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The Four People Nina Helped (And the One She Couldn't)- P1



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Tue Jan 17, 2012 2:50 am
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Jas says...



Spoiler! :
Hello! This'll be a five part short story based off of a novel I'm working on called 'The Space Between Infinity". You don't have to read the novel to understand the story but it would greatly enhance your reading experience. This has been edited. :] I hope you all like!


Warnings: One instance of anti-gay language and one instance of cursing.

~*~


It was always blood Nina had to clean.

When Aiden dropped a trio of plates on the floor, - the ceramic exploding into a million broken pieces, embedding into Aiden's foot like shrapnel from a bomb - Nina had swept away the shards of porcelain and bathed his foot in a bucket of alcohol and water, watching as the blood dyed the liquid a deep red.

When Aiden got punched in the face for the first time, -an older boy at the park, with a silver ring that made a sharp cut across his forehead - Nina had pulled Aiden to the water fountain, putting her last band-aid on his brow once the cut was clean, watching the dripping blood dye his dark blue eyes a deep red.

When Aiden had dropped to his knees, his hands pressed hard against his head, - Tyler apologetic and frantic, rushing inside to call an ambulance, the wooden bat rolling to the fence - Nina had dragged him to the bathroom and wrapped a towel tight over his head, watching as the blood stained his cornsilk blonde hair a deep red.

He was fire, fervent, burning and destructive and she was water, calm, healing and safe. They balanced each other out as siblings are meant to do.

*


The first time was when Nina was eight, Aiden with Tyler and Daniel in the backyard, doing something idiotic; trying to play basketball on skateboards while shooting at each other with Nerf guns or something to that extent. Nina and Chloe had heard them, yelling and laughing, but were more focused on Barbie and Ken's outdoor date, arranging the plastic flowers in the tiny vase on Barbie's table.

Then Aiden slipped off the skateboard, his body colliding against the cement sidewalk, a moment of silence before they all ran to him. He got up slowly, his arm a river of blood, polluted with bits of gravel and dust. Chloe had squeaked with fear, wide green eyes watching as drip-drip-drops of blood splattered against his clean white shirt. Tyler and Daniel hovered behind them, silent and slightly ashamed.

There were no parents in the house to comfort Aiden and fix him in a steady-handed adult way. Nina's mom had just left, to the supermarket to buy hot dogs for lunch and they could have ran for Daniel's mom, two blocks away but instead, Nina lead Aiden inside, to the bathroom.

Aiden hadn't begun sobbing or anything, but tears spilled out of his eyes every time he blinked, making tracks down his cheeks. Nina tore a piece of gauze off the roll and dipped it into the bottle of alcohol, wiping it over the long cut, watching as blood soaked the damp gauze. She was breathing as softly as possible, tiny shuddering breaths, so she wouldn't smell the blood, like liquid metal, which would roll down her throat, wisp around her lungs and suffocate her.

"Your ballet show is tomorrow, right?" Aiden's voice was small and low.

Nina looked up and the smallest smile came to her lips, "Yeah, you're gonna come with Momma and Dad and Chloe."

"Are you gonna do that tippy toe thingy that you always do in the mirror? It looks like it hurts."

"No, Ms. Bella said that only the big, big girls, like thirteen year old's can do that. It hurt a lot at first, but I'm used to it now." There was a tinge of pride in her voice.

"I didn't know you can get used to things hurting. I don't think I'd be able to. It always hurts me when I fall and cut my arm or my knee or something."

"I guess...I guess this is a different type of hurt. One that even if you don't want to, you have to get used to." Nina answered. She sprayed Neosporin on Aiden's arm and waited for it to dry.

*


The last time was when Nina was sixteen, Aiden with Tyler and Daniel in the parking lot of the bowling alley, doing something idiotic, yelling at Anthony Melvin, the older boy who had always had a problem with Aiden. Nina and Chloe had heard them, - Aiden and Tyler yelling, Anthony laughing - but were more focused on Daniel who was on the ground, his head bent between his knees, telling Nina in labored breaths that he needed his iron pills or he'd pass out.

