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Young Writers Society


Enclosure



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Sun Dec 04, 2011 6:57 pm
Toripopppy says...



Please. Let me be dead, please. It is too calm to be the Earth I know of, too silent, but I am in no place named heaven, as my people had formerly sworn all no longer with us dwell. I am far from it.

My eyes search desperately for light, lungs gasp for breath, heart pounds for blood. In waking, I find no relief. Engulfing my body in stone-cold seclusion, my only company are the towering walls which surround me, secure me, suffocate me. I feel weary, hazy%u2026 I must still be dreaming, for nothing is truly distinct. The grime and mud that embeds my red-raw flesh smells of home: of rotten leaves, sweet blooms of daisies, dewy vegetation heaving with life. It masks the metallic stench hanging like an angry black cloud in the air, casts away the sharpness of the disinfectant which burns my nostrils. Home wraps its arms around me, keeping me safer than the concrete I%u2019m encased in. My trembling hand stretches out, seeking warmth, but meeting emptiness.

Ink? Incinia?

A dull shaft of sunlight, filtered by the bars fastened to a pathetic ceiling window, encourage my eyes to adapt to the obscurity that embraces the room. They decline the help- I still feel blindly for her body though, only to find walls. Walls. More walls. What have they done with her? Where is my baby? What have they-?

Freeze. Covered in a thin, desiccating liquid- my fingers have found something. Squinting, I find the fluid to be crimson red in colour.

A few years back, before the Dawn, my sister and I were climbing trees in a bid to gather fruit and to hurry along time. Loosing footing on a frail branch, I fell metres to the ground, landed on my back. It felt as if the impact had blown every wisp of breath from my body, and I struggled to inhale, exhale, to move. I recognise the substance. History repeats itself: my breathing is scarce. It%u2019s the constant thudding pulse in my ears, the constant drum-beat, which declares this is not a dream. This is very real. I am very much alive. Incinia is not. My sister is not.

%u201CIncinia!%u201D The strangled cry tears from my throat, shocks my muscles into moving again. My attempt to wipe the blood off my hands is futile, causes my heart to race in a flurry of panic. Instead, I find myself thumping, striking, lashing at the barrier cutting me and my sister, my baby, in two. Come back! Come back to me! I continue to yell incoherently, as if someone is listening and understanding, as if I%u2019m not alone. Some screams sound as pitiable as a kitten%u2019s mew; my throat is thick with tears, hoarse from fatigue. Weak. Still lingering, the metallic scent finds its way to my nose. It not the smell of rusting metal anymore- it is the smell of blood. My hands throb, my eyes tingle, but I cease to stop. That is, until I try to stand and note the searing pain shooting through my leg.

Falling silent, tears blurring my vision, I slump against the wall and slide to the ground, defeated by logic. I lost myself, and I was sightless in terror, stupidity- That%u2019s not her blood. Not her blood. It%u2019s yours. For tightly wound around my left leg, a discoloured-white bandage bleeds a vivid red, faintly gleaming in the misty light.

The relief that floods over me, trickles through my veins like a cool stream on a baking summer%u2019s day, is short lived. I try to keep the stream flowing, my body deluged with liberation. But hate poisons that stream, transforms the water to acid. Not a drop of Incinia%u2019s blood has been spilt- at least, not in this room. But where is she? Where am I? Why am I here? The officials of the Dawn have taken my knowledge, taken my baby, taken my freedom. I am trapped. I am scared. I am alone. And I hate them for it.
  





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:34 pm
Niebla says...



Hey Toripopppy,

First of all, welcome to YWS! You'll find that it's amazing here.

Secondly, I loved your story. I love the vivid images your writing creates, and the beauty of the entire thing. I really, really like your style of writing. I couldn't find any real errors in the writing at all, either - normally, if I saw any, I'd point them out. The only thing I noticed are the symbols coming up instead of quotation marks but that's obviously just the computer converting the symbols wrong!

I love the title: Enclosure. It really drew me in, as did the first paragraph, and the beautiful writing kept my attention all the way through. If you developed this and made it into a longer story explaining what exactly is going on and answering some of the many questions this leaves the reader with, I'd really love to read it.

