’s probably where I belong by now” You gave a wheeze.

I stayed silent. What was one to do during a situation like this?

As we continued walking we passed more old, dark, covered buildings. Yet you didn’t seem to notice when you said, “Isn’t it beautiful, Ruby? Such a lovely place.”

In later times maybe I would realize you maybe weren’t as delusional as I thought. Maybe I’d comprehend that you could see the beauty and hope in this abandoned town when everyone else just continued giving up.

Though at that moment, all I could think was that life wasn’t fair. What was the point of fighting to get old if age would just take the best of you away? The two most important things to you were this town, and me, your granddaughter.

Yet, (I'd remove this comma - it slows the sentence down unnecessarily) now you cannot perceive either as they truly are.


All those things are just tiny little errors - fusiness on my part. Still, I think that you should just read through it a few more times. Editing is key to make it read as smoothly as possible.

Aside from those few things, I really, really did like this. It was a sad story but it felt very real. I know that it will stick with me for a while yet - you've done really well in writing something that meaningful!

Keep writing, :wink:

~MorningMist~
  








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