Then Aiden punched Anthony, his fist colliding against Anthony's eye, a moment of silence before the other boy punched back and they fell to the ground. Chloe made a small choking noise, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as Aiden and Anthony tumbled around on the gravel floor, a tangle of arms and legs and anger and the pain of loyalty, of pride. Nina ran to Aiden's car and grabbed the first aid kit she kept in the glove compartment, stealing one glance at the fight on the walk back - Aiden was straddling Anthony's chest, punching him over and over - before going to Daniel and giving him two iron tablets.

Tyler was saying something, low and reasonable to Aiden before grabbing his arm and pulling him out of the fight. Aiden shook him off and walked away. Anthony got up from the ground, his face a bloody mess and spit on the floor by Daniel before going back to the bowling alley. Chloe was on the ground with Tyler watching over Daniel as his breathing became easier. Nina knew where she belonged.

"Aiden?" Nina's voice was small and low.

There was no answer but Nina could see her brother, sitting against the wall, the street light illuminating his bloody nose, the cut on his forehead, the yellow beginnings of a black eye.

He was still angry so Nina gave him time, didn't speak while she took out a tiny alcohol pad and swiped it across his forehead, tilted his head back and held a paper towel to his nose to stop the flow of blood and sprayed Neosporin across his forehead. Aiden pushed himself off the ground, arms crossed, staring at the empty street in front of them.

"It wasn't my fault. I didn't start it this time." His voice was hoarse, his jaw clenched tightly. Nina sighed.

"You punched him, Aiden."

"You heard what he said to Daniel. He started it."

"You punched him first, Aiden. Are you going to beat up every person who calls Dan a fag?"

"It's just not fucking fair!" He turned and punched the wall, Nina watching as blood dyed his knuckles a deep red.

"Oh, Aiden. Life isn't fair."

*


It was quiet then, silent, other than the sound of crinkling band-aids and the steady breathing of siblings.

~*~


Spoiler! :
Thanks for reading! For reviewers: Please don't focus on grammar and all that. I couldn't care less about grammar and spelling and all that nit-picky stuff. Thanks!
Last edited by Jas on Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:53 pm, edited 5 times in total.
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Tue Jan 17, 2012 3:29 am
writeswiththunder says...



This is pretty good. In your first paragraph your wording is awkward though. Remember to use proper punctuation in your dialogue. Here is a link that will explain everything. http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punct ... logue.html Your description is quite good, so for that I applaud you!
  





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Tue Jan 17, 2012 11:15 pm
Dragongirl says...



Alright, I'm here as requested.

Since you said you don't really want me to review your grammer, sentence structure or anything like that, I will try to focse mainly on the chraraters and plot as you requested.

Lets start with Daniel, Tyler and Chloe. They are not grounded well enough. They pop in and out of the story, they don't say anything, and don't affect the story in any way. They are pretty much faceless charaters in your story and you could get along fine without them.

Aiden and Nina on the other hand seem pretty well fleshed out. You were able to put their descriptions, ages and relationship with one another in there fairly nicely without it seeming like a information dump. However there was one thing that I didn't really like. You said that they're the same age but you make Aiden sound much younger. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but you might think about making him a year or two younger than Nian or change a few spots to make him seem closer to Nina's age

As for plot, I really didn't see much plot building in this chapter, it was mainly backstory and brother and sister fluff.

Your descriptions are very nice, though sometimes worded a little strange.

I especially liked this one.

follow the drip-drip-drop of blood on the clean white carpet.


You did a wonderful job there creating a vivid picture for the reader.

The ending was a little flat. I had expected more after reading your first line in the story. Very nice hooker.

Over all, this has some very nice bits to it. Good job, though you might want to go back to edit and work on your sentence structure a little more. ;)

Keep writing.

~DG
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
- Bill Cosby
  





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Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:27 am
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Dragongirl says...



Wow, you did change this a lot and I have to say, you did good.

I felt that you protrayed the characters even better this time. I liked the contrasted between them and the story seemed to have more to it than before.

