It was raining. Some where in between that terrible drizzling stage where you didnt know if it was justified to use an umbrella and that God-is-up-there-peeing-on-me rain. Outside my window was a foggy gray flop. Exactly how I felt. My three other roomates, Kathryn Anorexic, Jaymee Bulimic, Michelle Mystery, were still asleep, sprawled out comfily in their beds. They had told me that Sunshine Acres places you in rooms with people like you. My third day here and my body hadnt adjusted to the 8:30 wake up bell yet, which is why I was the only one awake. I was still used to waking up earlier for school. Through the thin plaster walls I could here another girl snoring loudly. I looked lazily at my few personal possesions on the table by my bed. A framed picture of my step mom, dad, me and my little sister. The same one we used in our christmas cards ten months before. My stuffed rabbit who had had a place in my bed every night since forever, and my diary. I opened it up and turned back the pages to the entry that would eventually bring me here.
February 4
I threw up again today. I think I have now every day for the past 5 days. Its three oclock and I already have twice. Tonight Im going to eat at my Uncles house so Im not sure if I will be able to pull that off. I wish I could be anorexic, but I love food so much. I tried, I can be anorexic for about two hours before I get hungry lol.
Im not stupid, I know this could potentially be a dangerous game that Im playing, but Life is just so stressfull right now, with moving and everything, and I can tell that I'm gaining weight. I know that if I ever get caught some serious shit will go down. My step mom really doesn't care about my life, and she has such a big mouth everyone would know right away. Maybe they would even take it super seriously and send me to a mental home, ha, as if! Im not too worried though. Its not like I have an eating disorder. I trust that I will grow out of this in time... maybe after I have lost some weight.
I closed the book, silently laughing at the Me that I was eight months ago. How innocent, completely oblivious she was to the monster that would grow and devour her in the time after she that entry. If I could magically go back and change things I would. I wouldnt mind going back even 8 days, and choosing not to throw up taco tuesday in the girls locker room at school. Maybe if only I had drank more water that day I wouldnt have fainted standing up from the toilet bowl. If only I had been quicker to flush it and it would only be a sort-of embarressing memory. Instead I was found by the health-slash-gym teacher, laying on the floor below a bowl of puke and my hand basically down my throat. It couldnt have been any more obvious. I wish I could go back to the last week of school when I went out for smoothies with a new friend. She had confessed to me that she had made herself throw up before, and waited for me to say the same; I could tell that she was sure I had some problems with that, but she wanted me to tell her. Instead I laughed and told her I was jealous, that I had tried only to discover I had no gag reflex, and that was the end of that conversation. Maybe if I had opened up to her things would be different. Maybe we could have helped eachother; partners in crime. I closed the diary. Jaymee Bulimic was watching me sleepily from the top bunk bed accross from mine, her eyes silently screamed understanding.
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