Young Writers Society

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Dear Diary, is what I wrote. It was to show an introduction in some way. Isn't that who I was writing to? Or what I was writing to? Just my diary and nobody else. That is until I realised that my mother likes to pry and go through my personal belongings on a daily basis, rumaging around, flipping through pages of this 'safe place' I like to write in because she does such a crappy job of getting any honest thoughts from me any other way. Let's face it, she doesn't know me. She never will know me because she is just another person on this earth I cannot trust. I can't even trust my own diary because even that little area of safety and privacy has too been invaded.


I'm not exactly sure how it was that I started smoking, but it was last month that I got found out. I got many lectures, of course, but not your usual kind. Mine were more guilt trips actually. It was never - 'Quit smoking, Aisling. It's bad for you', but it was always - 'Quit smoking, Aisling. It's bad for your sister.' There, you have my identifier. I am not Aisling. That is my name, sure. But you are more likely to know me as Hannah's sister. I am not told to do anything for my own good but for hers. Infact for all the world it seems as if I'm living two lives and my mother thinks my sister and I are the same person. Nothing I do seems to be on my own terms in her eyes. 'You shouldn't do that, Aisling. Don't you know that your sister is ill? Don't you know she is lying in a hospital bed? You know she will never have lungs like yours? Why throw them away? Why throw your health away? She would never have done it.' Of course I know. I think about it every day and I am reminded every day. Anytime somebody asks me a question, it is about her. The first thing somebody says to me when I meet them is 'how is your sister?' I would love to be able to say she is fine but that will not be happening anytime soon, unfortunatly.
But, for once I would just like for somebody to ask me how I am and really mean it.



My mother's use of emotional blackmail has actually made me smoke more. I don't even know why. Maybe it's to prove some sort of a point that I'm not even consiously aware of. I have been complaining for the last three months about head aches, asking her for a lift to the doctor. She says she is too busy with Hannah. You see, I am here to carry other people's burdens, to make them feel less tied down because they have had a long day.

Why should I give up smoking for my own health, right? It should be for my sister, not for me. Why complain out loud? It's not like it is important anyway. I could scream it from the rooftop and it would be thrown to the side. No matter how bad I'm ever feeling - I should forget about it because it isn't important. Not in comparison to Hannah. I am not going to go into detail about my sister's illness, that is not what I am here for. I care. She has been there, while I have been here. She has been there for more time than a nineteen year old should. Meanwhile I have been here, living without her, doing things she should be doing with me. Everytime I realise she can't go to a movie with me, or she can't go to a party with me, I die a little more inside and I'm desperate to stop this blackness from growing throughout me. It spreads like wild fire and burns me out. So I will continue to do the stupid things I do, I will continue looking for some sort of control in my life and some way to make it feel like my decisions are my own. I hope I find it. I will do anything to gain that power. All I want is to feel like it's up to me what I do, it's me who it will effect and nobody else should be a part of that.

Since I seem to be rather alone on this, all I need is control, to break free from this shadow I have been living in since I was a child. Have you ever felt like you have been pushed aside for your whole life and just wanted to make something of yourself? Something you could call your own, something you did and nobody else? Something you can be proud of.

Something they can all be proud of.

Wow, I can totally relate (my little brother's autistic, younger sister potentially suicidal). I think that, despite the fact that in reality your MC is complaining, she does it in a pretty mature and relateable way. She expresses that she is sorry for her sister and clearly does seem to care about her, but does still feel that she's had an unfair lack of compassion herself. While this may just come with the angst of being a misfit teen, I do think there's some validity to it and it definitely makes you sympathize. Overall, this was really good, and I actually find the characters pretty interesting, even with only this very little window of insight into their lives and family dynamics.

Keep writing!
StoryWeaver

Hey
I really loved this its very, ummm lets say emotional in a raw way. You have such emotions in there... you didn't actually dwell on the emotions much but you still have them there. I love the way its just a little snippet but you have alot said in it.
I hope its not true though, because thats very sad. If this was a story i would have cried. Its amazing, and i know wht the first part of the story feels like... i gave up with the diary looonnnggg ago

Hi Sakura! (Nice username XD)

This was good. Emotional, yet restrained and I enjoyed it.

ALthough it's a tad reminiscent of Jodi Picoult. Have you read her books. A few of them are themed on such topics. It's emotional strength is brilliant and I'd suggest you look at some of those.

The beginning is good. The smoking bit, I mean. Strong. And well written. And clearly gets to the crux.

The bit about the Diary id good for character insight. But I'm not sure why you started with that. To show lack of privacy? Okay, but I'd like to some more recurrences of the diary in the plot.

It's a good start and I'd like to see how you develop this. PM me when you post another chapter, please?

Hey Shannon!

I've been waiting ages for you to post something. I seriously owe you a review, seeing as you review every chapter of my novel.

This isn't going to be a long review, because the piece its self is pretty short. Mostly I'm just going to be agreeing with Lava. The part about the diary is good - her lack of privacy and the way she deals with it is an insight into how the character's mind works. I do think that for it to mean anything, to give your opening line more of a purpose, you should link back to the piece being written into a diary. You could do something as little as mention how the character feels about the diary. Is it her last shot to write her thoughts down and get them out of her head. Does she feel like she's being listened to, like she's talking to the diary and it's being the best listener she's had in ages? It doesn't judge her differently because it only knows the things about Hannah that Belle tells it.

I definitely think that this piece feels like the start of a longer story. As a stand alone story, we don't know enough about the MC to really get a hang on why she's resorted to the diary. Yes, we know she feels alone and she's tired of being second place to her sister, but I want to know how she's feeling in other areas of her life. You touched on her saying that she dies more inside everytime that she realises that she can't do things with Hannah, but I want more. Does she crave a 'normal' life? Does she wish Hannah had never been sick so she could have the life of all her friends? There's so much that can be added. I think this piece, when extended, could make a great longer, short story, or even a novel.

Yeah, so great emotions. I liked the bit about her smoking. The whole smoking thing made sense and it served as reflection of her thoughts on her life. Like people would react differently if Hannah wasn't ill. It was almost like she wanted people to be mad at her for it. Does she crave attention, be it good or bad?

There's so many ways you could continue this, and I really hope you pick one and run with it. It would be great to get to review your work more often

I hope this helps!

xDudettex