However, I was unsure whether this was a short story or an chapter to a book, as this was pretty well contained just by itsself.

I don't have anything else to really say, other than to remind you not to repeat yourself. I noticed it in a few spots. Here two are,

watching the dripping blood dye his dark blue eyes a deep red.



watching as the blood stained his cornsilk blonde hair a deep red.


Well that all. I thought this was loads better than the first time I reveiwed this.

Keep up the good work.

-DG
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
- Bill Cosby
  





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Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:20 am
confetti says...



When Aiden dropped a trio of plates on the floor, - the ceramic exploding into a million broken pieces, embedding into Aiden's foot like shrapnel from a bomb - Nina had swept away the shards of porcelain and bathed his foot in a bucket of alcohol and water, watching as the blood dyed the liquid a deep red.

This paragraph is almost too much. I mean, not to mention that this is only one sentence, but it's a sentence that's packed with too much detail for one thought. I might suggest breaking it up to allow the imagery to sink better into the reader's head.

It's funny, I saw this in The Space Between Infinity, you tend to make the first few paragraphs repetitive and similar in style. It's not a terrible thing, and I have no idea if you're doing this on purpose, but it does have the tendency to stand out. Not necessarily bad (not necessarily great), but I thought I'd point it out anyway.

-
I do think that with Nina being 8, she wouldn't know what to do about Aiden's cut (in the first bit). I mean, I would expect an eight year old to slap a bandaid on it and call it done. She could be mature for her age, which you do seem to show, but it still seems a bit off.

You have a tendency to write long sentences separated by commas and dashes. I know this is a bit of a nitpick, but it jumped out at me pretty often. There's nothing wrong with having short sentences, they can have just as much effect as the long ones. Be careful not to create run-on sentences or pack your sentences with too much action and description. Give the reader a second to breathe, if you catch my drift.

I like the relationship you've created between the brother and sister. It's very real, raw, and relatable. As for the plot, this didn't seem to advance it, but I have a feeling that wasn't your intent. What it did do though, was progress the characters. Quite well, in fact. The writing was nicely filled with a mixture of action and description. Though, parts of it could be slow, but the pacing overall was nice.

I wish I could have been more helpful, but nothing really sticks out as off-place regarding the plot. This is a sweet, relatable piece.
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  





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Wed Jan 25, 2012 12:18 am
GoldenQuill says...



Hallo there! Quill here, as per your request. :}

I know you said you wanted it more story-based, but I'm just going to go through a bit of everything, okay? Here's my outline, if you will, so if you really want to skip the grammar you can, but I'll just put it so you can see. :}

I've realized this is part of a series, but I'm critiquing it (remember) on what I've read, and expecting and pretending there is no more to read. Just so you know!

I. Nitpicks
II. Characters/Structure/Story
III. Final Praises and Critiques

I.


When Aiden dropped a trio of plates on the floor, - the ceramic exploding into a million broken pieces, embedding into Aiden's foot like shrapnel from a bomb -


Try, "plates on the floor--the ceramic exploding into a million broken pieces, embedding into Aiden's foot like shrapnel from a bomb--". The comma is unnecessary. And ALWAYS use double dashes; one dash is to bring words together, two is two separate them. For example, to bring words together, like saying Mr. Know-It-All, to separate like saying like what you're to do above. :}

When Aiden got punched in the face for the first time, -an older boy at the park, with a silver ring that made a sharp cut across his forehead - Nina had pulled Aiden to the water fountain, putting her last band-aid on his brow once the cut was clean, watching the dripping blood dye his dark blue eyes a deep red.

When Aiden had dropped to his knees, his hands pressed hard against his head, - Tyler apologetic and frantic, rushing inside to call an ambulance, the wooden bat rolling to the fence - Nina had dragged him to the bathroom and wrapped a towel tight over his head, watching as the blood stained his cornsilk blonde hair a deep red.


