Young Writers Society

He lives near the river bank deep in the quite forest where the wild things came out to play at night. He had been alone most of his life after losing his mother to the hunters a few months after he was born. But he didn’t worry because she taught him all he needed to know and he could easily defend himself against anything that was thrown at him. He was quite smart for an animal that knew very little about humans, he knew to stay away from those who blended in with the trees and carried large stick like weapons that gave off a loud bang every so often. He also knew which human had killed his mother. The hunter was a regular that came every spring and summer to hunt those like the fox, sometime he would go for the bigger kill like a deer while other times just simple like a duck or rabbit. The fox knew of the boy who followed the hunter around and decided after much thought that he was going to get his revenge through him.


The fox crouched underneath the green bush by the river, waiting for his victim fall into his trap. He planned on leading the hunter’s son away from him then going back and finishing the job. Moments later he spotted the two humans low to the ground watching everything around them, just waiting for something to appear. The fox darted to the left into the trees making sure he was making as much noise as possible; he needed the older hunter’s attention. Just as he planned the hunter raced after him into the forest telling his son to wait there, but the fox was much too fast as he hid under another bush waiting for the hunter to run by. After the hunter was far enough, the fox stepped out from his hiding spot and ran back to the other human. As soon as the boy saw the fox he raised his gun pointing it directly at the fox. The fox didn’t want to startle him so he stopped dead in his tracks and sat down, watching the boy with his yellow eyes. The boy put on a look of confusion and lowered his gun.

“Don’t shoot me young human, I mean no harm and wish to keep my life,” said the fox. The boy was shocked that the fox spoke but lowers his gun anyways. “I know why you are here with the other hunter. You wish to impress him, to shoot a kill that will make him proud of you. You look up to him like I looked up to my father.” The boy nodded and told the fox that is why he ventured out here in the cold with his dad. It wasn’t the thrill of the hunting that he cared about, only that his father was proud of his only son. The fox then told the young boy about a pond just to the left where deer roam around and drink the cool waters. The boy gave the fox a smile and turned the other way with his gun to seek out the deer. That was when the fox crouched low and pounced on the unaware boy.

He clamped his jaw down on the back of the boy’s neck and used his teeth to tear away the flesh. The boy let out a loud scream and fell to the floor, tossing and turning to try and get the beast off. The fox used his claws to rip away at the boy’s clothes and took another bite at his neck, puncturing the jugular. The fox jumped off covered in blood and watching as his prey choked to death on his own blood. He heard footsteps coming from behind him and quickly took off to avoid getting shot. The gun went off a couple of times but nothing struck the fox due to his agility. He could hear the hunter cry out in agony at the site of his dead son as he dashed off into the forest with a smirk.

Simple and to the point. Depending on the situation and intent, that could be meritorious.

You switch tenses a few times. You begin in present tense, go to past tense, go back to present tense for a sentence or two, then go back to past tense. Fix that.

Proofread. There was something where I noticed a word or two missing, but I can't think of it off the top of my head.

Should we be reading this as a sort of fairy tale or fable or something? We're quickly introduced to anonymous characters, events happen, and then it's over. Except there's no lesson or overarching theme. It's hard to care about anybody in the story and, thus, hard to care about the events.

There are some sentences and interjections and explanations that seem a bit hackneyed and take away from your credibility as a writer.

He planned on leading the hunter’s son away from him then going back and finishing the job.

Why tell us this when it's about to happen anyway? There's a reason why, in TV shows, they always say, "I have a plan!" and then they put their heads together and whisper so the audience can't hear. To have them say "I have a plan, we'll do this, then this, then this" and then have them do that and that and that is silly and weird. Just tell us "the fox had a trap" and then have the fox spring the trap.

quickly took off to avoid getting shot.

Or other stuff like this that's just "duh." Of course he ran away because he didn't want to get shot.

nothing struck the fox due to his agility.

This could have been phrased better.

at the site of his dead son

Though not technically wrong, I think you mean "the sight of his dead son"

He was quite smart for an animal that knew very little about humans,

Also this. Didn't really buy this statement. He knew very little about them, but he knows how their guns work and their hunting patterns/tendencies and what a particular human looks like (think of how all animals basically look the same to us. Could we look at a bird sitting on the fence on day 1 and then, on day 2, see a bird sitting on the same fence and determine whether or not it's the same bird? Even if that bird pecked out the eyes of my entire family, I don't think I could tell the difference from day to day) and the fox knows how to speak human languages? I would say that's knowing a good bit about humans.

As for overall. Eh, I wasn't moved one way or another due to the simple speech and plain setup, and it's not like "The Boy who Cried Wolf" or "The Fox and the Crow" where we learned something in the end. It's just an occurrence that you've told us here.