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Panic



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Gender: Female
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Tue Apr 15, 2008 7:32 pm
deleted2 says...



I shot upright in my bed, breathing heavily, sensing that something wasn’t right. Landing my feet on the cold wooden floor I dashed to the window, the flickering light of flames shining through my curtains. Pulling the drapes aside slightly my breath faltered.

The base was under attack.

Ever since I’d been recruited into the Liberation Army, twelve years ago, I’d been led to believe the base was not one the enemy could possibly conquer. I guess they had been mistaken.

My initial shock dissipating I threw open my door, took five steps and stumbled into my parent’s bedroom. I froze, even in the semi-darkness I could tell that their bed was empty, the covers in a disorderly heap at the foot.

Panic rose into my throat as I backed into the hallway. I tried the room across from me, pleading that I’d find Deamon’s parents there.
Another vacant double bed, equally as messy.

‘Shit!’ I yelled, spinning around, then kicked open Daemon’s door and ran in.

‘Wake up! Deamon! Wake up!’ I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook violently, anxiety searing through me.

‘Huh? Cal? What?’ he opened his eyes, groggy as his mind accepted the rude awakening. Rubbing his eyes he took a swift glance at my expression, then kicked his blankets out of the way and jumped up, assuming the worst.

‘Is it-?’ he started. I didn’t grant him the time to finish his sentence, rushing through what I had to tell him ‘Yes! They’ve already broken down the North Gate! I saw it through my window! They could get here any moment now! ’ I spun around, nearly tripping, and stormed out of the room, a wide-awake Deamon on my heels.

‘Go-get-dressed!’ I hissed, my voice breaking in terror, then smashed open the door to my younger brothers’ room. I bent over him, waking him up as kindly as our limited time span allowed.

‘Toren, it’s time to wake up’ I whispered, caressing his hair, praying he’d not make a sound.

Ever since he was a baby everyone learned that if he were to be startled into consciousness he’d be uncontrollably crying for minutes to come, which in this case would most likely mean our deaths.

Our enemies didn’t have mercy for anyone. As far as they were concerned even the Liberation Armies youngest recruits were a threat.

The four-year-old stirred, and then regarded me with an air of confusion as I lifted him out of his bed, rushing out of the room. In the hallway I nearly collided with Deamon, who was now dressed in black jeans and a shirt, an aluminum crossbow held tightly in his right hand, ready to fight his way out of our hometown.

‘Where the hell are our parents?’ he breathed, his expression a mask of worry and bewilderment. We both knew they’d never intentionally leave us in danger.

‘No clue’ I answered shortly ‘Get food, I’ll get the weapons’

I was always the one to take charge in the life-and-death situations we found ourselves in, for my analytical mindset never failed me. Deamon was in charge of the battle plan. I held Toren tight, comforted only slightly by his warm arms around my neck, hearing the explosions and gunfire through the metal walls of the barrack we called home.

Deamon gave me a short, tight nod and rushed in the direction of the kitchen.

Venturing out of our house without protection would be a suicidal act, lingering inside the house equally as perilous.

The combat outside our house was proceeding at a rapid speed, and I swiftly slipped on my black jeans, then reached for my ammo belt and fastened it around my waist. Not bothering to change out of the black t-shirt I used as a pajama top I stuck my double-sided blade into the sheath on my right side and glanced at Toren.

He sat passively, sensing the danger, eyeing me with a mildly frightened appearance that told me he relied on my good judgment. My protective armor was next, and was strapped on in a matter of seconds. My black combat boots were equally as effectively applied.

‘Calleigh?’ Toren said, and I turned to face him, finding that he’d gathered his clothes and Kevlar vest.

God…

I kneeled beside him, and for once he didn’t struggle or make dressing him a lengthy and annoying task, but pulled his shirt over his head as I buttoned his pants. He shouldn’t have been here to see this today, he should’ve been granted at least his first childhood years in a normal home in a normal city, like I had been.

I was five years old when they recruited me, which, in my opinion, was still too early.

‘Here’ I held up the Kevlar, and he stuck his small arms through the child-version of the bullet proof vest, then waited patiently as I fastened the vest around him.

Straitening up I effortlessly clicked my shoulder holster, meant for the collapsible crossbow that was my weapon of choice, and the container of stainless steel arrows onto the designated places on my armor, now almost completely dressed for battle.

‘Deamon? Deamon!’ my heart skipped a beat as I strained my ears, hearing nothing. I felt all the blood drain out of my face.

He couldn’t have…

‘I’m here!’ he charged into the room, and I exhaled in relief, holstering my handgun. Adrenaline was pumping around my body wildly, taking my heartbeat to over twice its normal rate, by the feeling of it. We were cutting it close.

‘Arm protector’ I tossed the piece of armor to him and the two of us simultaneously secured them around our left wrists. We were both right-handed archers.

‘Go. Now’ he, too, sheathed his blade, strapped on his body armor, and then lifted up the black bag that stood at his feet.

