Young Writers Society

Thank you guys so much. Some of you have stated that you felt you knew where the story was going from the beginning. If you had read this without seeing the title first, would you have felt the same way? I'm considering changing the title to make it less obvious at the beginning

Probably not! But the excerpt on the back cover of your book, it would be given away. XD Focus on adding more to the dynamic of father/son and less on trying to make this controversial. The best way to make this controversial is to make this conflict meaningful through character interaction.

Hey, Bear!

There's not much I'll be able to add to the mountain of praise that you've already received for this piece. But what makes this so unique is that it's totally bare. There was no narrator, no sort of description on the situation, just pure dialogue and making up such a compelling story with that alone is quite commendable.

The awkwardness of the conversation between the father and son is so clearly felt here. The growing intense atmosphere just reaches out and drags me in. I'm sorry if I don't have any critique to give you, but it's only because I truly do like the piece the way it is. You've got mad writing skills and I can definitely learn something from this to improve my poor story-writing skill, lol xD

I'm looking forward to reading more from you. So keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Really?
Like we haven't read or seen something like this before

My god, be original man...this is just a lame copy cat theme of a boy coming out to his dad, who is overly religious , to which becomes upset that his son is gay and tries to "help" him and then his goofy son goes into the "this is how i was born...I was born to be gay."

Cliche....very cliche and not original at all.

I don't have any problems with people being gay...I really don't
But unfortunately, I don't believe anyone is "born gay". With that kind of irrational logic pedophiles can easily claim the same thing that they were "born a pedophile". To which I know you and every other homosexual would say "No way, you can't be born a pedophile...you're just sick!!!"

So, to me it's a choice that homosexuals make
What exactly brings up the choice is debatable
I don't see it being sick
But peodophiles are sick...lol

DIALOGUE ONLY <3

I've loved this style every since I first encountered it on fanfiction.net when I was about, oh, 12.

Most of what I wanted to say has been said already. I agree with it being bogged down a bit in the last part, and with you doing a good job of showing what's going on. Congrats!

To me, things would be more ambiguous if the title were changed, at least for a person like me. The real giveaway paragraph is the one where the son first mentions he doesn't like sports. That's when everyone, unless they've been living under a rock or are particularly dense, will go OH. He's gay.

Mrrrhhh, this doesn't feel like a proper review. YOU DID GREAT! Though there's room for improvement. Incidentally, the only way you can avoid the "cliche" comment is if you were to present this in such a way that people go, "Oh, I've never seen done this way before. (I'm assuming, you being who you are, that you realize every story is something of a retelling, and there are only a few themes that are truly distinct from each other.) My point of view: ignore the people telling you it's cliche, except when they motivate you to improve. There is room in this world for cliche works--being cliche is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. (It's only bad when it gets to little kid show levels. The kind that go, "What color is this ball?")

So! I would really like to see you expand on this. Shoot me a pm if you do?

I must confess that this is very well written and fluid. with just dialogue you manage to convay a lot of emotion, and that is a rare talent. given how many positive reviews you've gotten, and having this piece be featured to boot, I'm sure you knew that already. you have a gift my friend, and as I finished reading this, I realized that I was impressed and offended at the same time. the gift you have is the power to convince people of an idea, and I felt like this piece used that gift in a very insideous way. I am by no means claiming that you did this intentionally, but regardless, the piece is very anti christian. Jesus Christ preached that people seek the truth, not ignorence. he preached that people love rather than hate, and accept people rather than reject them. the Christian character in this story represents everything that saddens me about the way the world is. First off, being gay is not a choice. just as I cannot choose to crave the touch of a man, they cannot crave that of a woman. secondly, even if it somehow were a choice, that is no reason to stop loving them or to be angry with them. Jesus dined with sinners, and the character in your piece along with everone like him in real life insults the memory of such a great man with their ignorence and hate.
as a Christian, I respect your right to choose whether you believe in God or not, but I greatly fear your power. every reader of this piece now has a subconsious bias against Christians. Because the antagonist of your story is Christian, so too do I and my brethren become the antagonists of other's stories. If you did intend this as an anti christian message, and are trying to spread atheism, then you will probably disregard everything I just said, but if not then I simply ask you to be careful how you use your power and keep in mind who it might effect.
your friend and brother,
---Psudiname

Despite lack of details, this piece is extremely raw and relatable. Many kids go through this every day and there is a growing number of gay teens in the world. The characters are very real, and I like that. Also, very natural diologue. Very good.