Same things here. You're such a beautiful writer, so don't cripple or hide that with grammar slip-ups. :}

Nina's mom had just left,

No comma
to the supermarket to buy hot dogs for lunch. and t They could have ran for Daniel's mom, two blocks away but instead, Nina lead Aiden inside, to the bathroom.


Suggested changes. :}

"No, Ms. Bella said that only the big, big girls, like thirteen year old's can do that. It hurt a lot at first, but I'm used to it now."

Thirteen year olds***
No apostrophe.

Nina and Chloe had heard them, - Aiden and Tyler yelling, Anthony laughing - but

You know what I'm going to say!

II.
Honestly, this is my favorite part of the review too.
Despite your short story being amazing, there is always room for improvement, and I find that with Nina and Aiden. The first thing I, as a reader, would like to know, is the first time that Aiden got hurt when Nina helped him, how did she know what to do? Did he generally get hurt often as implied, and so she had just seen what her mother had done? You should make implications to this, alluding to her remembering what she'd seen her mother do. Also, this is sort of nit-picky, but right before Aiden speaks, make a point to tell the reader how silent it is. Not only does this parallel with the other part, but it also makes the reader aware to the silence, so that when words do come up, the reader isn't suddenly thinking, "Oh, yeah, it was pretty quiet in there, wasn't it?"

Your part two of the story was just as strong and good. I'm also curious as to why Nina had all the first aid stuff with her. I'm presuming this happens with Aiden a lot, but you said it was only the second time at that point, so I don't imagine she'd be carrying that stuff around.

The character development between Nina and Aiden is good. It seemed to be from Nina's point of view, if you will, so there's not much you can do about deepening the development, just because of the still, calming presence that Nina is. Aiden would most likely be thinking and remembering when Nina was so small, doing the same thing, helping him out once again, but according to Nina's personality, she probably wouldn't dwell too much on this, but to just get it done. The development flows, but it feels lacking, because even though you've seen these two apparently vital scenes in their lives, you still don't know much about either of the characters. I think that Aiden's conversations with her during these times start to enlighten you, especially at the end where it's the strongest, but by that point the story is basically ending and it hardly matters. The biggest message across this story is that a sister helps her brother out when he does something stupid. Me, being stupid and sentimental, feel like there should be something more to it, almost more solid. This isn't a bad thing, I'm just trying to explain why I feel like it's slightly lacking.


III.
Praises~ I loved the parallel structure in this story. It was so beautiful. It made it sound pretty and sweet. The characters were interesting enough, and the story was trying to convey a strong message.

Critiques~ The character development lacked a bit because there was really no insight to the character's thoughts or feelings because of Nina being the kind of person she is, and so it felt slightly lacking, but was still overall good.

If you ever want a review again, PM me or come back to my wonderful page. Thanks for letting me read this tonight!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy
formerly ZlyWilk

Finally achieving my dreams. Dive into a unique horror story.
  





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Wed Jan 25, 2012 12:53 am
Rascalover says...



Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review. Since you don't want a grammar filled review this is going to be short and simple. A lot of these reviews are absolutely correct, so I won't be redundant. one thing that stood out to me is that your characters and their age don't seem to fit together. Nina is eight... she doesn't really act like an eight year old. I don't know if you have any young family members, but if you do I would try to observe them and their tendencies about certain things. Listen to the way they talk and interact with people. that's really my only nitpick. this was good. keep up the good work, and if you ever need another review feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  





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Wed Jan 25, 2012 3:18 am
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thetraveler says...



Here I am because you asked :)
I thank you for asking too... curbs the boredom pains

I believe that your story (so far) is wonderful. The first sentance was really an attention grabber and it made you question about this new Nina character. Who is she? Whose blood? Why only her?
Next you managed to create a setting by giving us a time period. You did this indirectly by telling us about the skateboards and Nerf guns. We now know about the time period that you're telling this in.
As soon as I finish reading that paragraph, I begin to characterize Aiden as very clumsy and not much more than a burden to Nina.
I have to admit that it is a little too impressive tht Nina can do first aid at such a young age...
If I had to criticize you on one thing, I would have to say that you couldave expanded more on her ballet. I feel curious about how she has time to take lessons when she is constantly watching her little brother.
Your use of repitition about the blood I think was used well and you shold keepnup the good work. You have the stone, it just needs polishing :D
"Elementary, my dear Watson"
:D :D :D
Spoiler! :
SPOILED!!!
  