I raised Toren onto my hip, grabbed my bow and headed for the back door without another word. Deamon followed, carrying the bag with supplies. I glanced out the tiny window, panting.

‘See them?’ he hissed, flattening his back against the wall, making sure to stay out of the enemy’s line of sight.

‘They’re everywhere!’ l spoke through clenched teeth, shifting Torens’ relatively supportable weight to my other hip as I glanced at Deamon ‘Run and hope for the best?’

I nervously shuffled my feet, fear clutching at my throat as he licked his lips ‘We have no other option. At three’

Deamon took a deep breath and tightened his grip on the supplies, glared down, hooked the bag to his the metal clip on his belt and readied his crossbow for shooting. He gave a slight nod in my direction; a promise to cover me and Toren as we fled.

‘One…’
We locked our gazes together, seeking comfort in each other’s presence. Without Deamon I would not have had the strength to go on, and he knew it.

‘Two…’
I noticed his eyes widen a little, panic taking over his senses.

‘Three!’
We smashed through the door and broke into a run, ducking low and moving as fast as years of instructions and exercise had taught us. I was directly beside him, Toren pressed against my torso in the protection of my arms.

Arrows and bullets whistled past us as we sprinted to the West Gate, our boots steady on the wet soil.

All around us chaos prevailed, screams of pain erupting through the air regularly. A man with a uniform identical to ours went down clutching at his bleeding shoulder.

Shrapnel blasted around as yet another building exploded, and Deamon fired his arrow into the neck of a National Army man who came running at us.

Though trained for battle since childhood, we had never experienced the true horror it was now proving to be, and I hoped Toren wasn’t able to see any of it.

The sounds, though, were enough to haunt any mans’ dreams.

My feet pounded the grass as the high wall and gate came closer, Deamon’s arrow whizzing ahead of us, clearing a path through the chaos.

Out of the blue I understood a saying we’d been force fed ever since I could remember: “Times of warfare are the times during which friendship and trust equal survival. Keep your base partners close to your heart and you’ll see, one day you’ll thank your life to it.”

If all went from bad to worse, I knew in my heart that Deamon would still be right beside me, covering my back, because more importantly than partners, we were friends.
Last edited by deleted2 on Thu May 01, 2008 8:50 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Tue Apr 15, 2008 9:05 pm
x-tears-x says...



Very nice. I was hooked the whole way through.
  





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Tue Apr 15, 2008 9:27 pm
SIC says...



You used apostrophes rather than quotation marks. You should fix that.
Other than the quotes, It was fantastic. Very entertaining.
  





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Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:52 pm
JFW1415 says...



I'm baaack! Be afraid. :wink:

One and two down the first column, three and four down the second.

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Highlighted Comments

1. If something’s wrong, we should be upset, no? So make us. Short sentences work best. Maybe ‘I shot straight up in my bed, the blankets tangling around my legs. My chest was heaving, and I was covered in a cold sweat. I knew something wasn’t right. [New paragraph.]’ See how this drags us in more? Show us this a bit more, and it will be a great hook.
2. How does one do this? I’d reword. Maybe ‘My feet hit the cold wooden floor, and I dashed to the window, the…’
3. Good use of this, just build it up a bit more. In the previous paragraph (I already mentioned where you should split that one. If you don’t it may be a bit chunky) you should show us what it looks like. Guns going off? Lights flashing? Mad confusion? Bodies running into each other, unsure of who’s the enemy and who’s a friend? Right now, I have no idea what it looks like. I’ve never seen a base under attack (like most people,) so you need to show us it.
4. He switches his mood very quickly. Maybe he rubs the sleep out of his eyes, and when he opens them he sees his friend’s worried face and jumps up?
5. New person talking=new paragraph.
6. He’s seems really upset, ready to jump into action. The storming doesn’t make sense. It’s slow and what you do when you’re angry.
7. What’s with the hypens?
8. A little too telling, Besides, this seems really different from his character. You need a smoother transition. Maybe show that, although worried, he’s under control in the beginning? Because you kind of went from his spazzing out to him softly whispering to some kid. Also, maybe show the urgency he shows, despite the fact that he’s being gentle.
9. Good, but it doesn’t fit. You need to show that their enemies would go after his brother if he left him asleep, or something like that, before saying this. (I love the line, though.)
10. Show us, please.
11. A little odd…Maybe ‘ordering him around?’ Also, this is a great spot to show their previous relationship. How they interact with each other here will show exactly what their history was like.
12. The red are just extra words I thought helped the piece.
13. It’s okay if you want to tell us his weapons, but show us him at the same time. Does it take more than one try to get the knife in the sheath he’s shaking so hard, or is he so used to this his hand is steady?
14. Why isn’t he putting armor on? Even if he doesn’t fight, he’ll be out there. If he’s used to this, I think he should be doing something…maybe looking out the window, keeping watch, grapping food, something?
15. I don’t think this one worked. It shouldn’t stand alone.
16. All right, I’m really sick of this now. Don’t guys usually go on and on about weapons? ;P (Just kidding…) You can tell us this, but make sure you don’t solely focus on the armor. What’s he hear/see while he puts it on? Is he planning what he’s about to do? People multi-task, and you need to show us this. I skimmed this paragraph – I don’t like armor enough for it to keep my interest. (Oh! Maybe say ‘the stainless steel arrows glinted under the sole light above my head as I clicked them into place on my armor. I did a quick double-check of everything in my head, and a minute later I was ready for battle.’ The second sentence isn’t as good, but do you see what I mean in the first sentence? Tie in the stuff around him.)
17. Waaaaay too rushed. What happened to him? Why should I be afraid – I didn’t even know he was missing!
18. I wouldn’t italicize this.
19. That will be hard to run with. How old it Toren? You need to explain that a bit more. Show it through his actions. Focus a bit more on him – he’s not a doll. He will have reactions to the world around him, but he’s just there right now.
20. How’s it feel? I’m not connected to him at all right now.
21. We could tell – don’t tell us.
22. You need an ending here, but I don’t know which. Question or sentence?
23. Woah…wordy.
24. Show us; no telling!
25. Again, show. Maybe ‘I glanced over at him before saying the final number. His eyes were wider than normal, and panic was clearly visible on his face, but he still stared ahead determinedly.’
26. Odd wording.
27. NOW you use quotes. It’s the other way around. This should have apostrophes.
28. Good, but I’d split this up a bit.

