Young Writers Society

“Paul? There’s a something here for you.”

He wiped the paint off his hands as he followed Jessie’s voice into the kitchen. She was sitting on a stool at the counter, the mail splayed in a semicircle around her. She held out a large manila envelope.

“Does it say where it’s from?” he asked.

“No. It doesn’t even have a return address.”

Frowning, he perched beside his girlfriend and gingerly opened the packet. When he pulled out the contents, his own face stared back at him. It was a black and white photo of a younger version of himself.

The figure in the picture was on his knees, pitched forward a little as if there had been a chasm opening between him and the photographer. He recognized the look of pain and doubt in his expression.

He knew that this had to be the last photo Danny ever took of him, the one he’d never seen. Danny always had a way of capturing the reality of a moment. Looking at the picture now made him remember how conflicted he had been.

“Dan, put the camera down for a second. I’m trying to be serious.”

“That’s so beautiful,” Jessie exclaimed. “Who sent it?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s from Danny. We were in art school together.”

Jessie looked confused. “I’ve met all your other friends from back then. Why have you never mentioned him?”

“Because he and I were fighting. He was mad at me for dropping out.”
Truthfully Paul didn’t like to talk about Danny. Their time together didn’t fit with the rest of his pastel life. Those memories were surreal, like the play of light and dark in Danny’s photos. Paul had left when he stopped liking what he saw.

Jessie was examining the picture while Paul was lost in thought.

“There’s writing on the back,” she said.

She showed him the words scrawled in red ink.

I asked Liz about you the other day, I hope you don’t mind. It sounds like you have a really nice life. I’m happy for you.

I understand what you meant when you said you needed to find your own way. I don’t blame you. I just wish I could have done the same.

I used to think about what I could have done to make you stay with me, but now I know that it was an impossible situation. We were both caught between what we wanted and what we needed. You found a way to break the cycle. I’m glad you didn’t let me drag us both down.

I hope I’m able to find you again somehow. May Gods love be with you always.

-Daniel

Paul gripped the counter. He had always assumed that Danny had moved on to become a successful artist. Until now there was no reason to believe anything different.

“Where are you going?” Jessie called, as he marched out of the kitchen.

“I need to make a phone call.”

His stomach twisted as he waited for Liz to pick up. He suddenly regretted avoiding the subject for so long.

“Hello?”

“Liz? This might seem a little out of the blue. I’ve never asked you to check up on Danny for me, but I just got a weird note from him. Do you know what’s going on?”

She didn’t answer right away. He could hear the catch in her breathing as he clutched the phone to his ear.

“I’m so sorry. I thought you would have heard already or I would have contacted you.”

“Why? What’s happened?”

“Paul... Danny’s dead.”

His vision swam and his knees buckled. For a moment he couldn’t comprehend what he was being told. His whole being rejected the idea that he'd ever see Danny. How could someone so vibrant be gone?

“...he had a lot of issues, with his family and everything. None of us guessed it was that bad, though,” Liz was saying.

Paul couldn't anser. He couldn't find the words to express how devastated he was. He wasted so much time trying not to think about his past, but it was different now. He could keep going as long as he knew Danny was out there somewhere. What would he now that he could never look Danny in the eyes?

Later, after he’d finally convinced Jessie to just go to bed without him, he went back to look at the photo. He tried to remind himself that Danny was right; he did have a good life. He should be happy. But he suddenly wished more than anything that he could go back to that moment, and make a different choice.

“I never got a chance to apologize,” Paul whispered.

Hey Leahweird,
I loved it! Really, seriously loved it. It has just the right amount of mystery before the drama comes. It was a little short, if we're picking on things, but to be honest, everything about it was fantastic. The dialogue is great, good amount of words and discreetly adds background to the story. There's really nothing I can pull it down for.

Well done!

NightWriter x

Great work. I enjoyed this work. I do have a few small but broad critiques in regards to this work though. The first is, for some reason, the dialogue was a little weak to me. To clarify the majority of dialogue is good but parts such as,
,and Paul's and Liz's phone conversation, felt a little unbelievable and I did not feel that enough emotion was conveyed. Also, the fist 3/4 of the work, to me, seem to be much stronger than the last quarter (last two paragraphs excluding the last line). It is possible that at that point you had the ending in sight and you rushed to the ending. I cannot really determine what it is exactly about these last paragraphs that seem to deter me from enjoying them. I am hesitant to say that it was the lack of emotional tension and realism because, while it is true for me, these term are too broad and can be misinterpreted. At least partly it was because for some reason Paul's reaction did not seem genuine; it felt artificial.
It is a good piece, though, and I enjoyed reading it. Hopefully my comment makes sense. Again, this critique is purely my opinion and does not necessary represent the opinion of others.
Keep up the good work.

This was okay.
I agree with the last reviewer that this seemed a little...fake. I felt no emotion from the piece. You have a really good concept here, but it doesn't really translate to me. Maybe it was the fact that you got this from a song.
Most of the time when you get a story idea from a song you have to include the entire meaning, or just take the aura of it. You just seemed to take the "too late to apoligize" meaning and leave the rest for nothing. You have to have more than that to bring to a story or it comes off flat, like this is.
This is all opinion and assumption, I'm probably not stating facts.
Also the details here are all vague and plastic like.

You have a great idea for this story. I think you should try to add a little more detail like what Danny died of, maybe a little more about the fight. Other than that it was a pretty good story.