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Fri Jan 27, 2012 11:13 pm
firefly882 says...



Hey Jas, Firefly here for your review!

As requested, I'll skip the grammar/spelling that I usually do and just give you plot and characterization.

Off-yellow words will act as highlights, in which I'll address the reason why they're highlighted under the quoted section.
—I'll go over characterization first, followed by a summary of the plot at the end.

Alright, here we go!

It was always blood Nina had to clean.

When Aiden dropped a trio of plates on the floor, - the ceramic exploding into a million broken pieces, embedding into Aiden's foot like shrapnel from a bomb - Nina had swept away the shards of porcelain and bathed his foot in a bucket of alcohol and water, watching as the blood dyed the liquid a deep red.

When Aiden got punched in the face for the first time, -an older boy at the park, with a silver ring that made a sharp cut across his forehead - Nina had pulled Aiden to the water fountain, putting her last band-aid on his brow once the cut was clean, watching the dripping blood dye his dark blue eyes a deep red.

When Aiden had dropped to his knees, his hands pressed hard against his head, - Tyler apologetic and frantic, rushing inside to call an ambulance, the wooden bat rolling to the fence - Nina had dragged him to the bathroom and wrapped a towel tight over his head, watching as the blood stained his cornsilk blonde hair a deep red.

He was fire, fervent, burning and destructive and she was water, calm, healing and safe. They balanced each other out as siblings are meant to do.


You have a strong beginning to your story here; your thoughts flow smoothly from one scene to the next, and it's clear to the reader that Nina and Aiden share a strong bond within the first few paragraphs. That being said, the reason I highlighted that last bit is because it comes across as a ripple in the water to me.

He was fire, fervent, burning and destructive


While reading your story up to this point, Aiden didn't strike me as destructive but danger-prone. He is not actively seeking to break the plate or to be punched in the face, so describing him as "destructive" seems to be going against the personality you've created for him. If he truly is destructive, try bringing that part of him out by suggesting that he started the fight or that he broke the plate out of anger.

she was water, calm, healing and safe


This does describe Nina's personality to me, as it goes well with her nurturing tendencies.

The first time was when Nina was eight, Aiden with Tyler and Daniel in the backyard, doing something idiotic; trying to play basketball on skateboards while shooting at each other with Nerf guns or something to that extent. Nina and Chloe had heard them, yelling and laughing, but were more focused on Barbie and Ken's outdoor date, arranging the plastic flowers in the tiny vase on Barbie's table.

Then Aiden slipped off the skateboard, his body colliding against the cement sidewalk, a moment of silence before they all ran to him. He got up slowly, his arm a river of blood, polluted with bits of gravel and dust. Chloe had squeaked with fear, wide green eyes watching as drip-drip-drops of blood splattered against his clean white shirt. Tyler and Daniel hovered behind them, silent and slightly ashamed.

There were no parents in the house to comfort Aiden and fix him in a steady-handed adult way. Nina's mom had just left, to the supermarket to buy hot dogs for lunch and they could have ran for Daniel's mom, two blocks away but instead, Nina lead Aiden inside, to the bathroom.

Aiden hadn't begun sobbing or anything, but tears spilled out of his eyes every time he blinked, making tracks down his cheeks. Nina tore a piece of gauze off the roll and dipped it into the bottle of alcohol, wiping it over the long cut, watching as blood soaked the damp gauze. She was breathing as softly as possible, tiny shuddering breaths, so she wouldn't smell the blood, like liquid metal, which would roll down her throat, wisp around her lungs and suffocate her.

"Your ballet show is tomorrow, right?" Aiden's voice was small and low.

Nina looked up and the smallest smile came to her lips, "Yeah, you're gonna come with Momma and Dad and Chloe."

