Young Writers Society

I know it's more prose than poetry but I didn't think it fit into the short-story category. This is a very short piece about abuse. If you like it, there's a link at the bottom to a website called figment. Could you like it there too? Trying to win a contest, thanks

The weather said it would be cold that day. She looked out the window and saw the grey sky through the glass that was spotted with raindrops from the night before. Looking through the little dots distorted her vision, reminding her of the countless mornings she’d woken up blurry and black-eyed. There was once a time when the memories of such mornings would have made a shudder run through her thin frame. But that time was long gone.

School would start soon. She switched off the television, padding on silent feet to her closet. She sorted through the few outfits she owned, a new memory surfacing with each one she touched. She recalled the bruises each blouse had covered. Some even had dark stains, once deep red and now brown.

She chose a pair of sweats and stripped out of her pajamas, hardly even glancing at the scars that marred the skin of her arms, legs, and breasts. Such were marks of past sufferings, ones that may have been avoided but weren’t. Maybe someone could have help, had they heard her silent pleas. But her cries went unheeded.

Her face was old and worn but she was young. It was from all the crying she’d done once upon a time. She hadn’t shed a tear in years. It was because she’d run out of them. Her tears had stolen her ability to feel and she thought it better that way. No more feelings meant no more pain.

And so she left for school, not even shivering as the frosty air surrounded her. The weather said it would be cold that day. What the weather didn’t know was that she hadn’t felt the cold in a long time.

http://figment.com/books/192824-No-Longer-Cold

Hey, I liked it. Sort of dark and yet beautiful in the same way.

I liked this stanza a lot:

"Her face was old and worn but she was young. It was from all the crying she’d done once upon a time. She hadn’t shed a tear in years. It was because she’d run out of them. Her tears had stolen her ability to feel and she thought it better that way. No more feelings meant no more pain."

Especially the line, "She hadn’t shed a tear in years. It was because she’d run out of them." or lines, I should say. It sort of, um, I guess, "shows" she was abused? Yeah, that's it. It shows she was abused, lol. Yes sir ree. Ok sorry, I couldn't think of what to say at first so I put that.

Anywho, I thought it was good, so keep up the writing. Your good at it.

As I said, definitely well-written. You get a good feel for what the character has gone through, and you did with this what I like to do with my flash-fiction pieces: You never gave us the character's name. (I think some people don't like that, but I personally prefer it for flash-fiction, especially when there's only one character present.)

My only problem with this was this:

"Her face was old and worn but she was young. It was from all the crying she’d done once upon a time. She hadn’t shed a tear in years. It was because she’d run out of them. Her tears had stolen her ability to feel and she thought it better that way. No more feelings meant no more pain."

I like it, but I think it's misplaced. It might fit in better earlier in the piece. I mean, we got a good start, I felt like I was really rolling along, and then this description came along and kind of disrupted the flow. Like I said, I like it, but it might work better somewhere earlier in the piece - if not then I think you should probably just cut it, despite how good it is.

The only thing that made me sad about this piece, or maybe something that didn't live up to my expectations, was that - well, the title is "No Longer Cold," and right away you find out that she was abused, and for awhile it sounds like maybe the girl in the story has risen above the circumstances and is now living a better life, but then, in the end - she still has the bruises, and she's no longer cold only because she's used to the abuse, not because she's gone beyond it. That was disappointing because I really thought for a while that she was no longer being abused but then, at the end of the story, I really can't be sure. You don't have to make it so that she is NOT abused anymore (although I prefer that just because I like happy endings, but I realize that's not always the way it works), but I think you DO need to clear up that point - let us know whether or not she still is abused.

Hope this helped!

~Blue

Although yes, it was posted in the wrong section, I still rather enjoyed this piece.

BlueAfrica wrote:It was from all the crying she’d done once upon a time.

this line seemed a little awkward to me. A good idea, but i think u might want to reword it somehow?

BlueAfrica wrote:She hadn’t shed a tear in years. It was because she’d run out of them.

Perhaps a different phrasing of 'it was because she'd run out of them' would do this line some service. I feel like it might be more powerful if you add something in there.
Those were the only two sections of the piece I thought needed revising, the rest of it was lovely and I think if you fix that first paragraph it'll really bring the piece together Keep writing!