Young Writers Society

Not meant to offend anyone...if it does...this is my sad excuse for a contest entry. But it's my first time so I'm just trying

“He’s lying to you, Arnold.”
“How do you know?”
“The look in his eye.”
“What do you mean?”
“He has a certain look in his eye. He’s trying to lure you into something. It’s probably a trap!”
“A trap? Come on. He’s giving me directions to the movie theater. That seems harmless enough.”
“You don’t know that. You’re new to this town. You’re, like, a target! He could be a thug . . . yeah . . . yeah! He could be telling you the directions to his hideout. Then he could knock you out and take all your cash! Don’t trust him.”
“That’s stupid. . . “
“You don’t seem so sure that it is.”
“I’m not anymore. Now that you put it that way.”
“Exactly. That’s a good boy, Arnold.”
“I’ll just leave him now.”
“That’s right! Good, Arnold. Good for you.”
“Here we go. I’ll just say goodbye, turn around, and walk off.”
“Wait!”
“What now?”
“Don’t turn your back on him.”
“Seriously?”
“Oh yeah. If this dude is a thug then you’ll want to walk backwards.”
“Backwards?”
“To keep your eyes on him. Thugs can be sly.”
“Oh. Now that you put it that way! I’ll do just that.”
“Good. See?”
“Yeah. But now he’s looking at me weird.”
“That’s because he lost a good chance at robbing a sucker! That look is the look of disappointment.”
“He looks more confused . . . or maybe frightened than disappointed.”
“What do you know?”
“That I’m talking to a giant pink bunny with a green Mohawk and spikes jutting out of his back.”
“Keep walking!”
“Okay, okay! Gosh. . .”

Hi there LadyPurple! 'Tis Lavvie for a quick review.

I think I assume correctly when I think that this contest is supposed to be dialogue only? Now, dialogue-only stories are extremely difficult in the fact that many think them easier and shorter to write. Sure, shorter is right, but not always easier. Personally, I hate writing dialogue-only short stories since they're so very demanding in precision and clarity of facts and voice. This is naturally because, without narration, the writer must incorporate plot and suspense in action in solely the dialogue between one or two people. Either a writer can pull this off well or the writer fails miserably.

To be honest, LadyPurple, I wasn't a huge fan of your story here. There's nothing that completely draws me or appeals to my attention. It's just a bland dialogue, lacking the expected emotion and plot line. I see here there's a mysterious guy watching them or something? Unless you're limited by a word count, you may want to consider expanding upon this idea. This is your designated line to follow and it's what you've tried to write but you obviously have not succeeded in this. Write more. Describe some more, let us feel the emotions these two speakers are feeling as they watch this man. Are they watching warily? Suspiciously? Admiringly? All three? Reveal that to us and preferably in an implicit manner.

In order for this short story to succeed, you need to employ a good stance as writer with this piece. Currently, it's not that strong.

Yours,
Lavvie

You know, this was fantastic: just a couple issues.

Firstly, as great and mildly informative as the dialogue is, there is way too much of it to be compared to your zero amount of background writing, or basically the descriptive informative stuff.

In saying that, your storyline is great, your characters have personality and the dialogue does work - nice and choppy.

Still, I would, personally (by no means do you have to do this - just a consideration) ensure that I add some background writing. Some of the 'Narrator's Voice' if you like.

Well done, though!

NightWriter x