"Are you gonna do that tippy toe thingy that you always do in the mirror? It looks like it hurts."

"No, Ms. Bella said that only the big, big girls, like thirteen year old's can do that. It hurt a lot at first, but I'm used to it now." There was a tinge of pride in her voice.

"I didn't know you can get used to things hurting. I don't think I'd be able to. It always hurts me when I fall and cut my arm or my knee or something."

"I guess...I guess this is a different type of hurt. One that even if you don't want to, you have to get used to." Nina answered. She sprayed Neosporin on Aiden's arm and waited for it to dry.


This second half doesn't seem to flow as well as the first, when it was just Nina and Aiden. They're bond is already strong once the reader gets to this point, but it leaves your other characters (Tyler, Chloe and Daniel) hiding in the shadows. I understand that they aren't the main focus of the story, but even the character with the smallest role (such as a hotel clerk with a one-page debut) should have a solid personality. This can be shown through their reactions to Aiden's fall. You mentioned Chloe squeak—does blood freak her out? What about Tyler and Daniel, why do they feel ashamed?

Even if they aren't the main characters of the story, give your secondary characters some life.

The last time was when Nina was sixteen, Aiden with Tyler and Daniel in the parking lot of the bowling alley, doing something idiotic, yelling at Anthony Melvin, the older boy who had always had a problem with Aiden. Nina and Chloe had heard them, - Aiden and Tyler yelling, Anthony laughing - but were more focused on Daniel who was on the ground, his head bent between his knees, telling Nina in labored breaths that he needed his iron pills or he'd pass out.

Then Aiden punched Anthony, his fist colliding against Anthony's eye, a moment of silence before the other boy punched back and they fell to the ground. Chloe made a small choking noise, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as Aiden and Anthony tumbled around on the gravel floor, a tangle of arms and legs and anger and the pain of loyalty, of pride. Nina ran to Aiden's car and grabbed the first aid kit she kept in the glove compartment, stealing one glance at the fight on the walk back - Aiden was straddling Anthony's chest, punching him over and over - before going to Daniel and giving him two iron tablets.

Tyler was saying something, low and reasonable to Aiden before grabbing his arm and pulling him out of the fight. Aiden shook him off and walked away. Anthony got up from the ground, his face a bloody mess and spit on the floor by Daniel before going back to the bowling alley. Chloe was on the ground with Tyler watching over Daniel as his breathing became easier. Nina knew where she belonged.

"Aiden?" Nina's voice was small and low.

There was no answer but Nina could see her brother, sitting against the wall, the street light illuminating his bloody nose, the cut on his forehead, the yellow beginnings of a black eye.

He was still angry so Nina gave him time, didn't speak while she took out a tiny alcohol pad and swiped it across his forehead, tilted his head back and held a paper towel to his nose to stop the flow of blood and sprayed Neosporin across his forehead. Aiden pushed himself off the ground, arms crossed, staring at the empty street in front of them.

"It wasn't my fault. I didn't start it this time." His voice was hoarse, his jaw clenched tightly. Nina sighed.

"You punched him, Aiden."

"You heard what he said to Daniel. He started it."

"You punched him first, Aiden. Are you going to beat up every person who calls Dan a fag?"

"It's just not fucking fair!" He turned and punched the wall, Nina watching as blood dyed his knuckles a deep red.

"Oh, Aiden. Life isn't fair."


This last half of your story is the same as the second half, as far as my critiquing is concerned. Give your secondary characters more personality through their words, actions and reactions to events.

As for the plot, I'm not really feeling one. Is there a goal your story is building up to? Or is it just a series of flashbacks where Nina is taking care Aiden?

Well, there you have it! Characterization and plot, as requested. If you have any questions about some of the things I went over, feel free to PM me. :)

~Firefly
"Have I ever told you the story about how our kingdom was nearly torn apart by greed and betrayal? No? Well then gather 'round, my children, and let Ol' Nan tell you about the Legends of Arenthul." ~Naneria
  








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