I would appreciate it if we could keep these comments about my piece, please. I realize that this is a controversial topic, but this isn't the place to voice everyone's opinions of that topic.

-Jared

This was suprisingly decent. I write alot of dialogue driven work and so I'm usually appalled at how bad and stilted alot of dialogue and char on this site are. You did a fairly good job of breathing life to bob char before the reveal. After, while it works for the story, I'll admit the dads and even the sons words feel rushed and typical, but you balance the flow quite well. I do feel that this piece needs to be continued, and you need to focus on breathing more depth to you char, as it is now this piece isn't something I'd consider front page of yws worth. I'm not trying to be harsh just trying to help.

Please don't use haha in dialogue. I hate it. It's lazy. Your writing is strong enough that your voice indicates moments of lightness and humor. Also the son I feel should be a little more tongue tied when his dad first rejects him before building up. Show anger as well as sadness and shock. His father is rejecting him, this is a big moment.
So overall a fairly solid piece. It's you decision as to whether or not to include prose. I'd consider adding some moments of desc as the length of the words is no short and punchy enough to support pure dialogue.

Hey!

You asked whether if, having not seen the title, I as a reader would have known what the story was about. I think I could have taken a pretty good guess at it. Looking through, the son's line about being confused might have given it away to me, but that's just a thought.. Also, I appreciate that I'm thinking of that from someone who knows what it's about and therefore I can't quite give you a full evaluation on it. What I would say is that the beginning, like some of the rest of the piece, feels contrived. The fact that it's not a wholly original story adds to this - but, really, that doesn't matter too much. I feel like the story as a story works, but to make it good and stand out you have to add character to it and flesh it out more than it is right now. At the moment, you have a beginning. For me, it's a good beginning. Think of it as a framework. Using just dialogue makes it a little more tricky to fill out, but if you do it well then it'll be more rewarding that just adding in a few random paragraphs of description, right? By adding a second half you're turning this from a one-shot and for that to work there needs to be more emotional investment; it needs to be something more than the scaffolding which a lot of stories like this are built around.

What you are doing is wonderful. I love the loaded dialogue, and you're pretty good at making the reader feel the intense awkwardness. Also, kudos on making this just seem very, very real rather than a few-hundred words of preaching. I really like how your writing handles a topic that some find 'touchy'.

Hope this helps, m'dear.

Amy

It was amazing! Really awesome that you pulled it off just with dialogue. I love it!
I don't write anymore and I just come to yws once or twice a month. Today when I came here the title just caught my eye, and the story caught my heart c: Since I'm in-closet bi raised in a muslim family in a moderately muslim country, I totally get the story. I think my mom will act like that if I ever tell her. Nyways, This is like one of the best stories I have ever read on yws and I am sooo sharing this!
Keep writing.

I read it, only to think that the dialogue was good and it was a riveting story. However, the message you're trying to impart is ambiguous. If you're a Christian, then perhaps this will be a story of redemption regarding the sin of homosexuality, etc. If you're coming at this from a careless point of view, then maybe you were just trying to experiment with only dialogue and decided that a sex talk would be the perfect bottomless pit to use. Either way, I wasn't sure what to get out of this piece besides the enjoyment of good dialogue.

Keep Writing!

This is interesting. I didn't find it a very skilled piece of work.
I found it strange that the father was obviously religious but used a rude word and at the end blasphemed. I thought that was unnecessary.
I also wasn't entirely sure what 'facilities' church has for dealing with gayness?
Anyway, I don't like this very much and think it needs a lot of work in making dialogue more interesting, adding plot etc.

This is such a strong piece. Such emotion. Personally I am very bias about the topic which is partially why I love this poem so much. But you know..... all and all this was basically flawless in my eyes. Keep up the good work!!! Happy Writing!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

I'm speechless. Just terrible. Just beautifully terrible. Yet so well written... You broke my heart, BBB. Dx

- Ariel.