I don't really know what else to suggest, other than to keep writing. I can't wait to read more of your work; I loved reading this.

~MorningMist~
  





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Wed Dec 07, 2011 3:16 pm
sargsauce says...



Do please expand this--I imagine you will, unless you've just dropped the whole thing. I found this piece rather intriguing, compelling, and the sentences themselves are well-written. Your word choice evokes panic and desperation and the fragmented thoughts are appropriate, yet they always circle back to this Incinia person.

lungs gasp for breath, heart pounds for blood.

I liked this line because of the parallel. The lungs gasping for breath thing has been seen many times before, but it gains importance next to the heart pounding for blood line.

However, as a standalone piece, I don't understand very much about the events and the world you've created. A line like this:
as my people had formerly sworn all no longer with us dwell.

confuses more than it explains. Also, it seems like you're missing a word or two in there.

You don't really convey to us a coherent thought. Your main character is trapped and worried about Incinia. That's really all I can glean from this.

You also keep your audience in the dark for too long. I would have liked some sort of orienting facts in your first large paragraph. In that paragraph where you talk about the light, the walls, feeling weary, the mud, and the smells...my mind was scrambling for an image. Is the narrator alive? Dead? Lying down, standing, sitting, chained to a wall, trapped in a box, inside, outside, what? Especially with the "concrete I'm encased in" line, it's so vague yet so specific that you really confuse the reader there. The main character could trapped in a jail or he/she could have had cement poured over him/her or he/she could be buried in a coffin encased in cement. You see how the mind will wildly jump from one idea for the next for some sort of solid footing?

Ink? Incinia?

Without any prior knowledge, the reader has no idea what this means. I saw "ink" and knew that word and thought maybe it had something to do with darkness. I saw "Incinia" and wondered if it was a word and interrupted my reading to Google it and, when no results for definitions came up, deduce that it was some kind of name.

I find the fluid to be crimson red in colour.

A few years back,

You interrupt this tense discovery with a flashback about climbing? Not exactly the best choice you could've made.

Loosing footing on a frail branch, I fell

You want "Losing" not "Loosing." With two O's, "Loosing", it's got the soft "s" sound--as in the word "slack." But with one O, "Losing", it's a hard "s" sound--like "laser."

History repeats itself: my breathing is scarce.

So are you saying that the only purpose of the flashback about climbing is because that was also a time when the main character couldn't catch his/her breath? That's a pretty weak connection and comes across as needless. Please reconsider.

the barrier cutting me and my sister, my baby, in two

The phrasing--along with the subsequent image--is kind of disturbing.

I cease to stop.

Say what? "I stop to stop" is basically what it says.

Anyway, you've thrust us right into the action and given us questions but no answers and circumstances but no causes or effects. So, on one hand, kudos, this is an interesting and compelling scene. On the other hand, you've left out everything else--reasons, results, a world to inhabit, and any sort of characterization takes backseat to the events. We know nothing about anything and all we have is "wake up, where am I, what is this"
  





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Mon Dec 12, 2011 6:24 pm
AlucardXD says...



Hello Torripoppy! I really like the idea you have here for this story, it's very intriguing and it certainly hooked me in. I admire how your story creates such a vivid picture, and I really like your unique style of writing. I must say, I've never really read anything like it. I couldn't really find any errors in your story either, and there are certainly no errors where your wording and punctuation are concerned, which is good going for a story too. I did notice, though, that there were symbols instead of quotation marks, but that's most probably the computer putting in the wrong symbols, yeah?
I really thought the idea of such a vague yet capturing title was a perfect idea to draw the reader in, and the first paragraph is as luring as it needs to be. Your writing style is capturing and intriguing in its unique quality, and there are really no questions left unanswered by your story. All I can really say is keep up the good work, because I really don't see anything to improve, and I can't wait to read more, because so far I'm hooked ^.^ Well done!
AlucardXD
  








Poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers.
— Yevgeny Yevtushenko