Young Writers Society

The ground shook as the missile came crashing down. I was immediately thrown to the ground, my hands flying to shelter my head. I looked at the part of the forest the weapon had taken target on. The place was engulfed in smoke and fire.
‘To the border comrades’, I shouted to my companions. I swung the firearm over my shoulder.
‘Sir, we are a man down’ one of the soldiers reported to me. I tried not to curse out loud.
‘The missile?’ I asked. He nodded, understanding my question.
‘On your way Captain, I’ll join you soon’, I said summoning all my strength to keep my voice steady. I ran into the forest, the sooth hit my lungs making me cough copiously. The trees has been uprooted, the ground matted with ash. I caught something moving on the floor.
‘Matthew’ I called out. I rushed to his side and instantly went on the floor. The right part of his body was completely mutilated, just looking at it made me want to puke. His lips were pulled tight, forcing his body to stand the excruciating pain.
‘Matthew’ I whispered softly.
‘Jay?’ I took his free hand, holding it tightly close to me.
‘We will get you out of here brother. It’s going to be okay’ I told him. Matthew smiled lightly.
‘I am going to get the death I always wanted. A hero’s death’ he said.
‘You were always a hero. Even before death’ I assured him.
We sat in silence, looking at each other. I started counting his breaths, dreading I would have to stop. The time seemed to fly past me. Memories hit me strong. I vividly remembered the time when Matthew had jumped into a well thinking I had fallen into it while all the time I was hiding behind a tree. He was the most selfless man had seen in my entire life. He had replaced my father when I was just ten, then my mother when I turned sixteen.
‘Tell Mary I love her’ Matthew spoke with strain now. I watched helplessly as tears ran down his eyes.
‘Let William know that I am sure he is going to grown up to be the greatest man’ I could seen his eye lids flutter.
‘Mattman...’ I used my nickname for him, ‘brother, I love you.’
‘You do know this is the first time you are telling me that’. I chuckled softly. I caressed his hands as I spoke, ‘I’ll love you for life’. His breaths started to quicken, his chest heaved. He let out a gasp of pain.
‘I think it’s goodbye time’ he said through his teeth. His hold on my hand loosened, his lips trembled. Death was so close.
‘Matthew...’
‘Go Jay, defend my country…’ my whole body was trembling as I watched him take his last breath.
‘I love you Mattman’, I whispered.


My wife held my hand firmly. Giving me the extra strength, I needed. I watched as the coffin was carried away, the nation’s flag covering the casket. We looked on in respect as the last rites were being carried out. My wife looked at me startled, as a tear slid down my cheek. I had not shed a tear in the last eight years. The gun shoot ran the air, men saluted in respect to the man who had laid down his life for his country,
I? I saluted the man who was not only my brother but also my best friend. Good bye brother…

This was a great story. I really enjoyed reading it. The only problem I had with it was towards the bottom where it says

'You know do know this is the first time your telling me that'. I chuckled softly.

You didn't say who was saying that. I believe that it was Matthew. But it confused me with the "I chuckled softly." Because it makes it sound like Jay is saying it. But besides that I really liked this story.

Good luck in the contest! Hope you win!

Nice, but a little cliche. An all too rosy image of brothers (both figurative and literal) in war. The main character is heroic and his friend is wounded and dies bravely and tells him to give his regards to his loved one. We've seen this many times before, honestly. There's nothing innately wrong with doing something that's been done before, but it won't get noticed as much, the readers won't be particularly engaged, and you don't grow as a writer.

Also, this could probably benefit from being expanded upon. You thrust us immediately into the war with no context and, one quick dialogue later, we meet the dying brother. We don't know anything else about the brother except that he's dying, and that makes it hard to relate to him and feel for him.

There's nothing wrong with the narration, but you don't really aspire towards anything either. You use some stock phrases like "holding his hand tightly" and "feeling helpless" and some smiles and trembling. But nothing really hits home. You don't dig deeper and uncover fear or despair. Honestly, anybody can write a story about a heroic guy who cares about a dying comrade and he feels helpless and his comrade smiles and says, "Tell my wife I love her." Show us what makes this your story. Show us something personal and try something a little different from what you've seen in hundreds of war movies. Let us relate to your characters and feel and smell and see the things he feels and smells and sees.