Overall Comments

I’m assuming you noticed the parts I italicized? Those are the parts that need the most work.

It’s the same old thing: show, don’t tell. What’s he feeling? This is a high-pressure situation, yet I find myself yawning. You need to drag us into the action, make us feel like we’re there.

I’m being lazy, and I ranted about this in another story of yours, so just reread what I wrote there.

When you do reread it, try to relate it to what I italicized here. Whenever someone tells me I messed up on something, I'm always screaming 'where?' in my head, so I did this so you could see exactly where you need to fix it up.

Oh; and make sure you define Toren more. He’s human – he has to do stuff.

Again, great story and plot, I just didn't feel like I was there. (A very hard feeling to get. You have it in some places, though - just get it throughout the whole story now!)

Oh, one more note. Good job keeping the vocabulary consistant! Most people throw one complex word in, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. You kept it the whole time, made it blend together so well I didn't even notice that you used words like 'perilous,' and were able to make it understandable. *Thumbs up*

PM me with any questions, or if you have anything else you’d like me to critique! (Still trying for the next star, and I stayed home from school today, so I want to! ;P)

~JFW1415
  





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145 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1090
Reviews: 145
Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:50 pm
deleted2 says...



Thank you JF !!
I haven't actually had time to edit the stories you've reviewed for me yet, I've been way to busy with exam revision and I'm sick because the stupid weather keeps going from hot to freezing ! I'm looking forward to the weekend when i can take some time to edit all my work !!
Your reviews are the best :D
Xxx Do
  





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Tue Apr 22, 2008 8:58 pm
happybear says...



Great story! I wish it would never end! 8)
  





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Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:07 pm
Conrad Rice says...



I liked the way everything clicked together in this story. It all rolled together so very nicely. Major kudos from me. What happens next?
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.
  





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Sat Apr 26, 2008 11:46 pm
Moving Forward says...



I liked the peoples names.

I am confused: are Deamon and the main character brothers? If not, are there two sets of parents? Why did they only look in one parent's bedroom. If they are, then at the end when you say they were more than partners, you should say they were also more than brothers. For example: More importantly than partners, more than brothers, we were friends.

It seemed silly that they go to such trouble to arm themselves and put on armor, yet Toren is left with none. I realize that he is younger, but wouldn't that make him more vulnerable? I don't see how he could scrape by with no armor.

Shorter sentences would make more sense in the battle scenes. They help to make the scene faster-paced and more rapid-fire.

Another thing I was confused about was the location. Is it a town, or a base, or both? What kind of base is it that children were trained for combat? Or, what kind of town?

I really liked how you kept the story going and I would like to read more, if you turn this into a longer story/series/novel.
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145 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1090
Reviews: 145
Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:38 pm
deleted2 says...



Thanks for the comments!!

LOL :D there's a major gender confusion in my story. Cal's a girl. Haha!
It's meant to be a shortform for Calleigh !

I'm gonna try to work that in, because it's causing too much confusion :D

And I realize I've not properly indicated that when Cal tries the second room she means by "Them" her parents AND Deamon's parents, that maybe they'd awakened and were setting up a battle plan.

I need to be more clear!
LOL

Xxx Do
  





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Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:45 pm
krazykoreandevil says...



GODZ! if i you don't write more, i don't know what i'll do! WRITE! PLAN! WRITE!
  








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